As you may have gathered from my second letter to HEB, Oh's Cereal has really done nothing wrong. The sad truth, though, is that you probably never even heard of Oh's before you came to this site. That's because every delicious bag of Oh's in the universe comes wrapped in this package:
I mean, really. The marketing team at Quaker Oats might as well stuff them in a plain brown box, porno-style. I sent them the following suggestion for improvement.
The Letter
Hello Quaker,
My friends and I are all huge fans of your Honey Graham Oh's cereal. When I say we're huge fans, I mean we'd rather meet the person who created that awe-inspiring cereal than meet Scarlett Johansson in her bathtub. Have you examined the possibility that Oh's might cure cancer? I would look into that.
Anyways, we were all wondering why people keep eating reprocessed garbage like Fruit Loops and bananas for breakfast, and then look at us like we're from Mars when we high-five the latest person to come back from the grocery store with a new box of Oh's. Then we realized the problem. It's the box. I did a little research, and as far as I can tell you have used the same box for Oh's since at least the 80's. Focus groups have repeatedly demonstrated that if God could go back in time and perform an abortion on the 70's, the 80's would never have happened. So you should probably switch that up.
With that in mind, we humbly offer the following suggestion for some new packaging (attached). Don't worry about intellectual property or any of that, we consider it a love offering. We hope it does wonderful things for the sales numbers of Oh's cereal.
Tell me you wouldn't buy this cereal.
The Response
None. This one surprised me, as I was expecting an offer letter to become the new Vice President of Cereal Marketing for Quaker. Maybe they want to keep Oh's a secret in order to preserve the profits of the Chiquita Banana Company.
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