About This Site

I am a person who tends to sweat the small stuff, and I tend to speak up when I am displeased. However, rather than simply coming across as one more bitchy customer/constituent/son when I send people complaints, I like to have a little fun with it. Provided you aren't one of the people I send letters to, I expect you will too.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

The State of Tennessee, Part 2

Nature of the Offense

You may have read my first letter to Governor Phil Bredesen of Tennessee. Well, ol' Governor Phil never got back to me about the grievous offense I took with his backwoods state, so I had to hit him up again. Hard.

The Letter

Dear Governor Bredesen,

I wrote to you a couple of months ago about my discovery that your state had decided to name a prominently-featured state park after Nathan Bedford Forrest, the first Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan. As one of your secretaries may remember, my letter took a rather satirical tone, praising you as a champion of racists and segregationists everywhere, with the intent that you would realize the message such a name for the park conveys and take corrective action.

What amazes me (even though it probably shouldn't) is that you seem to have taken me seriously, showing your acceptance of my compliments by not responding to refute them. I realize another possibility is that as Governor, you may have other, more important letters to write, but you and Mark Williams do realize that Abraham Lincoln is dead, don't you?

I had really hoped to get the ball rolling towards a re-naming of the Forrest State Park, but perhaps I'm not considering the whole picture. I am certainly aware of the "heritage not hate" argument, but why not replace Forrest, who is an icon for Klansmen and Neo-Nazis everywhere, with another Confederate hero who merely fought and died to preserve the institution of slavery as part of a larger list of quarrels with the Northern states? That approach works well enough for every single other highway, park, rest stop, and public library in Tennessee.


Photobucket
The Stonewall Jackson Memorial...oh, wait, this is actually the ballroom of the Governor's Mansion. Nevermind.


I suppose the answer is that you really are satisfied with the sentiment expressed in Forrest's name. You really mean for your state attraction to say "we hates all you nigras," and not "while I respect you as three-fifths of a fellow human being, I just think society would be better off if we used separate water fountains." That is certainly your prerogative, and hey, honesty and transparency are certainly welcome qualities in today's political environment.


Photobucket
In Tennessee, even the Klan believes in transparency!


Thank you for again taking the time to read my correspondence. I look forward to your Presidential campaign whenever the 15th Amendment is repealed!

The Response

Again, nothing. He must be too concerned with the anti-slavery candidate running for his job to respond!

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Dell Computers

Nature of the Offense

This one is tough for me, because in the past I have really enjoyed my Dell products. Sure, their customer support is awful, because you have to spend hours on the phone getting transferred back and forth from one province of India to another, but typically their stuff is good enough that you don't have to mess with it. My new laptop, as you will see below, is not such an example, so I had to unload.

The Letter

Dear Dell,

I want you to know that I am in no way happy with any part of your products or services. Within a day of receiving my new laptop, I realized that bringing the machine back from its self-imposed sleep state required playing a game of "Guess Whether This Computer Will Respond Before You Hard Reset It." Usually I lost, and still do.


Photobucket
Like this, but with my computer.


I called to exchange the machine for a functioning version, and was told that tech support would have to certify my computer was broken to avoid paying a restocking fee. After spending over an hour on the phone with at least seven of the jobs you have un-patriotically shipped to India, I was told that such undesirable behavior was actually my virus protection software strangling the computer's processing power to ensure my electronic safety before I started to type my grocery list. This was just barely characteristic enough of a Windows machine to believe, so I decided to hold off on my attempts to get a replacement computer.


Photobucket
We guarantee you won't get a virus. You might not get an email either.


That is until this morning. I woke up smiling at the sunshine and looking forward to the promises of the day ahead. Before I could even finish my coffee, though, some fast-talking Indian from your company phoned me and began babbling in some semi-comprehensible hybrid of English and Hindi.


Photobucket
Unlike this hybrid, which is completely incomprehensible.


The call was, as I understood it, to "check on the status of my new computer," and I again tried to convey my dissatisfaction with my purchase. After several minutes of trying to follow his mile-a-minute Englo-babble about my service options, I realize he is signing me up for a $15 per month extended warranty plan! I frantically yelled "no!" "stop!" and "cancel!" into the phone, and I can only pray that I won't see a bill from you in 30 days.

I must ask, Dell, why you think I would want such a service plan? I have already repeatedly told you how unhappy I am with my laptop's performance, and you have essentially told me to suck it up and deal. Why, though, do you think I would pay to ensure the continuation of such substandard operation? Please do not contact me again until you are prepared to replace my laptop at no charge to me.

The Response


"Dear Valued Customer,

Thank you for contacting Dell Customer Care on 06/24/2010 regarding Case number: XXXXXXXXX for Dell order number: XXXXXXXXX. At Dell we are committed to delivering the best Customer Experience to our customers. Valuable feedback regarding your experience with Dell Customer Care will help us improve our internal processes and provide better service to you.

Dell has asked TNS, a customer satisfaction research company in the IT industry, to help conduct a survey regarding your experience. To help ensure we are providing the best possible experience, we ask that you provide us with your feedback in this brief survey. It should take no more than 10 minutes to complete."

Yeah, thanks for the help, Dell. Nothing solves my computer woes like an online survey full of questions like "please confirm your answer to the previous question." Screw you and your 75 dollar upcharge for a pink laptop.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Guest Letter #2: Chick-fil-A

Nature of the Offense

Another contribution from fast-food warrior Eric, this one touches on some subject material that may be a sensitive spot for Southerners...

The Letter

Dear Chick-fil-A,

Thank you for ruining my lunch. I ordered a 3-piece strips meal with a sweet tea (light ice) today. The strips were acceptable, but the fries only lukewarm. This is about par for the course in my experience with this location, and not the main cause of this letter. Rather, the unforgivable offense involved my drink. Not only was it about 90 percent ice, it was also not sweet tea. It was just iced tea. Nobody in their right mind who has ever tasted the heavenly nectar that is true southern sweet tea will ever go back to regular iced tea. Without the brewed-in sugar that makes sweet tea the delight that it is, iced tea is nothing but bitter, cold water that makes you have to urinate shortly thereafter. Once brewed without sugar, iced tea can't be made sweet. No matter how much sugar you dump in, or how much you stir, it will never taste the same. It's thermodynamically impossible.


Photobucket
Still not sweet tea.


Sadly, I am running out of options with respect to fast food restaurants in the Austin, TX area. In the past month, Wendy's and McDonald's have also managed to destroy any desire I might have to visit them again. I thought Chick-fil-A would be a light in the darkness. But you have failed me. If I could throw down a gauntlet, I would. Instead, I can only say this: I demand satisfaction!


Photobucket
Gauntlet. Heavy, hard to throw down.


The Response

"Thank you for taking the time to contact Chick-fil-A. You are very important to us, and we appreciate your comments regarding the unappetizing order you received on your recent visit to Chick-fil-A. We apologize; our aim is to provide a pleasant dining experience every time you visit Chick-fil-A.

As most Chick-fil-A Restaurants are independently operated, I have forwarded your comments to Jeff Glover, Operator of the Braker Lane Restaurant, so that he is aware of your dissatisfaction.
I would like to send you two Chick-fil-A CARES Guest Cards as a thank you for taking the time to contact us. If you would be so kind to reply to this e-mail and provide your phone number and complete mailing address we will mail these Guest Cards to you.

Again, thank you for your assistance and interest in Chick-fil-A. We hope to receive your reply soon. Have a great day.


Sincerely,

Avery
Chick-fil-A CARES
Chick-fil-A...We Didn't Invent The Chicken,
Just The Chicken Sandwich."

Another form letter?! Shock! To be fair, Wendy's couldn't even go to that much trouble.

Guest Letter #1: McDonald's

Nature of the Offense

Just like with Wendy's, you don't need me to tell you about McDonald's. Instead, I'll use this space to introduce Eric, a guest contributor. He's written a few letters to fast-food joints that mesh well with the nature of this site, so let's throw them out here! I'll go one restaurant at a time for narrative's sake.

The Letter

McDonald's:

Due to unusual circumstances, I found myself having not had dinner last night and it was approaching 11 PM. Save for a brief stop to take a shower, I had been out of the house since 8 AM. I was in no mood to cook and at such an hour, dining options are limited. As it is the nearest late night food service facility to my home, I went to your restaurant and ordered a crispy chicken combo meal with *NO MAYO*.

I returned home ready to devour this culinary masterpiece and satiate my growling stomach. Upon opening the box containing the sandwich, my heart sank and I was utterly furious to find that there was not just some mayo, but a huge, artery-clogging wad of mayo all over my sandwich.


Photobucket
I google image searched the previous sentence, but the combination "huge," "wad," and "all over my," did not produce exactly what I was looking for..."


Why do your employees do this? Why is it your policy to, by default, smother your otherwise somewhat edible sandwiches with mayo? Not everyone likes mayo. I am one of those people. I hate mayo. I want the chicken, the lettuce and the tomatoes to shine. But you buried them in the one thing I hate to eat.

When I called the restaurant to complain (since your 800 number was on robo-answer with no recourse), it took two calls and over 20 rings for an employee to answer. When they did and I recounted my unsatisfactory experience, she hung up on me. The indignation!


Photobucket
"At McDonald's, we pride ourselves on using only the latest in robotic customer service technology."


While your restaurant is never my first choice, I have always thought that I can count on reliably mediocre food in a time of need. But now I feel shunned and unappreciated.

McD's is supposed to be a happy place. But I am sad.

Footnote from the Author:
McDonald's customer feedback has a 1500 character limit. I used every last one. Too bad they won't let me attach photographic evidence of the crime. It shouldn't also be noted that the feedback form asks for "date/time of incident," as if they are expecting negative feedback, instead of praise.

The Response
"Hello Eric:

I want to thank you for taking the time to share your recent experience at the McDonald's in Austin, TX with me. Your feedback is very important to us as it allows us to better understand how we can improve our service to you.

I am sorry for the unprofessional service and inaccurate order you received. Please be assured that we want to provide you with an exceptional experience every time you visit us. From your email, it is clear we did not meet your expectations. Again, I am truly sorry we disappointed you.

I want you to know that I have already taken action on your feedback. After reading your email, I immediately shared the information you brought to our attention with the local franchise owner of the restaurant you visited. Additionally, I notified our regional McDonald's consultant who works with this owner for follow-up in the restaurant and appropriate corrective action.


Photobucket

McDonald's is no stranger to "corrective action."



Again, Eric, thank you for sharing your feedback. We appreciate your business and we hope to have the pleasure of serving you soon.

Thomas
McDonald's Customer Response Center"

The Next Letter

Sir:

I don't believe it is unreasonably demanding if I request the satisfaction of a refund on this meal. With your current response to the situation I find little incentive to return to your establishments at a future time. In the event that I require fast food, my current inclination would be to have it my way, or simply eat mor chik-in. Fear not, for Dave Thomas' legacy has already been tarnished by far more grievous offenses and I shall not be turning to Wendy's for comfort.

As your internet letter writing technology did not allow me to do so, I have enclosed a photograph of the sandwich in question, so that you may view the nature of the offense.


Photobucket
"At McDonald's, we strive to serve only the healthiest food items."


The Follow-Up Response

None. In this case, I think it's understandable. I mean, could you assemble coherent thoughts after seeing that mayo apocalypse?