The University of North Carolina

Nature of the Offense

So I'm having lunch, minding my own business the other day, when I get the following email from the University of North Carolina, which I haven't attended in 3 years:

"Hello Scott and Paul,

Since you are new Evacuation Monitors for Wilson library, please sign up for one of the training sessions listed below.

Thanks,

Eileen"

Um, what? First off, what is an "Evacuation Monitor?" It sounds like I have to watch people go to the bathroom. Second, how did I get this job? Rather than ask either of these questions, I decided to blindly accept the job and decide for myself what it consists of. The following letter is my response to this email.

The (first) Letter

Hi Eileen,

I am honored to be chosen as the new Evacuation Monitor for Wilson library. Thank you for sending me the information on the training sessions. I have booked a flight from Austin (where I am currently living) to attend. Below is my itinerary, feel free to just send me an account number for the airfare, as American has assured me they can transfer the charges for me--one of the perks of being a first-class customer, I suppose.





While I am delighted to have an excuse to travel back to Chapel Hill for a few days, I'm sure you realize that such travel is highly impractical for my day-to-day duties as Evacuation Monitor. I'm thinking that the most effective solution, as you have probably already realized, is to outfit both my office in Austin and the librarian's office in Wilson with some new telecon equipment. In the event of an emergency, I would need essentially "red-phone" access to the librarian on videoconference, so that we could quickly coordinate the evacuation. I spoke briefly with my IT guy, and he thinks the whole setup could be completed for less than ten thousand dollars (plus monthly service charges, of course). Do you have a fax number where I could send some spec sheets?



"That oughta do it."


Finally, I think that it would be most prudent for me to be provided with a firearm. I know that in the event of an evacuation situation I am most likely to be out of the state, but if a sophisticated terrorist cell were to acquire that information--and I don't see any reason why they couldn't--they could carry out a coordinated attack in which I were simultaneously compromised in order to hinder the evacuation process. In such a situation, I would need to quickly eliminate any hostile parties on my end so as to expedite the extraction of students at Wilson. Now, I already have the requisite training, but my lawyer informs the that if the school provides the actual firearm I am significantly less liable should any civilians be injured or killed in a firefight.

Again, I am very much looking forward to working with you! I'll send a fax along shortly.

Best,
Paul

The Response

"Paul,

Apparently you are the wrong Paul *********. Please disregard my email.



Eileen *****

Business Services Coordinator

UNC Chapel Hill - Wilson Library"

I love people telling me I'm the "wrong" me. I couldn't stop with this...

The (second) Letter

Eileen,

If I just disregard every email asking me to help defend America and its precious institutions of higher learning from violent terrorists, then what kind of patriot am I?

Look, maybe I was the wrong Paul ********* for your address book, but I am the right Paul ********* for the job. After being on UNC's campus during the "Pit Driver" attack, and on the University of Texas's campus for both last month's library shooting and Barack Obama's recent appearance, I have experienced, by my count, three separate attacks of domestic terrorism first-hand. Being a good Texan, I have undergone training for all munitions up to and including rocket-propelled grenades, and am more than willing to put my own safety on the line to protect UNC, its students and staff.



Legal in Texas, but there's an additional charge on your vehicle registration.


I have copied the "other" Paul ********* on this message. I am sure he will agree with me that I should take over this job. That said, Paul, I see you are a Digitization Support Technician. Would you be able to help set up some of the telecon equipment described below? I've heard bad things about Geek Squad.

Sincerely,
Paul

The Response

Eileen must be a terrorist sympathizer, because I haven't heard back from her again. Bad news for me...I booked a non-refundable flight!