tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24097880154882325652024-03-08T00:45:59.365-06:00Letters from The Angry CustomerThe Angry Customerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11578215304151815863noreply@blogger.comBlogger34125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2409788015488232565.post-67737005842907654232014-04-26T13:52:00.003-05:002014-04-26T13:52:58.805-05:00FFW Guest Letter: The Birmingham Airport Baggage Claim<h1><b><i>Nature of the Offense</i></b></h1><br \>
<p>We've covered <a href="http://angrycustomerletters.blogspot.com/2011/08/atlanta-airport.html">shitty airport experiences</a> before, but never specifically with the miserable slog that is baggage claim. I'm not sure it's fair to say that he set out to remedy that, but on a recent flight our good friend the Fast Food Warrior did just that. Apparently the airport in Birmingham made the experience even worse than usual. Speaking of "worse than usual," did you know that there's a black rom-com called <i><a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1171222/?ref_=nv_sr_1">Baggage Claim</a></i>?</p>
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<a href="http://s1018.photobucket.com/user/bigsaxquatch/media/baggage-claim-movie-poster-thumb-473xauto-12001_zps2b805e97.jpg.html" target="_blank"><img src="http://i1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/baggage-claim-movie-poster-thumb-473xauto-12001_zps2b805e97.jpg" border="0" alt=" photo baggage-claim-movie-poster-thumb-473xauto-12001_zps2b805e97.jpg"/></a><br \>
<i><span style="font-size:85%;">Working title: "People are stupid and will watch literally anything."</span></i>
</center>
<p>Anyway, back to something with more hatred for black people than the creators of <i>Baggage Claim</i> the movie...ladies and gentlemen, Alabama! Take it away, FFW...</p>
<h1><b><i>The Letter</i></b></h1><br \>
<p>Dear Birmingham Airport Authority,</p>
<p>Would it be possible to install a louder, more annoying warning siren for the baggage carousels? The Martian ray-gun sound that you have installed at present is almost, but not quite, enough to induce insanity in arriving passengers as they await their luggage. When it fails to stop sounding, it comes very close. Such as last night, when it went off for about 15 minutes straight (all the while the ground crew failed to push the "deliver bags" button to operate the conveyor.</p>
<p>However, I'm not sure you have fully plumbed the depths of annoying sounds. For example, if you had it set to sound like a combination of a European ambulance and a raspy-voiced cat that won't stop meowing, you might be able to actually liquefy our brains (or at least drive us to attempt self-lombotomization), thus saving you the trouble of actually returning our bags.</p>
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<a href="http://s1018.photobucket.com/user/bigsaxquatch/media/baggage_blaster_zps77b1b920.jpg.html" target="_blank"><img src="http://i1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/baggage_blaster_zps77b1b920.jpg" border="0" height="400" width="600" alt=" photo baggage_blaster_zps77b1b920.jpg"/></a><br \>
<i><span style="font-size:85%;">Just imagine it's playing <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ">this song</a> over and over.</span></i>
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<p>The downside, of course, is that this might result in a decline in business, and also make it much harder to collect parking fees now that passengers are unable to operate their cars. A more reasonable person would suggest that you simply replace the warning sound with something a little more bearable, or eliminate it entirely. When a flight gets in very late, say 11 pm (which I often end up on), all I want to do are get my bag, get home, and get to sleep, all with a minimum of siren/alarm sounds at this late hour. In the meantime, distributing earplugs to arriving passengers in the baggage claim area would be a much-welcomed gesture.</p>
<p>Regards,<br \>
A frequent, and frequently annoyed customer</p>
<p>PS - Please ask the folks working the parking pay booths to get off their phones while on the job, so they can use BOTH hands while processing payments. I don't talk on the phone while teaching my students; they can show some courtesy and concern for their customers trying to get home after a day of travel.</p>
<h1><b><i>The Response</i></b></h1><br \><br \>
<i>
<p>Dear Mr. Warrior,</p>
<p>Thank you for your email to the Birmingham Airport Authority regarding your recent experience at the Birmingham-Shuttlesworth International Airport (BHM). We know your time is important and we appreciate you contacting us. The Birmingham Airport Authority and our airline partners work in cooperation to deliver a world-class travel experience to every passenger. Our priorities also include providing a strong positive impression as the gateway to the Magic City.</p>
<p>We are sorry to hear that you were not pleased with your experience last night. This lets us know we did not meet our goals. While the baggage notification alert is an important part of the baggage system that cannot be changed, we have forwarded your concern to the appropriate management with the Birmingham Airport Authority for review of the volume.</p>
<p>Also, each airline manages their own baggage handling and delivers their passengers bags to the belts. Some of the airlines may choose to contract the service to a third party. We would be happy to forward your comments to the airline that served you or you may also contact them directly. The contact information for each airline at BHM is listed on our website: http://www.flybirmingham.com/schedules-airlines.html</p>
<p>We have also forwarded your concern to the Parking Manager regarding the level of customer service you received from the parking cashiers.</p>
<p>Again, we thank you for your time and we appreciate you making us aware of your experience. We value your comments and use passenger feedback as a tool to improve. We appreciate the opportunity to serve your travel needs and we hope to have the opportunity again in the future.</p>
<p>Kindest regards,<br \>
Birmingham Airport Authority</p><br \>
</i>
<p>Translation: "None of that is our fault, it's all these people we subcontract to! Get bent!" Also, I was enchanted by the idea of there being some "volume review board" for the airport to forward FFW's concerns to. So FFW sent this delightful follow-up letter:</p><br \>
<h1><b><i>The Follow-Up Letter</i></b></h1><br \>
<p>Dear Authority,</p>
<p>I would like to nominate Dr. Angry Customer, PhD for the Baggage Carousel Alert Volume Review Board. In addition to serving as a postdoctoral researcher at a top tier research university, he and his wife <a href="http://angrycustomerletters.blogspot.com/2011/03/targetkitty-city.html">own three cats</a>, and he has spent numerous hours in social interactions with Greek immigrants. For these reasons, he is well-qualified as an expert in annoying sounds and excessive volume levels.</p>
<p>Regards,<br \>
FFW</p><br \>
<h1><b><i>The Response</i></b></h1><br \>
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<iframe width="420" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/q6jMpCjGVBM" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe><br \>
<i><span style="font-size:85%;">Note: I pretty much just needed an excuse to post this.</span></i><br \>
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<h1><b><i>The Verdict</i></b></h1><br \><br \>
<b><span style="font-size:110%;">Severity of the Offense: 5/10</span></b><br \>
<p>I give this a pretty low score just because it has to be placed into the greater context of air travel, and the miasma of horrific customer service that comes along with it.</p><br \>
<b><span style="font-size:110%;">Corporate Care Level: 6/10</span></b><br \>
<p>First off, FFW got a response at all, which is enough to get some points no matter what. FFW claims he's nicer to these guys than I am, which is why he gets stuff. I really don't know.</p><br \>
<b><span style="font-size:110%;">Adequacy of Response: 0/10</span></b><br \>
<p>As far as I can tell, no changes were made. I tried to call FFW to confirm, but he couldn't hear the phone over the ringing in his own head.</p><br \>
<b><span style="font-size:130%;">Overall: 3/10</span></b><br \>
<p>This is about the highest score I could ever give an airport for any reason. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to go one tab over to Netflix, where I have a date with Paula Patton at <i>Baggage Claim</i>...</p>
The Angry Customerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11578215304151815863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2409788015488232565.post-6738582851023613402014-01-31T15:30:00.001-06:002014-01-31T15:30:50.203-06:00Grace's Restaurant<h1><b><i>Nature of the Offense</i></b></h1><br \><br \>
<p>I expect a lot of my readers do some business travel, especially for professional conferences. So many of you are probably familiar with the trappings of the Great American Convention Center. It's basically a suburb minus the rustic, homely charm. Everything is <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2_2lGkEU4Xs">built with cardboard</a>, completely devoid of any soul or individuality, and outrageously expensive. Such is the case with <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/National_Harbor,_Maryland">National Harbor, Maryland</a>, a barren strip of dirt just south of Washington, D.C. that some enterprising young asshole decided to bulldoze and put a disposable hotel on top of. It took me no time at all to start referring to it as Dirt Harbor, a name more appropriate than I initially realized; if you read the Wikipedia article linked in the last sentence, you'll see that they've made fast friends with the Sierra Club by dumping hundreds of thousands gallons of untreated sewage into the Potomac. This was no surprise to me, as the whole place was about as green as a brick.</p>
<p>Anyway, I'm rambling. I got roped into eating at a shitty, overpriced Chinese restaurant at the center, and got mild food poisoning. I wrote this letter between dry heaves.</p>
<h1><b><i>The Letter</i></b></h1><br \>
<p>Dear Grace,</p>
<p>The home page of <a href="http://www.gracesrestaurants.com/mandarin.html">your website</a> shows a picture of chopsticks attempting to pick up a single grain of uncooked rice. Your web designer must have had an experience similar to mine in your restaurant, because I cannot think of a more appropriate image to convey the frustration of dining at your establishment. And you probably don't care, because your customer base consists almost entirely of business travelers who will pay their 50 bucks a head because they're stuck in Dirt Harbor, Maryland and never come back. But I'm still going to send you this litany of complaints, if for no other reason than my own satisfaction.</p>
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<a href="http://s1018.photobucket.com/user/bigsaxquatch/media/graces_chopsticks_zpsb5a786ef.jpg.html" target="_blank"><img src="http://i1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/graces_chopsticks_zpsb5a786ef.jpg" border="0" alt=" photo graces_chopsticks_zpsb5a786ef.jpg"/></a><br \>
<i><span style="font-size:85%;">Seriously, this is supposed to make me want Chinese food?</span></i>
</center>
<p>You use a Chinese character in your signage near the front door. Do you know what it means? I expect that super-trustworthy guy at the tattoo parlor told you it means "grace"--and he wasn't totally lying--but, like your web designer, he was trolling you too. You see, while that character is occasionally used to mean "grace," its more common translation in China is "expensive." Like a Kardashian, you have clearly confused the two, but the end result is hilariously more appropriate than you probably intended. You charge 40 dollars for a plate of crab cakes with asparagus, which might not be outrageous in some circumstances. But when the food arrived, the crab cakes were smaller, less fresh, and contained less crab than the cakes we got for free from the sports bar at the convention center the night before. And the three spears of asparagus were like a bad joke. I've had seven-dollar appetizers from Applebee's that were more filling and tastier than that entree.</p>
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<a href="http://s1018.photobucket.com/user/bigsaxquatch/media/graces_zps4d562409.jpg.html" target="_blank"><img src="http://i1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/graces_zps4d562409.jpg" border="0" alt=" photo graces_zps4d562409.jpg"/></a><br \>
<i><span style="font-size:85%;">It means "General Tso's is not Chinese food."</span></i>
</center>
<p>Let's talk more about your advertising. Your website describes an "intimate" lounge, which is where my friends and I were seated. Tell me, how much should the music be allowed to shake the table in order for the setting to remain "intimate?" When I think of an "intimate lounge," I imagine tinkling pianos, indoor voices, and high-priced prostitutes. What we got was more like a Jersey Shore dance club. The pounding electronic music was so loud I had to shout to the person sitting next to me, and when it was my turn to order I simply held up my menu and pointed. The only thing "intimate" about our dining experience was dessert. We ate cookies in our hotel room.</p>
<p>I actually shouldn't have complained too much earlier about the small portion size. Because starting about 20 minutes after dinner, I wasn't hungry again for about a week. Of course, that's because something I ate at your fine establishment had approximately the same effect as applying a vice grip to my stomach. Speaking with a few other people who ate there that week, it sounds like I wasn't alone in experiencing a bit of intestinal misery after enjoying your cuisine. But hey, I didn't touch my per diem for the rest of the trip, which my employer loved. So thanks for that, I guess!</p>
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<img src="http://static3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120412050337/arresteddevelopment/images/6/64/1x12_Marta_Complex_%2808%29.png" height=400 width=700><br \>
<i><span style="font-size:85%;">All of </i>Arrested Development<i> is an inside joke, so why shouldn't this picture be?</span></i>
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<p>The great American war hero Colonel H. D. Sanders once said "You can be expensive, or you can be of poor quality, but I'm too drunk to finish this sentence." I think what he was trying to say is that if you want to be that shady Chinese joint around the corner that always avoids a failing sanitation grade by the skin of its teeth, fine. But don't play yourself up like some happening D.C. lounge where Congressmen take their underage pages to get them drunk, and charge prices to match.</p>
<p>Sincerely,<br \>
Angry Customer</p><br \>
<h1><b><i>The Response</i></b></h1><br \>
<p>As has become the norm around here, I got absolutely nothing back from Grace. Since I'm sure this is just because she's very busy, I took the liberty of writing the response letter myself, being pretty sure of what the message is here. With Grace being such a fan of half-assed Chinese translation, I used <a href="https://translate.google.com">Google Translate</a> to provide the authenticity that Grace's is so well known for.
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The Angry Customerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11578215304151815863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2409788015488232565.post-47789341724988564722013-07-31T08:38:00.000-05:002013-07-31T08:38:04.679-05:00Boris Diaw<h1><b><i>Nature of the Offense</i></b></h1><br \><br \>
<p>I write the following sentence with approximately the same level of shame as a registered sex offender going door-to-door announcing his move to the neighborhood. I am a <a href="http://www.nba.com/2012/news/04/26/michael-jordan-struggles.ap/index.html">Charlotte Bobcats</a> fan. Perhaps because my father is a lifelong Red Sox fan, my definition of sports is choosing a team from a small list of acceptable semi-local teams and sticking by them no matter how historically shitty things may get. However, there is a notable difference between bad and lazy, and I don't have to put up with buying tickets to see millionaire athletes who can't be bothered to stay in shape.</p><br \>
<p>Enter Boris Diaw.</p><br \>
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<a href="http://s1018.photobucket.com/user/bigsaxquatch/media/boris_burger_zps1ddee904.jpg.html" target="_blank"><img src="http://i1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/boris_burger_zps1ddee904.jpg" border="0" alt=" photo boris_burger_zps1ddee904.jpg"/></a><br \>
<i><span style="font-size:85%;">Tony Parker disapproves.</span></i>
</center>
<p>This fat turd has made a career out of playing well for a contender, signing a huge contract, and then packing on the pounds whenever his team's record dips below .500. Basketball guru Bill Simmons recently wrote about his potential to be "<a href="http://www.grantland.com/story/_/id/9399191/legacy-check">the fattest guy to play important minutes for a title team</a>." Here's what he looked like in his later years with Charlotte:</p><br \>
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<a href="http://s1018.photobucket.com/user/bigsaxquatch/media/boris_fat_zpsbd3ecbe2.jpg.html" target="_blank"><img src="http://i1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/boris_fat_zpsbd3ecbe2.jpg" border="0" alt=" photo boris_fat_zpsbd3ecbe2.jpg"/></a><br \>
<i><span style="font-size:85%;">The first suggested auto-complete for Boris on Google images is "Boris Diaw fat."</span></i>
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<p>Boris took home <a href="http://www.basketball-reference.com/players/d/diawbo01.html">9 million dollars in salary</a> that year. And then dropped (some of) the weight to chase a title with the Spurs. Fuck him. Anyway, I was recently browsing his <a href="http://www.borisdiaw.com">official website</a> trying to find his email address to call him fat personally. The whole page is a delight if you enjoy making fun of fat athletes with inflated senses of self-worth as much as I do, but the real treat came on his "<a href="http://www.borisdiaw.com/links/">links</a>" page:</p><br \>
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<a href="http://s1018.photobucket.com/user/bigsaxquatch/media/boris_friends_zpsfc503dc7.jpg.html" target="_blank"><img src="http://i1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/boris_friends_zpsfc503dc7.jpg" border="0" alt=" photo boris_friends_zpsfc503dc7.jpg"/></a>
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<p>To translate: among links to his "friends," right up there with fellow French basketballers Tony Parker and Ronny Turiaf, he includes two burger bars, one each in Charlotte and San Antonio. Would you like to see this if you were the strength and conditioning coach for an NBA team? I say no. To learn more, I emailed Mortimer's, which is one of the many bars around Time Warner Cable Arena in downtown Charlotte.</p><br \>
<h1><b><i>The Letter</i></b></h1><br \><br \>
<p>Dear Mortimer's,</p><br \>
<p>I was just browsing through former Bobcat Boris Diaw's website, because I've already seen every pair of female boobs on the internet, and remembered what a nice pair he developed during his time in Charlotte. Did you know he includes your pub as one of only seven links in the "Friends" section of his page? That's right, a world-famous, multimillionaire athlete has seven friends on the whole of the internet, and one of them is a Hotdog Panini Sandwich.</p><br \>
<p>Did Boris come in often? Is that why he got so fat while he played for the Bobcats? Just to be safe, I would get in touch with his people and ask him to remove the link. Having Boris as your spokesperson would be like Hooters hiring John Daly, and <a href="http://angrycustomerletters.blogspot.com/2011/04/nfl.html">we all know how well that worked out</a>.</p><br \>
<p>Sincerely,<br \>
Angry Customer, Bobcats/Hornets fan</p><br \>
<h1><b><i>The Response</i></b></h1><br \><br \>
<i><p>Hi Angry,</p><br \>
<p>We aren't able to comment on our relationship with Boris, but we hope you enjoy Mortimer's and our menu offerings!</p><br \>
<p>Amy ********<br \>
Director of Marketing<br \>
Mortimer's Cafe & Pub<p><br \></i>
Wait a minute, you can't comment?! Does this mean Mortimer's actually has some business arrangement with Boris? The whole thing boggles my mind, but only adds to the enduring mystique of Boris Diaw the Obese Professional Athlete. I won't do a breakdown, because Mortimer's didn't do anything wrong, and they were kind enough to send me a personalized reply even if it didn't really say anything. Boris, if you're reading this, try a salad.The Angry Customerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11578215304151815863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2409788015488232565.post-50197098251390619312013-04-29T08:59:00.000-05:002013-05-01T14:32:08.894-05:00Fast Food Warrior: Outback Steakhouse<h1><b><i>Nature of the Offense</i></b></h1><br \><br \>
<p>Well, it seems our frequent contributor The Fast Food Warrior is back on the case! This time, he's managed to experience the bad side of Outback Steakhouse, which the New York Times Food Review once referred to as "the most authentic Australian cuisine you can get without going to Hooters." (<i>editor's note: citation needed</i>). As you will see below, the Miami Outback did not see fit to show a critical March Madness game on any of their many televisions, probably anticipating the enormous dump "the U" would take in its matchup against Marquette just a few weeks later. What ensued was a classic example of the indifference to customer service we here at Letters have come to know so well.</p><br \>
<h1><b><i>The Letter</i></b></h1><br \><br \>
<p>Dear Outback,</p><br \>
<p>This past Friday, I had the distinct displeasure of dining at your Flagler location in Miami, FL with several colleagues. We chose your restaurant and decided to dine in the bar area with the intent of being able to watch some of the Big East tournament. I should note that this year's Big East tournament will be the last one in its current format, due to the breakup of the league, and this would be the last chance to see my beloved Syracuse Orange meet the hated, despicable Georgetown Hoyas. This is one of college basketball's greatest rivalries, and it ended in spectacular fashion on Friday night with an overtime victory for Syracuse.</p><br \>
<p>But I didn't get to watch it. Of the four TVs in the bar, three were tuned to a REGULAR SEASON Miami Heat game, and the other to the World Baseball Classic, which is a complete joke. I asked for the Syracuse-Georgetown game to be put on one screen, and your staff not only had difficulty finding ESPN in the channel lineup, but granted me about 90 seconds viewing time before turning back to the Heat game once Syracuse-Georgetown went into overtime. That's right, the game I was watching went into overtime, and they turned it OFF! It's not like I was freeloading - I was buying dinner and $9 drinks, so a little hospitality is to be expected. Instead, I have never felt less welcome in a fake Australian-themed establishment.</p><br \>
<p>While I never was an enthusiastic fan of your chain of restaurants, until approximately 40 hours ago, it remained an acceptable option when traveling for a reliable source of gut-busting calories and a low likelihood of food poisoning. It's probably unfair to put your entire chain on my RNG list (Restauranta Non-Grata), I couldn't give two bollocks for fairness after the way I was treated like Aboriginal rubbish two days ago. There were two other screens showing the Heat game - was it really necessary to kill my POST-SEASON OVERTIME HISTORIC END OF A RIVALRY MATCHUP and put the Heat back on a third TV? They screwed up my food order too, by the way.</p><br \>
<p>I'm another dissatisfied customer, and I approve this complaint.</p><br \>
<h1><b><i>The Response</i></b></h1><br \><br \>
<p>The Fast Food Warrior seems to be better at getting free loot for his troubles than I am. On the other hand, he's just as good at having these companies fail to get his name right. Not long after sending the above letter, FFW received the following response from Outback:</p><br \>
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<a href="http://s1018.photobucket.com/user/bigsaxquatch/media/outback_letter_crop_zps8922957e.jpg.html" target="_blank"><img src="http://i1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/outback_letter_crop_zps8922957e.jpg" border="0" alt=" photo outback_letter_crop_zps8922957e.jpg"/></a>
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<p>So the letter was stuffed with some vouchers for free food and drink, but what's so hilarious about all of it is how far out of their way Outback went to make sure FFW knew how little they really welcomed his intrusion. Let's look at the enclosed goodies, complete with comments from our site's Australian correspondent, Filthy the Kangaroo:</p><br \>
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<a href="http://s1018.photobucket.com/user/bigsaxquatch/media/kangaroo_zps0d5b0de7.jpg.html" target="_blank"><img src="http://i1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/kangaroo_zps0d5b0de7.jpg" border="0" alt=" photo kangaroo_zps0d5b0de7.jpg"/></a>
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<p>First, a free(?) Bloomin' Onion! Because who doesn't love congestive heart failure on the house?</p><br \>
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<a href="http://s1018.photobucket.com/user/bigsaxquatch/media/outback_onion_mod_zps09629329.jpg.html" target="_blank"><img src="http://i1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/outback_onion_mod_zps09629329.jpg" border="0" alt=" photo outback_onion_mod_zps09629329.jpg"/></a>
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<p>And let's not forget, a $20 gift ca... er, well, "shut up and leave us alone" card?</p><br \>
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<a href="http://s1018.photobucket.com/user/bigsaxquatch/media/outback_card_mod_zpsf9ae8e8c.jpg.html" target="_blank"><img src="http://i1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/outback_card_mod_zpsf9ae8e8c.jpg" border="0" alt=" photo outback_card_mod_zpsf9ae8e8c.jpg"/></a>
</center>
<p>What a mess. On to the breakdown.</p><br \>
<h1><b><i>The Verdict</i></b></h1><br \><br \>
<b><span style="font-size:110%;">Severity of the Offense: 8/10</span></b><br \>
<p>The issue with the TV probably merits a 6 on its own. But to get the food order wrong too? I guess FFW just had to enjoy the authentic Australian atmosphere.</p><br \>
<b><span style="font-size:110%;">Corporate Care Level: 4/10</span></b><br \>
<p>I'm making a distinction here between "care" and "the manager's training manual says to stuff some coupons in an envelope."</p><br \>
<b><span style="font-size:110%;">Adequacy of Response: 8/10</span></b><br \>
<p>This grade comes from FFW, not me. I guess he likes getting free food enough to forgive some pretty serious grievances.</p><br \>
<b><span style="font-size:130%;">Overall: 8/10</span></b><br \>
<p>There are two things working in Outback's favor here. First, they responded promptly with a (form) letter and goodies. Second, the sheer entertainment value of the non-gift card just makes this one of the more fun letters we've done here. Good stuff all around. But seriously, don't eat at Outback.</p>
The Angry Customerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11578215304151815863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2409788015488232565.post-20789795594929091952013-02-16T11:54:00.000-06:002013-03-13T14:15:56.389-05:00Alamo Drafthouse<h1><b><i>Nature of the Offense</i></b></h1><br \><br \>
<p>At this point, the <a href="http://www.drafthouse.com">Alamo Drafthouse</a> has earned a fairly big reputation, even nationwide, so I don't need to spend much time setting them up. Basically, it's a second-rate movie theater that sells food and beer, and it's become pretty popular around Austin. They recently moved to a new system where, when you buy tickets online, you have to select a seat in advance. From everyone I've talked to, it's basically an unmitigated disaster, as my story can attest.</p><br \>
<p>A couple days after I walked out without seeing a movie, I received an email asking for my feedback. Ask and ye shall receive...</p><br \>
<h1><b><i>The Letter</i></b></h1><br \><br \>
<p>I purchased tickets for Valentine's day via your online ticketing system for myself and my wife. At the time, the seat selection menu only showed single seats available, despite the website stating leaving single seats would not be allowed. So I purchased two seats on the same row, trusting that the basic human decency of my fellow moviegoers would encourage them to slide one whole seat over and let me sit with my wife on Valentine's day.</p><br \>
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<i><span style="font-size:85%;">Still more subtle than</i> The Departed.</span>
</center>
<p>Perhaps I should have taken my cues from your petty, insensitive treatment of the girl you threw out of the theater for using her phone, and then <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Y5xK6Qd1YA">turned her into a national laughingstock by posting her voicemail on YouTube</a>, because your customers are just as rude. When I asked the woman in the seat next to mine if she could slide over one seat (to a better vantage point, no less), she acted like I had just split open a live infant child in front of her. Very quickly, two or three of your servers converged on me to see how I could have so badly offended this woman. When I told them of my situation, they were quick to inform me just how impossible it was for anyone to slide over even one seat in your system, whining something about "shifting tabs" like it was cold fusion. Mind you, this was 40 minutes before showtime, so it wasn't like I was holding up the start of whatever stop-motion Liza Minelli tribute you were planning to run before the opening credits.</p><br \>
<p>After a few minutes of being treated like a kindergartener who won't go back to his desk and put his dick away, we decided to just leave without seeing our movie. My wife, knowing we wouldn't be able to get in anywhere else at 8PM on Valentine's day, was in tears.</p><br \>
<p>I've tried to like you, Alamo, but as it turns out, the drunk girl on the voicemail is right. You guys are pompous and stuck-up, for no good reason, and more often than not the result of that is you treat your customers like shit. I will not be back for any reason, and more than likely the readers of Letters from the Angry Customer will not, either.</p><br \><br \>
<h1><b><i>The Response</i></b></h1><br \><br \>
<p><i> Greetings Angry,</p><br \>
I appreciate you taking the time to provide us with some feedback and I also wanted to take this opportunity to apologize for your sub-par experience.
You are correct about our website not allowing single seat gaps but there are few instances where this can still take place such as when there are 3 seats available but only 2 are being purchased. I would like to think that most people would be willing to shift over a seat to accommodate a fellow moviegoer but we cannot force people to move from their chosen seat and some people go to lengths to ensure getting that ideal seat.</p><br \>
<p>Since food orders are tied to those seat #'s it does make it difficult to ensure that orders are delivered to the proper table but this is by no means impossible. I agree that this could have been better handled by our staff and my biggest regret is that a manager was not involved. Rest assured that your comments open up the discussion about how to handle seating issues and I will take the opportunity to help coach our staff on the matter.</p><br \>
<p>As for our PSA about the woman who got booted, we've actually gotten national attention in praise for our no talking policy. This was featured on Anderson Cooper which is why it got so big and made its way onto youTube. Since then, we've received tons of support from movie-lovers, actors, and filmmakers alike which has helped build our library of no talking PSA's featuring the likes of Danny Devito, George Romero, and Michael Madsen to name a few. As movie-lovers ourselves, our goal is to do everything we ca to preserve the movie watching experience where this is a common nuisance that is almost never enforced by most theaters.</p><br \>
<p>Most of our policies are driven by guest feedback so you can always feel free to drop us a line through our website <a href="http://www.drafthouse.com">www.drafthouse.com</a> and contact info can be found at the bottom of our main page. You can even leave comments specific to each location and there is a handy form that makes it easy to leave this response and gives us the opportunity to follow up with you.</p><br \>
<p>Best regards,<br \>
-Mario</i></p><br \><br \>
<h1><b><i>The Verdict</i></b></h1><br \><br \>
<b><span style="font-size:110%;">Severity of the Offense: 10/10</span></b><br \>
<p>Not once have I ever gone to a theater and not even been able to sit down. More or less a complete failure in every way.</p><br \>
<b><span style="font-size:110%;">Corporate Care Level: 6/10</span></b><br \>
<p>The YouTube video of the girl's voicemail is pretty indicative of how much they value constructive criticism. I can't evaluate whether they really take customer feedback into consideration when making policy changes. Send them a letter and tell them I sent you; let me know if you get anywhere. </p><br \>
<b><span style="font-size:110%;">Adequacy of Response: 7/10</span></b><br \>
<p>I'll mention here that I was offered a refund, which is what I consider the bare minimum for receiving absolutely no service whatsoever. I always appreciate a personalized response, although I suspect that paragraph about the YouTube video was pre-written.</p><br \>
<b><span style="font-size:130%;">Overall: 3/10</span></b><br \>
<p>They get one point for giving me a refund, and I'm actually a bit split on whether even that much is warranted. The other two are awarded for the response letter. The bottom line, though, is that Alamo was never good enough in the first place to make it worth all this trouble. I'll just stick with <a href="http://angrycustomerletters.blogspot.com/2011/01/netflix.html">Netflix</a>.</p>The Angry Customerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11578215304151815863noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2409788015488232565.post-45762614756477974352012-09-17T21:10:00.001-05:002012-09-17T21:10:16.191-05:00Sonic Drive-In<h1><b><i>Nature of the Offense</i></b></h1><br \><br \>
<p>Allow me to set the stage:<br \><br \>
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Nothing wrong with some discount ice cream, right? Right. However, imagine you were promised such a deal, only to have it yanked back at the last second. Angry yet? This customer was...</p><br \>
<h1><b><i>The Letter</i></b></h1><br \><br \>
<p>Dear Sonic,</p>
<p>This started out as an email to customer relations about a recent visit, but a quick look around your website made me immediately realize that the problem is much bigger than that. First off, I see that customer letters are limited to 2500 characters, while investors have unlimited space. By my calculations, that means you believe--as most American corporations seem to these days--your investors are infinitely more valuable than your customers. Such a stance is problematic, at best, from a business standpoint. In fact, your entire business standpoint is suspect in my opinion. When I go to your customer feedback page I see the following quote at the top of the page:<p>
<p><b><i>"This page is all about business. Serious business. Well, as serious as you can get about Sonic, anyway."</b></i></p>
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<a href="http://s1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/?action=view&current=sonic_business.png" target="_blank"><img src="http://i1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/sonic_business.png" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a>
<i><span style="font-size:85%;">Because I wouldn't believe it if I didn't see it for myself.</span></i>
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<p>You think aggravated customers want to see that? Because if you don't take your business seriously, I'm sure as hell not going to. Let's discuss the experience I had at your 4929 Burnet Rd (Austin, TX) location last night, keeping the above quote in mind.</p>
<p>At approximately 6:30 last night, my wife and I decided we wanted ice cream. We had been to Sonic a few weeks before, and enjoyed your new ice cream, so we decided we would go back. However, I remembered that the last time we went, the whole restaurant was plastered with ads for half-price shakes and malts after 8PM. So we waited a full hour and a half before we came over. Do you know what it's like to decide you're getting ice cream, and then have to sit and wait a full 90 minutes before you can claim your reward? The only appropriate comparison I can come up with is the time between the age when a boy decides girls don't have cooties anymore and the time when he can do anything about it. It's agony. But we waited patiently, knowing the extra gallon of gas we'd be able to afford for waiting would be worth it.</p>
<p>So I pull into the parking lot just as the hour rolls over, and I say our order into the speaker. I ordered a caramel milkshake, and my wife got one of your new mini-sized Blasts, since she doesn't like large portions. Unfortunately, your speaker system--which is how customers are encouraged to order, I believe--is in such terrible shape that I couldn't understand your employee confirming my order. I decided to assume it was better on her end, since again, THIS IS HOW YOU FACILITATE COMMUNICATION BETWEEN SERVERS AND CUSTOMERS, and didn't waste any more time yelling at a plastic menu. Bad decision...</p>
<p>A few minutes go by, and a carhop comes out with my order. Well, she came out with AN order, just not mine. Apparently the speaker quality on the server's end isn't any better than it was on mine, and "Mini" came out "Medium." And according to Sonic, "medium" means "just small enough you can't swim in it." Because when it comes to obesity, Sonic is "as serious as you can get." We decided not to send it back, though, because as I mentioned before, we had already waited 100 minutes for ice cream at this point, and sending it back then would have likely caused us to eat each other's eyes out. Upon receiving our ice cream, the carhop asked for an amount of money approximately quadruple what I had expected to pay during half price shake hour, but I paid anyway, assuming the Blasts were sold by weight.</p>
<p>Looking at my receipt, I saw that this was not the case. Not only had I not been given the half price discount for my caramel shake (even though the receipt had a timestamp of 8:09), I had actually been charged an ADDITIONAL 10 cents for the caramel flavoring, which was mentioned NOWHERE on the menu. I guess I took the menu more seriously than I was supposed to. Also, what are your milkshakes supposed to taste like WITHOUT the flavoring? If forced at gunpoint to describe the taste of my shake as anything other than "nothing," I think the best I could have come up with would have been "chilled bull semen."</p>
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<p>I pointed out the error to the carhop, who took the issue to her manager. She came back a few minutes later and told me she could not rectify the transaction because I paid with a credit card. That's interesting, because I guarantee if I call Visa and tell them you defrauded me they won't have any issue making things right. But hey, let's don't get too serious about credit card fraud, right? Anyway, the girl shoves a coupon in my face and scampers off, never to be seen again. Looking at the coupon, I see it's good for one free Sonic burger, but that cheese, chili, bacon, or jalepenos will cost extra. Great, so between the wrong size Blast and the double-price spooge shake, you've screwed me out of approximately six dollars, which you make up for by offering me a plain slab of ground beef between two dry buns that probably costs you about a nickel. I guess in this exchange you only value your investors 120 times as much as your customers, which is certainly a better ratio than the infinity I arrived at above.</p>
<p>Do you "seriously" think any of this makes me want to go back to Sonic? Because the only "serious business" I want to do at Sonic right now is the kind I normally reserve for the toilet.
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<a href="http://s1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/?action=view&current=portajohn_sonic.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/portajohn_sonic.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a>
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If you want to keep this from happening again, I would suggest you put some "serious" effort into improving your menus, speakers, registers, and most importantly, your attitudes. Also, I'd like a little better compensation than this pitiful coupon.</p>
<p>Sincerely,<br \>
The Angry Customer</p><br \><br \>
<h1><b><i>The Response</i></b></h1><br \><br \>
<p>Some <i>three weeks</i> after sending the above letter, I got this from Sonic's Investor Relations Department:</p><br \>
<p>Hello, Angry.</p>
<p>We would like to thank you for taking the time to bring this matter to our attention and to apologize for your inconvenience. We always strive to provide great food and drinks with quality customer service. With this being said, we wanted to reach out to let you know we care! I have forwarded your concerns to our customer service department (telephone number (866) 657-6642) as well so we may resolve this issue for you.</p>
<p>Wishing you a super SONIC "Tot" Day!</p>
<p>thx - Rj</p>
<p>Renée J******
Investor Relations
Sonic America's Drive-In</p><br \><br \>
<p>No, <i>thx</i> you, Renée! So she's passed things on to customer service, and a couple more weeks later, I get another email:</p><br \>
<p>Dear Angry Customer:</p>
<p>We are very sorry that your 06/07/2012 visit to the Sonic Drive-In in Austin, Texas did not live up to expectations and are grateful to you for telling us about it. If people like you did not bring these matters to our attention, we would never be able to fix them. We have forwarded your comments to the appropriate drive-in supervisor for the location that you visited. If you have any further concerns in the future, please share them with us. Our goal is to continuously improve the Sonic Drive-In experience and to keep you as regular guest.</p>
<p>Sincerely,</p>
<p>Sonic Drive-In</p>
<p>Customer Service Manager</p><br \>
<p>Replies to this email address are not monitored. Should you need to contact us again, please call 1-866-OK-SONIC and provide the report number in the subject line above.</p><br \><br \>
<p>I tried a different approach with this letter, actually asking for remuneration. Unfortunately, this was the end of my communication with Sonic, as the "drive-in supervisor" didn't get back to me. Guess it's time for a recap.</p><br \><br \>
<h1><b><i>The Verdict</i></b></h1><br \><br \>
<b><span style="font-size:110%;">Severity of the Offense: 7/10</span></b><br \>
<p>Let's see...overcharging, bad food, and terrible customer service? Pretty much nailed the "bad customer experience" hat trick there.</p><br \>
<b><span style="font-size:110%;">Corporate Care Level: 3/10</span></b><br \>
<p>This is a letter that didn't need to happen. I voiced my displeasure at the time of the incident, giving Sonic an opportunity to make things right. They got a second chance with my letter. Think I'm feeling valued as a customer?</p><br \>
<b><span style="font-size:110%;">Adequacy of Response: 4/10</span></b><br \>
<p>Ordinarily, I'd be ecstatic that I actually got two responses from real human beings. However, as I mentioned before, I was fairly specific about what I wanted from this letter; if you rip me off, I expect my money back, at least. A "thanks for sharing" email isn't going to cut it.</p><br \>
<b><span style="font-size:130%;">Overall: 3/10</span></b><br \>
<p>It's sad that this is an example of one of the more satisfactory exchanges I've had with a company. And still, it falls way short of what I expect as a paying customer. I won't be doing any more business with Sonic.</p>The Angry Customerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11578215304151815863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2409788015488232565.post-48629190524037742282012-04-12T14:47:00.026-05:002012-04-17T18:07:13.295-05:00The Third Letter to Tennessee<i><br />“I was in Nashville, Tennessee last year. After the show I went to a Waffle House. I'm not proud of it, I was hungry. And I'm alone, I'm eating and I'm reading a book, right? Waitress walks over to me: 'Hey, whatcha readin' for?' Isn't that the weirdest fuckin' question you've ever heard? Not what am I reading, but what am I reading FOR? Well, goddamnit, ya stumped me! Why do I read? Well . . . hmmm...I dunno...I guess I read for a lot of reasons and the main one is so I don't end up being a fuckin' waffle waitress.”</i><br />― Bill Hicks<br /><br /><b><i><span style="font-size:130%";>Nature of the Offense</span></b></i><br /><br />Oh, Tennessee, why must we do this? Seriously, I'm starting to feel like I'm taking shots at an aircraft carrier with a Nerf gun. This state is such an impenetrable fortress of stupid that if their public school system could teach students which way to turn the pages of a book, they would lead the nation in yearly improvement on a percentage scale. Nevertheless, they have chosen to further cripple the lifetime earning potential of their children with a <a href="http://www.nature.com/news/tennessee-monkey-bill-becomes-law-1.10423">new law</a> enabling public school teachers to include anti-evolution material in the science curriculum.<br /><br />Here's Bo Watson, the idiot state senator who sponsored the bill, discussing the merits of the new law. Don't worry if you can't stand to watch the whole thing; I'll filter the shit diamonds from the rest of his verbal sewage below.<br /><br /><center><br /><iframe width="560" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/_0eDPkwxUaA" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe><br /></center><br /><br />I sent the following letter to State Senator Watson (because I'm not going to dignify him with just "senator") as an expression of my disgust.<br /><br /><b><i><span style="font-size:130%";>The Letter</span></b></i><br /><br />Dear State Senator Watson,<br /><br />Congratulations on getting your now-infamous "Monkey Bill" passed! Now that I've written the obligatory polite opening sentence, allow me to go into detail about how much I hate that spineless piece of kindling you and your fellow "Christian Conservatives" rammed up the tailpipes of Tennessee's science teachers.<br /><br />As someone who teaches science at the collegiate level, I find myself constantly working to undo the damage done by public school systems who believe in the "scientific weaknesses" of things like evolution and climate change. You want to know why American schoolchildren are falling further and further behind "the other countries" (as you put it) in science? Because teachers are being forced to either waste time discussing "alternative theories" to established science, or leave it out altogether. I saw an interview you gave recently, in which you attempted to defend the bill, and explain why my viewpoint is not valid. I'd like to go through some of the points you made, and maybe try to stimulate some of that "critical thinking" you're so big on all of us doing.<br /><br />1. You want science teachers to be able to incorporate "all the information from the internet" when students bring it in. I spent a little time looking up scientific theories online, and found a few for your consideration:<br /><br /><a href="http://www.timecube.com/">-1 X -1 = -1</a> and Jews are evil.<br /><br />The sun is the only luminous body in the universe, and everything else we see is due to "<a href="http://www.spacemirrormystery.com/">space mirrors</a>."<br /><br />Dark matter is actually caused by <a href="http://arxiv.org/abs/1112.3630">trillions of supermassive free-floating planets</a> that formed in the first fractions of a second after the big bang.<br /><br />The age of the Universe is <a href="http://www.fst.rnu.tn/kbs/All_fichiers/PublicationsEn.html">given precisely in the Qur'an</a>. I'm pretty sure the whole "Jews are evil" thing can be found in this one as well.<br /><br />State senator Watson, which of these theories would you like to teach Tennessee students in order to boost their science education above "the other countries?"<br /><br />2. You said that you did not mean for the Monkey Bill to encourage creationism or climate change denial in particular, but that those topics were simply meant to illustrate "common areas of debate." Where, exactly, are these topics common areas of debate? At a Koch brothers meeting, certainly, or perhaps the comments section of a Fox News article. But not in a scientific research journal. <br /><br /><center><br /><a href="http://s1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/?action=view&current=evolution_comment.png" target="_blank"><img src="http://i1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/evolution_comment.png" border="0" alt="Photobucket" width="600"></a><br /><i><span style="font-size:85%";>Real comment from a news site.</i></span><br /></center><br /><br />Perhaps we should use our science classes to debate issues that are truly argued on a frequent basis, like "do you think Bo Watson can read?" or "is Tennessee the <a href="http://angrycustomerletters.blogspot.com/2010/06/state-of-tennessee.html">worst state ever</a>?" Actually, I'm just kidding about that last one. Nobody debates it.<br /><br />3. You claim this bill will "improve a teacher's confidence" when answering students' scientific questions. No doubt about that one. I'm sure the next time a student raises her hand in class and asks about a hot-topic debate like "how can we know the universe is really expanding when it is at least equally plausible to conclude that the luminosity of a Type Ia supernova is not constant in time?" the teacher will say "Hey, I may be an underpaid, overworked public high school teacher who majored in dramatic performance in college, but a bunch of conservative Christians in the Tennessee state legislature just passed a vague law encouraging the discussion of scientific strengths and weaknesses in the classroom. I GOT THIS!"<br /><br /><center><br /><a href="http://s1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/?action=view&current=teacher_chalkboard.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/teacher_chalkboard.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a><br /><i><span style="font-size:85%";>"I have genital herpes, and a degree from DeVry! Let's tackle the tough stuff, yeah?"</i></span><br /></center><br /><br />4. You say a major consequence of your bill will be that students will be able to "disseminate" credible information from non-credible. Did you mean "differentiate?" Oh wait! The law hasn't taken effect yet. I'll email you again in a few months, when your bill will allow me to ask the hard-hitting questions.<br /><br />5. The final benefit you point out is that your bill will prevent the ACLU from "beating down the doors" of any teacher who dares to answer a student's question on creationism. It's funny, in all the years before your bill, I never had an ACLU member beating on my door. You know who does show up uninvited at my place? Religious nuts like you. How is your bill handling THAT?<br /><br />Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't think your legislation doesn't have a place. It does. You know that Sunday School class you teach? Take it there.<br /><br />Sincerely,<br />The Angry Customer<br />Graduate Researcher<br />Department of Astronomy<br />The University of (<i>redacted</i>)<br /><br /><b><i><span style="font-size:130%";>The Response</span></b></i><br /><br />As with the other two letters to the Confederate Stronghold of Tennessee, this one seems to have fallen on <s>deaf</s> dumb ears. I think the quote at the beginning of this post says it all. Nobody reads, or writes, or does anything in that state other than run in a circle and wave their cocks around. I won't do a full wrap-up here, because the point is pretty obvious, but let's just slap this down for good measure:<br /><br /><b><span style="font-size:115%";>State of Tennessee, Final Grade:</b> F-</span>The Angry Customerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11578215304151815863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2409788015488232565.post-66229421951254270812011-08-16T09:24:00.006-05:002011-08-16T10:03:21.334-05:00Atlanta Airport<b><i><span style="font-size:130%;">Nature Of The Offense</b></i></span>
<br />
<br />Anyone who can still afford to fly now that the United States' credit card bill looks worse than a Dallas soccer mom's knows what a miserable dump the ATL airport is. Of course, the obviousness of a business's crappiness has never stopped me from blasting them on this site, so here we go!
<br />
<br /><b><i><span style="font-size:130%;">The Letter</b></i></span>
<br />
<br />Dear Atlanta,
<br />
<br />Sherman needs to burn your shit down all over again. I've had to deal with your airport a lot recently, but my last trip through that dump finally set me over the edge. I am now convinced beyond any shadow of a doubt that your airport is the worst on this planet (or maybe any planet for that matter). It is my hope that the following account of my last trip there will convince you of the same.
<br />
<br />First of all, why is it that when I make a connection through Atlanta I ALWAYS have to cross the entire airport to make my flight, even when I'm staying on the same airline? Adding to the problem is the idiotic layout of the terminals. Have you looked at a terminal map of that place? It looks like some kid with Down's Syndrome drew a Christmas tree.
<br />
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<br /><a href="http://s1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/?action=view&current=ATLterminal.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/ATLterminal.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket" height="400" width="300"></a>
<br /><i><span style="font-size:85%";>Yep. Like that.</span></i>
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<br />
<br />Also, having those trains to take me from terminal to terminal really doesn't save me any time when accessing them means climbing approximately eighteen stories on an escalator that moves at the pace of a Young Life girl on prom night.
<br />
<br />What really shocked me about this last trip in particular was how you prioritized your customer service. As I was hiking towards Savannah to make my connection, I passed a group of 6-8 senior citizens. One of your golf carts passed them, too. Well, it didn't so much pass them as much as it did run them over while going full speed and furiously slamming its horn. Who were the passengers, you might ask? Foreign dignitaries? A heart attack victim? Nope, just two mid-thirties rednecks who were simply too obese to walk to wherever they were going. The driver plowed through old people and children for these lardasses like the last-ever bucket of KFC was about to come off the line. Nice touch there, really.
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<br /></center>
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<br />All of this effort, just to reach my gate. Which, by the way, wasn't so much an airport gate as it was a cramped, dusty hallway filled with more sad, desperate people than a refugee camp. Even Dallas, which goes by the name of "Big D" after something someone did on the toilet, handles airport gates better than this. They have comfortable seats, TVs, and plenty of nearby food. What do you have? Windowless walls, plastic benches, and staff who are constantly getting on the intercom to "ax" us to move somewhere. I've been to Greyhound stations more hospitable.
<br />
<br />Do I think you're likely to fix any of this? Probably not, no. I just wanted you to know why I'm connecting through Detroit the next time I fly from Texas to North Carolina.
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<br /><b><i><span style="font-size:130%;">The Response</b></i></span>
<br />
<br />None whatsoever. I sent that letter to several departments at ATL, and as far as I can tell, it wasn't even read. I'm not entirely convinced they have the capability. Let's do a verdict, for my own personal gratification.
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<br /><b><i><span style="font-size:130%";>The Verdict</b></i></span>
<br />
<br />
<br /><b><span style="font-size:110%";>Severity of the Offense: 8/10</b></span>
<br />
<br />I made my flight, so there's that. Every single other part of the experience was anger-inducing, though, so I'm not getting carried away on the praise.
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<br /><b><span style="font-size:110%";>Corporate Care Level: 0/10</b></span>
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<br />At no point during any trip I've ever made to ATL or during the above "correspondence" with them have I ever gotten the impression that their management is anything but happy to antagonize travelers. I seriously considered giving them a negative score here.
<br />
<br /><b><span style="font-size:110%";>Adequacy of Response: 0/10</b></span>
<br />
<br />Again, the only way this whole thing could be worse would be if they managed to have a pilot draw a giant middle finger in the air with a jet stream.
<br />
<br /><b><span style="font-size:130%";>Overall: 0/10</b></span> The Angry Customerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11578215304151815863noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2409788015488232565.post-56155361517972967732011-05-19T19:08:00.004-05:002011-05-19T19:16:58.132-05:00FFW quickie: People Magazine II<span style="font-size:130%";><b><i>Nature of the Offense</b></i></span><br /><br />Evidently, People magazine didn't get the message <a href="http://angrycustomerletters.blogspot.com/2011/03/people-magazine.html">last time the Fast Food Warrior emailed them</a>. They're still badgering him to subscribe, and he's none too happy about it. The following letter is easily the most insane thing ever posted on this site. Seriously, it's so nuts I'm going to just throw it up here and walk away, as no further snark from me is going to make a bit of difference.<br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%";><b><i>The Letter</b></i></span><br /><br /><b>Subject:</b> Helen Keller / Albert Einstein canoodleing in 1935<br /><br />To the Editor:<br /><br />Leave me the fuck alone. Your subscription services people can't seem to get the message or do their fucking jobs. Editor is top dog at a magazine right? Even if the magazine is a waste of forests. Well I'm taking it out on you. They said I was unsubscribed from all communication months ago, offers and any other bullshit. I gave them their ten day grace period. Now it's more like sixty plus days later. But this stuff keeps coming, like me when I'm with your mother. Do you get the message? Go slap whoever keeps sending me emails until they cry. Then slap them some more. Make sure they get the message. <br /><br />PS: Your previous email is unsolicited soliciting and is being reported to all anti-spam services. <br /><br />PPS: Photo proof of the subject line. Taken by my great great great uncle. Einstein was quite the ladies man and it is little known that he preferred to wear his Princeton colors when courting.<br /><br /><center><br /><a href="http://s1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/?action=view&current=kellereinstein.png" target="_blank"><img src="http://i1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/kellereinstein.png" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a><br /></center>The Angry Customerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11578215304151815863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2409788015488232565.post-1989276685422760092011-04-05T10:25:00.014-05:002011-04-05T19:00:46.575-05:00The NFL<span style="font-size:130%";><b><i>Nature of the Offense</b></i></span><br /><br />If you aren't into sports, you might not have noticed that the players and owners in the NFL can't find a way to amicably share 9 billion dollars a year (<a href="http://www.wolframalpha.com/input/?i=%289+billion+dollars%2Fyear%29%2F%28GDP+Greenland%29">4 times the GDP of Greenland</a>, for those of you scoring at home), and are threatening to cancel the upcoming season. One particularly troubling consequence of such a work stoppage is that <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tag/nfl-lockout-chicken">it would wreak havoc on America's chicken wing industry</a>, including the big buffalo wing sports bars like Buffalo Wild Wings and Hooters.<br /><br />Now, as you may recall, <a href="http://angrycustomerletters.blogspot.com/2010/09/pluckers-chicken.html">I'm not a huge fan of wing joints</a>. However, I love chicken and football, and anything that threatens to take away both of those in one fell swoop has got problems with me. I sent the following letter to Buffalo Wild Wings and Hooters as a rallying cry. Since my gripe wasn't really with them, I won't use my standard letter-response format (hint: I didn't get any response. Surprise!), but rather just throw it out there for fun. Enjoy!<br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%";><b><i>The Letter</b></i></span><br /><br />To the giants of the buffalo wing industry:<br /><br />It is my understanding that the NFL lockout, which threatens to cancel part or all of the 2011-2012 football season, is a cause of great concern for you. No NFL games means no Sunday business. I share your worries; people should be in bars shoveling chicken wings in their faces on the Sabbath, especially the children. If not, they're all the more susceptible to the perverts in church!<br /><br /><center><br /><a href="http://s1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/?action=view&current=rexryan_priest.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/rexryan_priest.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a><br /><span style="font-size:85%";><i>And where would the perverts in the NFL go?!</i></span><br /></center><br /><br />Conventional thinking says we should petition the NFL to avoid this crisis. BWW, you have already started the ball rolling on this front, with your "save our season" campaign on Facebook. However, there is a serious flaw with your strategy here. Namely, you are relying on the sympathy of a company that routinely refuses to cover the medical expenses of its employees when, in the natural course of doing their jobs, their brains are smashed into the consistency of banana pudding. Your odds of success are only slightly greater than those of <a href="http://angrycustomerletters.blogspot.com/2010/06/state-of-tennessee.html">a black woman running for governor of Tennessee</a>.<br /><br /><center><br /><a href="http://s1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/?action=view&current=nba_cares_logo_140.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/nba_cares_logo_140.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a><br /><span style="font-size:85%";><i>No corresponding logo exists for the NFL. Seriously, look for it.</i></span><br /></center><br /><br />I am writing you to propose a radical alternative, one that will bolster your bottom line while simultaneously engendering the goodwill of your consumers. It is my belief that you don't need the NFL. Why?<br /><br />Get ready for this...<br /><br />You could start your own football league.<br /><br />And it could be bigger, badder, and more profitable than the NFL.<br /><br />Crazy? In the traditional sense, yes. But then, think about your business model and its dependence on football. You don't offer the "standard" game-day experience. And that's a good thing. You don't need to pay for stadiums, parking lots, business offices, or JumboTrons because you don't WANT people going to the games! You want them parked on a bar stool guzzling beer and eating buffalo wings that will give them the most painful hangover shits of their lives. Your operating costs are virtually zero; just have a game going on somewhere--schools, parks, wherever--and get a live feed to the TVs in your restaurants!<br /><br />Once you have the basic framework in place, the logical extensions become obvious. This system gives you the opportunity to integrate the fans into the experience in ways never before possible. For starters, you could have teams in as many cities as you want, thereby generating local interest. And the teams could all have catchy buffalo-wing/boobie related names, like the Dallas Ranch, the Green Bay Blue Cheeseheads, the Miami Jerks, Oregon Owls, and the Buffalo...I'm not sure about that one, but you get the idea.<br /><br /><center><br /><a href="http://s1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/?action=view&current=bills_helmet.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/bills_helmet.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a><br /><span style="font-size:85%";><i>Bills?</i></span><br /></center><br /><br />The players don't have to be expensive, either. Take the cast-offs! I've never associated either of your establishments with particularly outstanding personal conduct; hell, John Daly is the biggest-name spokesman either of you have ever had. I don't think your core constituents will complain about rosters full of steroid abusers, recent parolees, and coach-killing clubhouse cancers. In fact, they fit in perfectly with the system I'm proposing. You see, we're going to relax the rules a little bit. By striking the penalties for late hits, hard hits, head hits, etcetera, every game will have the speed and excitement of a 40-car NASCAR wreck from kickoff to the final whistle. Get coaches the same way. What's Bill Romanowski doing these days? Lawrence Taylor, too. Hell, I won't be satisfied until O.J. is coaching via a Skype connection on the sidelines.<br /><br />Now, I know what you're thinking. "This is starting to sound a lot like the XFL, and they didn't gross dollar one." This would be true, except that you are going to go places they never did. See, while the XFL promised football fans excitement and access to the game that was previously unheard of, what they actually delivered was mostly phony and contrived. Where you will succeed will be in the way you literally put fans IN the game. BWW has, without knowing it, already seen the future with its ridiculous commercials. Fans deciding to rig the game so that it goes to overtime is a good start, but why make them wait until the last play to get involved?<br /><br />You probably already have the equipment you need to put this baby together in your Trivia Night box. Imagine: between every play in the Wings Football League, your TVs pop up a Madden-style playbook. Then, using a clicker on each table, your customers actually vote on which play each team runs next! The possibilities are endless. Hate your quarterback? Don't bitch, just run a QB draw every down until you've gotten him plowed into a wet sack of bone dust by the roid-raging linebackers on the other side! Want to know what kind of cardiovascular shape Ted Washington is in? Line him up at wide receiver! If you don't think this would need a new adjective stronger than "awesome," you probably shouldn't be running a wing joint.<br /><br /><center><br /><a href="http://s1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/?action=view&current=Police_Verso.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/Police_Verso.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a><br /><span style="font-size:85%";><i>Nothing like this has ever been attempted in sports.</i></span><br /></center><br /><br />I'm not done, though. We can do better. The final step is to enter any customer who can drink ten or more beers in a single sitting into a national drawing. Then, you select 100 candidates each week, make them sign a waiver, and let them PLAY the Monday-night game. It can't lose. Let O.J. and Romanowski fire them up, put beer in the Gatorade coolers, and let them smash the shit out of each other on national TV. You'd put the reality TV industry out of business because you just invented a level of "keepin' it real" nobody thought possible. And it would beat the hell out of Raiders-Redskins or whatever the NFL ran out there even if they did come back.<br /><br /><center><br /><a href="http://s1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/?action=view&current=jamarcus.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/jamarcus.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a><br /><span style="font-size:85%";><i>"If this fat drunk can play football, so can you!"</i></span><br /></center><br /><br />If you're ready to turn the world of football upside down, let me know, because I'm down to do this thing.The Angry Customerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11578215304151815863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2409788015488232565.post-81903898018308014802011-03-13T15:51:00.015-05:002011-03-14T19:04:33.243-05:00Target/Kitty City<b><i><span style="font-size:130%";>Nature of the Offense</b></i></span><br /><br />Today's entry documents a spectacular double-whammy of a piss-poor shopping experience combined with a substandard, badly-advertised product. The offenders are Target supermarkets, one of the real giants, and Kitty City, a manufacturer of (as we'll soon see) crummy cat toys and accessories. The prologue is included in the letter, so let's get to it!<br /><br /><b><i><span style="font-size:130%";>The Letter</b></i></span><br /><br />Dear Target and Kitty City, USA:<br /><br />I am writing the both of you because I consider the consumer experience I have just completed a joint failure on your parts. First, some backstory: I am adopting a new kitten. To put a face on the matter, I have included a picture of the kitten in question for you.<br /><br /><center><br /><a href="http://s1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/?action=view&current=IMAG0100.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/IMAG0100.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket" height="275" width="400"></a><br /></center><br /><br />This kitten has had a rough life so far. She has lost her mother, presumably in a horrific accident, and was discovered alone, filthy, and malnourished. Thanks to the devoted efforts of a rescue agency and a foster family, she is now healthy and happy, and about to join her "forever home." To make the transition a comfortable one, my wife and I headed to Target to pick up some kitten supplies.<br /><br />Here is where the trouble starts. While Target stores seem to have plenty of lovely accessories for dogs, they seem to hold cats <a href="http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-503544_162-20011983-503544.html">in the same regard as they do gay people</a>. All the kitten beds were shoved into one shelf all the way at the bottom of the aisle, with boxes all looking like they had just been caught "talking shit" to somebody on Jersey Shore. As evidence, I have included a picture of the box to my Kitty City hideaway:<br /><br /><center><br /><a href="http://s1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/?action=view&current=mms95picture.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/mms95picture.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket" height="350" width="400"></a><br /></center><br /><br />In case it's not abundantly clear from the picture, that's the top flap of the box, hastily re-sealed with packing tape. And every box on the shelf looked the same way. So now I get to bring my baby kitten home and put her in a bed that, for all I know, has been used and returned by someone whose cats have mange. Thanks a lot, Target. Nothing beats paying the "new" price for used merchandise.<br /><br />Now, on to the product itself. Kitty City, as I'm sure you are aware, you use the following picture on the box of your Hideaway play center:<br /><br /><center><br /><a href="http://s1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/?action=view&current=10_Hideaway.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/10_Hideaway.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket" height="400" width="400"></a><br /></center><br /><br />Notice how the blue ball toy hangs more than halfway down the cube. However, when I unpack my Hideaway, here's what I find:<br /><br /><center><br /><a href="http://s1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/?action=view&current=IMAG0101.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/IMAG0101.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket" height="250" width="400"></a><br /></center><br /><br />Are you aware that the oscillation period of a pendulum is directly proportional to its length? At three inches long, when my kitten paws at this "toy"--assuming she can even reach it, that is--there's every chance it will swing back and smack her in the face before she can even react. While I'm sure your wives all assure you that three inches is perfectly adequate, my eight-week-old kitten doesn't need a speed bag. Please change your product packaging to accurately reflect its contents.<br /><br /><center><br /><a href="http://s1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/?action=view&current=speedbagkitty.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/speedbagkitty.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a><br /><span style="font-size:85%";><i>Pictured: not my kitten.</i></span><br /></center><br /><br />In short, I'm doing my best to give a delicate, adorable baby animal the safe, nurturing environment she deserves. Kitty City, on the other hand, sees fit to sell me misrepresented accessories that are as likely to injure her as entertain her, and Target has no problem with charging me full MSRP for them when they've been (potentially harmfully) tampered with.<br /><br />Look at that kitten again. Is this really the best she should hope for? If not, you should consider a complete overhaul of the "pet care" divisions of your respective businesses.<br /><br /><b><i><span style="font-size:130%";>The Response</b></i></span><br /><br />The first thing I got was this load of crap from Kitty City:<br /><br />"Thank you for contacting SportPet Designs, Inc. <br /><br />The following information will be required to process your request.<br /><br />1. Reason for your inquiry:<br /><br />2. Product Name:<br /><br />3. Date of Purchase:<br /><br />4. Location of Purchase:<br /><br />5. Product Number (located on the instruction sheet in upper right hand corner XX-0000):<br /><br />6. Letter or ID number (00000) of the part(s) and quantity of each:<br /><br />7. Full Name:<br /><br />8. Mailing Address:<br /><br />9. Phone Number:<br /><br />10. E-mail address:<br /><br />This is an auto response.<br /><br />Information provided to SportPet Designs, Inc. is confidential. It is not shared or sold to any other parties. "<br /><br />Translation: "Thanks for contacting us! We couldn't be bothered to read your actual correspondence, so if you'll please fill out this form, we'll be better able to fit a form letter to your needs."<br /><br />The next morning, though, I got another, more personal letter from Sport Pet:<br /><br />"Hello Paul, <br /><br />Thank you for your email. I'm sorry that you had such a negative experience when purchasing this item. I can tell you that since the photo was taken for the box of the item, we had a case in which a cat become entangled and injured with the longer string toy. Because we take the safety of people's pets very seriously, we promptly adjusted the design to make sure that it would not happen again. The photo has not been updated yet to reflect the new design.<br /><br />Thank you,<br />Kristen ***** ******<br /><br />Customer Service<br />Sport Pet Designs"<br /><br />...Wow. This is the first time in the history of the Angry Customer Letters that I've gotten anything resembling a thoughtful response. While I hate getting a product that was not as advertised, at least I get it.<br /><br />Of course, right when I thought things might be turning around for The Angry Customer, Target drops the following turd in my inbox:<br /><br />"Dear Paul,<br /><br />I'm sorry your recent trip to our Austin, Texas Target store didn't meet your expectations.<br /><br />We're always looking for ways to improve your shopping experience. Hearing about your purchase for your new kitten is important to us. I've documented your thoughts and comments, which will be shared with our Store Operations team for further review. It's just one way we can keep working to provide you with the experience you've come to expect at Target.<br /><br />If you ever have concerns during your visit, please visit the Guest Service Desk and ask to speak with the Guest Service Team Leader. They'll make every attempt to resolve the issue during your visit. <br /><br />We appreciate your feedback because it helps make Target even better.<br /><br />Sincerely,<br /><br />Beth<br />Target Guest Relations"<br /><br />I love that "Target cares" about my kitten. Everything else, though, is the trite pabulum I've come to expect from America's megamarts. Is there some company that all these retailers subcontract their customer feedback to?<br /><br /><center><br /><img src="http://india.wnso.org/main/wp-content/uploads/2009/03/map-of-india.gif" height="300" width="375"><br /><i><span style="font-size:85%";>Company, no. Country? Maybe.</i></span><br /></center><br /><br /><br /><b><i><span style="font-size:130%";>The Verdict</b></i></span><br /><br /><br /><b><span style="font-size:110%";>Severity of the Offense: <br />7/10 </b>(Target)<b><br />6/10 </b>(Kitty City)</span><br /><br />While the miniscule string length on the ball toy didn't much affect the overall quality of the product, false advertising is a cardinal sin in the eyes of The Angry Customer. Target, on the other hand, is lucky to skate by with a seven. First off, they do business with a crummy company. Then, they go over the top by selling repackaged items as new? Would you do that with a big-screen TV? No? Then don't do it with my cat house.<br /><br /><b><span style="font-size:110%";>Corporate Care Level: <br />2/10 </b>(Target)<b><br />9/10 </b>(Kitty City)</span><br /><br />Target's letter mentions my kitten as a way of saying "See, we really did read your letter before we fired off this mindless response!" Kitty City would have hit the 10 here if they hadn't led off with the auto-reply.<br /><br /><b><span style="font-size:110%";>Adequacy of Response: <br />0/10 </b>(Target)<b><br />8/10 </b>(Kitty City)</span><br /><br />While it's nice that Target replied at all (seems to be a rarity these days), I thought they would at least offer to take the item back if it wasn't in satisfactory condition. Kitty City, on the other hand, basically gets a pass here. I understand that in today's society everyone thinks they're Erin Brockovitch, and you have to CYA, but a picture change would be appreciated.<br /><br />Also, everyone loses an additional point because both responses were from female employees after I made a fantastic dick joke.<br /><br /><b><span style="font-size:130%";>Overall:</span> <br /><span style="font-size:110%";>3/10 </b>(Target)<b><br />9/10 </b>(Kitty City)</span><br /><br />It should be pretty obvious at this point what the take-away is here. The little company cares, the big one doesn't. Shocker.The Angry Customerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11578215304151815863noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2409788015488232565.post-87636980130488930482011-03-06T15:53:00.013-06:002011-03-13T16:17:47.335-05:00People Magazine<b><i><span style="font-size:130%";>Nature of the Offense</b></i></span><br /><br />The Fast Food Warrior kind of made his own bed with this one. He signed up for some magazine subscription for the free throw-ins, thinking he could cancel before the first bill without penalty. Anyone who has ever done this knows how shamefully stupid this is, but I'm getting off track here...we're here to make fun of the big corporations, not the little people they take advantage of! Off to the letter...<br /><br /><b><i><span style="font-size:130%";>The Letter</b></i></span><br /><br />To: PEOPLE Magazine<br />Subject: Matthew McConaughey assaults kitchen staff in Austin restaurant!<br /><br /><center><br /><a href="http://s1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/?action=view&current=kitchen_assault.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/kitchen_assault.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket" height="300" width="400"></a><br /><i><span style="font-size:85%";>No less believable than anything else in </i>People.</span><br /></center><br /><br />Dear Editors of People,<br /><br />Now that I hopefully have your attention from my subject line, STOP SENDING ME EMAILS!<br /><br />I have tried several times to unsubscribe from your email list and your subscription folks don't seem to be getting the message. If I recall correctly, the only reason I signed up was to get a $10 coupon to Papa John's Pizza, and then I immediately canceled the trial subscription to your magazine. The pizza was good; the emails are annoying.<br /><br />It shouldn't take three or more attempts to unsubscribe from an email list. The last time it tried, I informed them that any future communications will be reported to my ISP as SPAM. And I intend to do so. I hear there's lots of money to be made in suing companies for email spam SPAM. It's interesting that a search of your website for "Report Spam" comes up with the result "Try again."<br /><br />My hope is that as editors of a magazine that thrives on exploiting the flawed lives of celebrities, you would understand that this is best taken care of quietly. So, please locate your subscription department, or marketing, or whoever is responsible for these harassing emails, slap them upside the head and make sure they never send me one again. Your best response will be no response. A "We're sorry, problem fixed," email or a large check are also acceptable. Then leave me alone and never contact me again. Do not send me free magazines or offer discounted subscriptions, for they aren't even suitable for toilet paper. <br /><br /><b><i><span style="font-size:130%";>The Response</b></i></span><br /><br />"Thank you for contacting PEOPLE Customer Service.<br /><br />We have removed your email information from our promotional listings.<br /><br />If your information was already on our files, you may have been selected for a recent promotion. Please allow ten business days for this to become effective. After that, you will not receive future promotions.<br />If you are just providing us with your contact information, you will not be added to the promotional listings.<br /><br />Sincerely,<br /><br />Cynthia H"<br /><br /><b><i><span style="font-size:130%";>The Verdict</b></i></span><br /><br />This is a new section we're trying out. We've seen plenty of corporate negligence and arrogance thus far, with various levels of response to complaints. Here, we will rate various aspects of the consumer-business exchange, assigning ratings in each category from 1-10 with 1 being the lowest. Businesses will want to get as many "10s" as possible, except in the "severity of offense" category, where 10 is the worst.<br /><br /><b><span style="font-size:110%";>Severity of the Offense: 5/10</b></span><br />Completely unsolicited, this type of spam would rank closer to a 10, but again, FFW filled out the form. He'd have been better off ordering actual Spam on his Papa John's pizza.<br /><br /><center><br /><a href="http://s1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/?action=view&current=spampizza.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/spampizza.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket" height="250" width="400"></a><br /><span style="font-size=85%";><i>Yum!</i></span><br /></center><br /><br /><b><span style="font-size:110%";>Corporate Care Level: 3/10</b></span><br />They obviously didn't read too carefully, or they wouldn't have sent their moronic form letter. To be fair, have you seen People magazine? They clearly don't expect their subscribers to do any reading, either.<br /><br /><b><span style="font-size:110%";>Adequacy of Response: 6/10</b></span><br />Ideally, a letter like this would cause them to stop this kind of marketing altogether. That big check would be nice, too. As it stands, the cessation of spamming a single non-customer gets them just north of the equator.<br /><br /><b><span style="font-size:130%";>Overall: 3/10</b></span><br />Usually, Angry Customer letters are reserved for companies that I would at least have wanted to do business with in the past. The fact that we have to burn one on People, a second-rate gossip rag (seriously, Cosmo is like, soooo better...) means they've really screwed the pooch.The Angry Customerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11578215304151815863noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2409788015488232565.post-17172715236071732042011-01-06T13:51:00.013-06:002011-01-10T10:47:14.705-06:00Netflix<span style="font-size:130%";><b><i>Nature of the Offense</b></i></span><br /><br />Unlike a lot of the companies on this site, I actually like Netflix. A lot. But I hate getting frivolous price gouges with no accompanying value increase, like the one-dollar monthly hike Netflix just imposed.<br /><br />Netflix doesn't have a publicly accessible email address, so I just ran down the address of their CEO and fired off the following complaint.<br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%";><b><i>The Letter</b></i></span><br /><br />Dear Mr. Hastings,<br /><br />I would like to express my immense disappointment in Netflix's decision to raise membership prices for its consumers. I realize instant streaming has become the new rage, and you have to keep up with server demands, but as of this moment, your service has added no additional value to merit the rate hike. Allow me to spell out the problems with your new pricing model.<br /><br />The current "new arrivals" to the Watch Instantly menu include <i>Sorority Wars</i>, <i>The Planet's Funniest Animals (Season 9)</i>, <i>The Hot Chick</i>, <i>Maid in Manhattan</i>, and <i>Repo! The Genetic Opera</i>. <i>Citizen Kane</i> is nowhere to be found. Neither is <i>Vertigo</i>, <i>The Sound of Music</i>, <i>Gone With the Wind</i>, or <i>Anal Babes 9</i>. <br /><br /><center><br /><a href="http://s1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/?action=view&current=badtheater.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/badtheater.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket" height="250" width="400"></a><br /><span style="font-size:85%";><i>"Netflix: bringing the authentic cinema experience straight to your living room!"</i></span><br /></center><br /><br />Sure, I can get unlimited instant streaming for cheap, but I'd better be content to watch the latest Rob Schneider masterpiece. It's like being able to take whatever I want out of the DVD bargain bin at Wal-Mart. This is after being a paying customer for 5 years without being able to watch instantly on:<br /><br />1. a TV<br />2. a Mac<br />3. a web browser other than Internet Explorer<br />4. a wireless router more than 3 months old<br />5. the toilet.<br /><br />That last one might not be your fault, but I still can't get Netflix on my cell phone unless it's an iPhone. My point is that after it took so long to finally get any use whatsoever out of your Watch Instantly service, I should be getting a discount to make up for lost time, not a price gouge.<br /><br />I do understand that as more customers use your streaming service you have to upgrade your servers, but there are other companies in your position who aren't sticking it to their customers in the middle of the worst economic downturn in 80 years. Take Nintendo, for example. I can play unlimited Goldeneye online, and for free. Sure, Rob Schneider might very well pop up there too, but in that case a) I can't see him, b) there's no voice chat, so I can't hear him, and c) I can blow his friggin' brains out. Maybe Nintendo doesn't have to pay content providers like you do, but hey, nobody ever said Netflix isn't allowed to use The Pirate Bay.<br /><br /><center><br /><a href="http://s1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/?action=view&current=007schneider.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/007schneider.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket" height="300" width="400"></a><br /><span style="font-size:85%";><i>"Up yours, Schneider!"</i></span><br /></center><br /><br />I would strongly urge you to either reconsider your subscription fee increase, or at least give us something worth watching. Otherwise, I'm coming over there and making you sit through <i>The Human Centipede: First Sequence</i> with me. <br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%";><b><i>The Response</b></i></span><br /><br />As of this posting, the highlights of the New Releases in Netflix's online selection were:<br /><br /><center><br /><a href="http://s1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/?action=view&current=wwwest.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/wwwest.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a><a href="http://s1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/?action=view&current=kangaroojack.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/kangaroojack.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a><a href="http://s1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/?action=view&current=halo.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/halo.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a><a href="http://s1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/?action=view&current=deathfuneral.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/deathfuneral.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a><br /></center><br /><br />So yeah, looks like that letter did a lot of good! <br /><br />In all seriousness, though, I noticed just the other day that my rate had actually been "grandfathered in," and I wasn't paying the upcharge, which wasn't part of the original plan. Maybe the letter did some good, for once.The Angry Customerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11578215304151815863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2409788015488232565.post-53367578076251196842011-01-06T13:01:00.009-06:002011-01-06T13:54:18.453-06:00Guest Author Letter: Time Warner #2<span style="font-size:130%";><b><i>Nature of the Offense</b></i></span><br /><br />Even if you have never been to this site, you probably already know <a href="http://angrycustomerletters.blogspot.com/2010/11/guest-author-quickie-time-warner-cable.html">Time Warner Cable sucks.</a> Their broken give-a-shit has driven our frequent contributor, the Fast Food Warrior, completely up the wall, and the following letter conveys pure exasperation as well as anything you'll ever see.<br /><br />For context, FFW has canceled his services with TWC, only to receive a bill the next month anyway. To be fair, it's true that he's still getting the same quality of service as before he canceled...<br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%";><b><i>The Letter</b></i></span><br /><br />Congratulations TWC, you have managed to still incite my rage even after I ended our<br />relationship. Today I received notification of a bill covering the service period beginning November 25, 2010, that would be automatically charged to my credit card. This would normally not be so surprising except for the fact that I terminated my service on November 1. I recognize, as your online chat agent (P*** S*****) repeatedly pointed out, that you bill one month in advance. (editor's note: <a href="http://www.textdump.com/v/?k=ODg1Mg==">see the full chat transcript here</a>) However, I am not accustomed to being billed for future service by companies that I am not a customer of. I tried to turn off the recurring payment feature so that my credit card could not be automatically charged, but was unable to do so. Your chat agent attempted to walk me through the steps that I had just followed on my own, but told me that he lacks the power to do anything. Why do you even offer online chat about billing issues if your agents are effectively neutered. This makes about as much sense as buying an B-cup bra for Pamela Anderson.<br /><br /><center><br /><a href="http://s1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/?action=view&current=pambcup.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/pambcup.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket" height="300" width="400"></a><br /><span style="font-size:85%";><i>This is the second time FFW has used a simile that I refuse to find a picture for.</i></span><br /></center><br /><br />More troubling was the fact that there was no credit on this latest billing statement for services paid for in the post-cancellation period on last month's bill (11/1 to 11/24). This was contrary to a statement made by your online chat agent, who assured me that such a credit should appear on the next bill following cancellation. Your agent also assured me that I could "ignore" the latest bill.<br /><br />Given your company's stellar record of integrity and quality customer service, I should have no reason to not trust his statements, right? Wrong. TWC does not keep to its own standards of performance, consistently fails its customers and even makes life difficult for those who are no longer customers.<br /><br />You are hereby on notice that if I see a single cent charged to my credit card in the future from TWC, or fail to see a full credit for unused service within one month, I will not hesitate to open a disputed charge inquiry with American Express. You certainly don't want to mess with them.<br /><br />Thank you for wasting an hour of my day. <br /><br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%";><b><i>The Response</b></i></span><br /><br />We'll just skip the start of the form letter here and skip to the relevant bit...<br /><br />"I have checked your account and would like to inform you that the service call for the disconncetion (<i>sic</i>) of the service is scheduled on 11/18/2010. Please be rest assured, your services will be disconnceted (<i>sic</i>), and once the services are disconnceted (<i>sic</i>) and the equipments are returned, your account will be credited and if there is any credit balance left on the account. You will receive that<br />credit as refund check at your mailing address.<br /><br />Also, I have escalated your issue to the relevant department. Our escalation team will contact you at XXXX@XXXX.com in the next 24-48 business hours. We appreciate your patience. For your reference the ticket number is "<br /><br />...aaand it cuts off there. TWC's idiot representative couldn't even be bothered to fill in the ticket number on the form letter. Also, what does it mean to "disconncet" your cable? FFW called the 800 number to find out, and got an email shortly after, explaining:<br /><br />"I request you to provide us some time to resolve your issue, as your issue has been escalated to the relevant. Please be rest assured your issue will be resolved as soon as possible."<br /><br />FFW and I wondered together what "the relevant" was. My conclusion is that his complaint was finally placed in the "relevant" inbox, rather than the "trash immediately" pile that most customer letters go into. Perhaps I should take some insight from this regarding my own letters... <br /><center><br /><a href="http://s1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/?action=view&current=twccan.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/twccan.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket" height="300" width="400"></a><br /></center><br /><br />After some more back-and-forth with the TWC staff, FFW finally received the following notice:<br /><br />"I understand your issue has been fixed and would like to be contacted only if you have been given free cable and internet service for lifetime.... We will be sure to share the poor experience you encountered with our entire team so that everyone re-focuses on the importance of providing quality customer service.... Please be rest assured your issue will be resolved as soon as possible. "<br /><br />FFW's reaction: "I only hope they didn't confuse a lifetime supply with the Lifetime family of shitty cable channels. "The Angry Customerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11578215304151815863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2409788015488232565.post-82916207620868828672010-11-10T10:28:00.013-06:002010-11-10T12:19:46.097-06:00Dell Computers #2<span style="font-size:130%;"><b><i>Nature of the Offense</b></i></span><br /><br />After <a href="http://angrycustomerletters.blogspot.com/2010/07/dell-computers.html">my last correspondence with Dell</a>, I finally received a new laptop, which seemed to be working fine. That is, until it failed to connect to the internet. Considering I had about seven other devices running off my wireless router, I was pretty sure the computer was at fault. Swallowing hard, I called Dell technical support, and had the following exchange:<br /><br /><b>First guy:</b> says he's a hardware guy and I have a software problem. Transfers me to software people<br /><br /><b>Second lady:</b> says I never purchased a "software license," whatever that is. Tells me it will cost me $215 dollars to buy one, without which she cannot even look at my problem.<br /><br /><b>Me:</b> hangs up.<br /><br />Really? $215 on a $500 computer? And then 2 hours later, I discover that all I had to do was hit "reset" on my firewall, and all was well.<br /><br />Screw these people. I sent the following letter, not to get anything out of them, but just to release all the hate they had inspired in me.<br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><b><i>The Letter</b></i></span><br /><br />Dear Dell,<br /><br />Allow me to take you on a journey of the imagination. Imagine you go to your nearest Ford dealership and buy a brand new Explorer. Just so we're dealing with round numbers, let's say you pay $30,000 for it.<br /><br />Now suppose a month later, you go to start up your new Explorer and the engine won't turn over. No problem, you think, it's still under warranty, and you call Ford to arrange a repair.<br /><br />Ford's 800 number routes you to a mechanic in Belgium, which is strange, you think, since the factory that makes Explorers is just down the road from you, but whatever. You spend 10 minutes telling this Belgian mechanic what's wrong with your vehicle, at which point he tells you that it sounds like there's a problem with your engine, and he only works on leather interiors. No problem, though, he'll just forward your call to the engine department!<br /><br />15 minutes later, another Belgian mechanic picks up the phone, and you regurgitate your whole story again. According to this mechanic, you have most likely done something to fatally injure your transmission. Unfortunately for you, the body of your Explorer is under warranty, but you didn't purchase a special transmission contract (which wasn't offered). At this point, your only option is to purchase this contract, at a price of $13,000, and then the Belgian mechanic still won't fix your vehicle, but she will tell you how to do it yourself. Maybe.<br /><br />Now let's suppose you aren't the shit-chucking idiot this mechanic thinks you are, and you hang up the phone. You don't know much about cars, but for $13K, you'll see if you can't fix the problem yourself. A little while later you find a loose fuse, plug it back in, and your car starts up just fine. Ford was going to charge you nearly 50 percent of your vehicle's purchase price to help you replace your own fuse.<br /><br /><center><table><tbody><td><a href="http://s1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/?action=view¤t=fuse.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/fuse.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket" height="200" width="200"></a></td><br /><td><a href="http://s1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/?action=view¤t=carfire.png" target="_blank"><img src="http://i1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/carfire.png" border="0" alt="Photobucket" height="200" width="200"></a></td><br /></tbody><br /></table><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><i>Left: The Problem. <br />Right: What Dell thinks the problem is.</i></span><br /></center><br /><br />Does this sound like competence to you? Or conscientious business practice? Or basic human decency? If not, you should seriously reconsider your sales model, because the above story is not fantasyland, it's directly analogous to your company's policy. Two nights ago, your representative tried to charge me $215 to fix my "corrupted software," when really it was just my firewall acting up. This coming barely a month after it took upwards of 60 days to convince you to honor my warranty on a defective laptop.<br /><br />Dell, there was a time when your company was like the computer equivalent of a Taylor Swift song. Sure, you might not have had the most impressive set of "features," and your hardware wasn't decked out in the same <a href="http://www.cafepress.com/+rainbow_apple_decal_sticker,358667442">name-brand logos</a> that <a href="http://angrycustomerletters.blogspot.com/2010/06/bicycle-riders.html">douchebags</a> put on bumper stickers, but you were reliable, and didn't complain about going to Olive Garden on prom night.<br /><br />Now? You're more like a common highway hooker. Yeah, maybe you look OK in the dark, and you're certainly cheaper than a girlfriend, but the buyer is certain to regret the transaction within a month. The only difference is I can probably get her pimp on the phone in less than 15 minutes, with no robots required.<br /><br /><center><br /><a href="http://s1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/?action=view¤t=leopardlaptop.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/leopardlaptop.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><i>Introducing Dell's new "Hooker Series." Now with 2 GHz of RAM and at least 3 STDs!</i></span><br /></center><br /><br />So thanks for nothing, Dell. Next time I have a problem with one of your products, I won't bother to call. I'll save myself some time and smack myself in the face with a brick. It'll have the same result. <br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><b><i>The Response</b></i></span><br /><br />"Hi Gene<br /><br />Thank you for contacting Dell Online Customer Care.<br /><br />I see that you are not satisfied with the level of service you have received from the Dell support. I sincerely apologize for any inconvenience caused to you. I am concerned to read in your e-mail that the company provided you with anything less than the most courteous and professional service. This is not the way we train our people to conduct business services. It is something that we are constantly focusing at, as a daily business practice for improvement. By bringing this to our attention, you have provided us with crucial data in our ever-vigilant efforts to raise the standards of individuals, upon whom we rely to give excellent service to our customers. Your feedback will continue to be seriously considered in our ongoing endeavors to improve services.<br /><br />Please be advised that we are unable to pull any information with the order number 123456789 provided by you therefore I would request you to check the number and reply to this email.<br /><br />Also, please provide the complete name as it appears on the account with us.<br /><br />Sincerely,<br /><br />Vikram **** *****<br />Rep ID *******<br />Dell Online Customer Care"<br /><br />See, this is both why I have to write these letters, and why they almost never do any good. These people don't <i>get</i> it. I wasn't complaining about the professionalism of their staff, I was complaining about the policies of the company itself! I don't want to get too far off the comedic path here, but these people flat-out suck. I wouldn't buy so much as a single wafer of silicon from them.The Angry Customerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11578215304151815863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2409788015488232565.post-85630591609648730442010-11-10T09:41:00.006-06:002010-11-10T10:16:51.770-06:00Guest Author Quickie: Time Warner Cable<span style="font-size:130%;"><b><i>Nature of the Offense</b></i></span><br /><br />I expect most of my readers don't need the whole back-story here; Time Warner Cable is a healthy dose of pure evil, and in most places it isn't held in check by a lovely little thing called competition. This potent cocktail typically ferments into a nice frothy cup of "Eff You" for the consumer, which today's guest author, previously known as the Fast Food Warrior, finally got enough of.<br /><br />FFW originally sent Time Warner a letter to the effect of "you have utterly disregarded your commitment to the customer, leaving me out of service for a week, give me a refund or I walk."<br /><br /><center><br /><a href="http://s1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/?action=view¤t=ginobilitwc.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/ginobilitwc.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><i>"Sure coach, I can be at the game! I'll be there sometime between noon and 4 PM. Oh, the game is at 8? Yeaaahh...no, that won't work."</i></span><br /></center><br /><br />TWC responded with the following letter:<br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><b><i>The Response/Offense</b></i></span><br /><br />"In response to your email, I do apologize for the delayed response and the issues with your account. I did review your account today and did see that you were assisted with your account. Again I do apologize for the inconvenience this has caused. We sincerely appreciate your business and thank you for choosing us as your cable provider. If you have any other questions please let me know. Thank you for the customer service inquiry. <br /><br /><br />Margaret *******<br /><br />Customer Relations Department<br />Time Warner Cable - Central Texas Division"<br /><br />They really expect this to work. Do you people let this shit fly? FFW didn't. Below is the last letter he'll ever write to Time Warner.<br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><b><i>The Letter</b></i></span><br /><br />Ms. *******,<br /><br />I think you are misreading the situation. I do not feel appreciated and I am no longer choosing Time Warner Cable as my cable or internet provider. TWC no longer holds a monopoly on non-satellite cable TV service in my neighborhood and your new competition has made a generous offer for my business. Once AT&T has installed their service, it is my intent to cancel service with TWC as a result of this incident and the failure of TWC personnel to follow up in a timely manner. <br /><br />The original non-automated response to the email you are quoting below, written by a Ms. Vivian ******, stated that the case was being escalated and that I could expect a response within 48 hours. This was dated October 5, 2010. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that two weeks a quite a bit longer than 48 hours. A professor of mine once said that rocket science "isn't very hard either." We're dealing with a simple math here: an inequality between TWC's professed standards (S) and TWC's actual performance (P). In my recent experience in dealing with your company via chat, email, phone and in person, S >> P. <br /><br /><center><br /><a href="http://s1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/?action=view¤t=tipping-rocket-large1.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/tipping-rocket-large1.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket" height="300" width="400"></a><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><i>TWC's latest telecom satellite launched into orbit.</i></span><br /></center><br /><br />In case you are more the literary type, let me phrase it another way. If there was ever a bridge between us, I feel as if one TWC employee after another has set it alight with flames of indifference and spilled crude oil into the stream below so that its waters can not stop the bridge from burning.<br /><br />I do have some good news though. TWC has earned a spot in my mind alongside such fine corporations as:<br /><br /><a href="http://angrycustomerletters.blogspot.com/2010/06/wendys.html">Wendy's</a><br /><a href="http://angrycustomerletters.blogspot.com/2010/07/guest-letter-1-mcdonalds.html">McDonald's</a><br /><a href="http://angrycustomerletters.blogspot.com/2010/07/dell-computers.html">Dell Computers</a><br />and<br /><a href="http://angrycustomerletters.blogspot.com/2010/09/new-belgium-brewery.html">New Belgium Brewery</a>The Angry Customerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11578215304151815863noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2409788015488232565.post-27328982702299729812010-10-12T20:22:00.010-05:002010-10-12T20:54:12.530-05:00The University of North Carolina<span style="font-size:103%";><b><i>Nature of the Offense</b></i></span><br /><br />So I'm having lunch, minding my own business the other day, when I get the following email from the University of North Carolina, which I haven't attended in 3 years:<br /><br />"Hello Scott and Paul,<br /><br />Since you are new Evacuation Monitors for Wilson library, please sign up for one of the training sessions listed below.<br /><br />Thanks,<br /><br />Eileen"<br /><br />Um, what? First off, what is an "Evacuation Monitor?" It sounds like I have to watch people go to the bathroom. Second, how did I get this job? Rather than ask either of these questions, I decided to blindly accept the job and decide for myself what it consists of. The following letter is my response to this email.<br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%";><b><i>The (first) Letter</b></i></span><br /><br />Hi Eileen,<br /><br />I am honored to be chosen as the new Evacuation Monitor for Wilson library. Thank you for sending me the information on the training sessions. I have booked a flight from Austin (where I am currently living) to attend. Below is my itinerary, feel free to just send me an account number for the airfare, as American has assured me they can transfer the charges for me--one of the perks of being a first-class customer, I suppose.<br /><br /><center><br /><a href="http://s1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/?action=view¤t=itinerary.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/itinerary.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket" height="200" width="500"></a><br /></center><br /><br />While I am delighted to have an excuse to travel back to Chapel Hill for a few days, I'm sure you realize that such travel is highly impractical for my day-to-day duties as Evacuation Monitor. I'm thinking that the most effective solution, as you have probably already realized, is to outfit both my office in Austin and the librarian's office in Wilson with some new telecon equipment. In the event of an emergency, I would need essentially "red-phone" access to the librarian on videoconference, so that we could quickly coordinate the evacuation. I spoke briefly with my IT guy, and he thinks the whole setup could be completed for less than ten thousand dollars (plus monthly service charges, of course). Do you have a fax number where I could send some spec sheets?<br /><br /><center><br /><a href="http://s1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/?action=view¤t=war-room.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/war-room.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a><br /><span style="font-size:85%";><i>"That oughta do it."</i></span><br /></center><br /><br />Finally, I think that it would be most prudent for me to be provided with a firearm. I know that in the event of an evacuation situation I am most likely to be out of the state, but if a sophisticated terrorist cell were to acquire that information--and I don't see any reason why they couldn't--they could carry out a coordinated attack in which I were simultaneously compromised in order to hinder the evacuation process. In such a situation, I would need to quickly eliminate any hostile parties on my end so as to expedite the extraction of students at Wilson. Now, I already have the requisite training, but my lawyer informs the that if the school provides the actual firearm I am significantly less liable should any civilians be injured or killed in a firefight.<br /><br />Again, I am very much looking forward to working with you! I'll send a fax along shortly.<br /><br />Best,<br />Paul<br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%";><b><i>The Response</b></i></span><br /><br />"Paul,<br /><br />Apparently you are the wrong Paul *********. Please disregard my email.<br /><br /> <br /><br />Eileen *****<br /><br />Business Services Coordinator<br /><br />UNC Chapel Hill - Wilson Library"<br /><br />I love people telling me I'm the "wrong" me. I couldn't stop with this...<br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%";><b><i>The (second) Letter</b></i></span><br /><br />Eileen,<br /><br />If I just disregard every email asking me to help defend America and its precious institutions of higher learning from violent terrorists, then what kind of patriot am I? <br /><br />Look, maybe I was the wrong Paul ********* for your address book, but I am the right Paul ********* for the job. After being on UNC's campus during the "<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mohammed_Reza_Taheri-azar_SUV_attack">Pit Driver</a>" attack, and on the University of Texas's campus for both <a href="http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-504083_162-20017865-504083.html">last month's library shooting</a> and Barack Obama's recent appearance, I have experienced, by my count, three separate attacks of domestic terrorism first-hand. Being a good Texan, I have undergone training for all munitions up to and including rocket-propelled grenades, and am more than willing to put my own safety on the line to protect UNC, its students and staff.<br /><br /><center><br /><a href="http://s1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/?action=view¤t=Anti_air_craft_Rocket_Launcher_2K12_Kub.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/Anti_air_craft_Rocket_Launcher_2K12_Kub.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket" height="400" width="450"></a><br /><span style="font-size:85%";><i>Legal in Texas, but there's an additional charge on your vehicle registration.</i></span><br /></center><br /><br />I have copied the "other" Paul ********* on this message. I am sure he will agree with me that I should take over this job. That said, Paul, I see you are a Digitization Support Technician. Would you be able to help set up some of the telecon equipment described below? I've heard bad things about Geek Squad.<br /><br />Sincerely,<br />Paul<br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%";><b><i>The Response</b></i></span><br /><br />Eileen must be a terrorist sympathizer, because I haven't heard back from her again. Bad news for me...I booked a non-refundable flight!The Angry Customerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11578215304151815863noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2409788015488232565.post-38743940170892575442010-09-30T21:04:00.013-05:002010-10-03T11:01:41.495-05:00New Belgium Brewery<span style="font-size:130%";><b><i>Nature of the Offense</b></i></span><br /><br />So I'm walking to a party with some friends, carrying lots of beers because, well, it was that kind of night. We're at a busy intersection about halfway there when...<br /><br /><center><br /><a href="http://s1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/?action=view¤t=beer3.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/beer3.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket" height="450" width="300"></a><br /></center><br /><br />As you can see, we didn't tear or otherwise mistreat the packaging of this batch of beer, it was the glue that quit on us. I need to be able to trust my six-packs, so I sent the following letter to New Belgium Brewery.<br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%";><b><i>The Letter</b></i></span><br /><br />Dear New Belgium,<br /><br />Let me begin by saying that I enjoy your beers. It is obvious that you put real effort into your product, and you want the customer to be satisfied. However, there appears to be one weak link in the chain connecting your beer from the brewing vats and your customers' livers, and that is the packaging. Some friends and I were recently carrying a six-pack of New Belgium beers to a party when the pack suddenly expelled its contents onto the sidewalk below, sending all the beer inside into a nearby storm drain and peppering us with glass shrapnel. Since I know you are probably too smart to open attachments, I have placed photos of the resulting carnage at the following links:<br /><br /><center><br /><a href="http://s1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/?action=view¤t=beer1.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/beer1.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket" height="400" width="300"></a><br /><br /><a href="http://s1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/?action=view¤t=beer2.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/beer2.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket" height="400" width="300"></a><br /></center><br /><br />Upon further inspection, we noticed that the cardboard itself was not damaged, but it was the glue that had simply given out. I should mention that other six-packs of inferior beer such as Dos Equis and Lone Star that we had brought along survived the trip just fine--evidently, you have elected to package your beer with kindergarten-grade glue, and the end result isn't pretty.<br /><br />The worst part of the whole experience was that as we tried to hold a moment of silence for the recently departed beer, we were verbally assaulted by an angry enviro-nazi riding by on her bike and complaining about the wreckage. I mean, really, imagine yourself in my position: you're standing in the middle of a busy intersection ankle-deep in spilled beer, your legs bleeding from the flying glass, watching your ice-cold brews run down the drain, and here's some hairy Weezer fan chewing your ear off like you just asked her to put on some deodorant. Normally you'd just lob a spare Lone Star at her, but again, you've just lost all your good beer, and your blood isn't going to just magically increase its own alcohol content. So there she is, holding up the shortest green light in town, and now all the cars are honking at you too because you can't get this tree-humper to get out of the way, and her BO is starting to mix with the smell of beer-soaked dirt and the combination makes your eyes water. The end result is you're standing in the street while a line of honking cars watches you cry because you're getting chewed out by some philosophy major who wears boxer shorts and gets stoned to Michael Moore movies. Is there any more impotent feeling in the world?<br /><br />Again, beers that cost half as much as yours didn't cause this predicament. Yours did. I hope you will take action to rectify this situation and prevent it from occurring in the future.<br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%";><b><i>The Response</b></i></span><br /><br />Apparently, part of being a small craft brewery is you don't have a form letter prepared to shoot off to irate emailers. Screw 'em. Their beer is mediocre at best, with their tastiest option (Ranger IPA) being thoroughly owned by alternatives such as Long Hammer and Hop Czar.<center><table><tbody><br /><td><a href="http://s1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/?action=view¤t=bridgeport-hop-czar.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/bridgeport-hop-czar.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket" height="200" width="200"></a></td><br /><td><a href="http://s1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/?action=view¤t=colonel-sanders_kfc.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/colonel-sanders_kfc.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket" height="200" width="200"></a></td><br /></tbody><br /></table><br /><span style="font-size=85%";><i>Matching baller mustaches. Coincidence? What do you think?</i></span><br /></center>The Angry Customerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11578215304151815863noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2409788015488232565.post-21707963774368488552010-09-17T17:53:00.013-05:002010-09-20T14:42:16.287-05:00Pluckers Chicken<span style="font-size:130%";><b><i>Nature of the Offense</b></i></span><br /><br />If you've ever been to a college town, you're familiar with these cookie-cutter wing joints that almost universally suck, so there's nothing really new about Pluckers. However, the other day a friend emails me saying "hey, you know Pluckers has weekly Beer Pong tournaments? Wanna play?"<br /><br />Now, I'm actually a big fan of beer pong, and considered giving it a shot. That is, until I went to their website and saw this:<br /><br /><center><br /><a href="http://s1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/?action=view¤t=wpong1.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/wpong1.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket" height="300" width="400"></a><br /><br /><a href="http://s1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/?action=view¤t=wpong2.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/wpong2.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket" width="400"></a><br /></center><br /><br />As any self-respecting Beer Pong player already knows, playing without beer is beyond unacceptable. I had to let Pluckers know this in no uncertain terms.<br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%";><b><i>The Letter</b></i></span><br /><br />Dear Pluckers,<br /><br />I am writing in response to your idiotic decision to advertise weekly "Beer Pong" tournaments, which you play with cups of water. This false advertising is a grievous offense to beer, beer pong, and chicken joints in general. Have any of you ever actually played beer pong, or is it just one of those things you heard those wacky college kids do?<br /><br />In the words of the late, great Colonel Sanders, "I'm too drunk to taste this chicken." Granted, The Colonel had more knowledge of beer and chicken in his right nut than you guys do, and he left that one on some battlefield in Germany, but whatever. <br /><br /><center><br /><a href="http://s1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/?action=view¤t=rad-omen.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/rad-omen.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket" height="300" width="400"></a><br /><span style="font-size:85%";><i>If Ronald McDonald could drink like The Colonel, maybe we wouldn't have had <a href="http://angrycustomerletters.blogspot.com/2010/07/guest-letter-1-mcdonalds.html">so much trouble with McDonald's.</a></i></span><br /></center><br /><br />My point is that beer pong is meant to be played drunk, and that anyone who doesn't agree might as well be playing Candyland. Don't believe me? Ask Ron Hamilton of Smashing Time, winners of the ABPAA World Series of Beer Pong. Upon winning the tournament, Hamilton claimed that "<a href="http://sports.espn.go.com/espnmag/story?id=3831916">The key today was me getting really drunk.</a>" He chugged a bottle of Jack Daniels before the final. Think that guy would be caught dead in your Water Pong tournament?<br /><br />The short answer is no. The long answer is FUCK no. Why? Because he knows that, like most beer pong purists, he'd probably get knocked out in the second round by a couple of Young Lifers who would then use their gift certificate prize to feed some of your chicken to homeless people or something. <a href="http://angrycustomerletters.blogspot.com/2010/08/local-crackheads.html">I can't stand homeless people</a>; they smell bad and leave beer cans all over my neighborhood.<br /><br />I see right through this whole charade. It's just one more of your tiresome stunts to get stupid college students into your awful restaurant, just like cramming your flyers into my fence and car windshield. You know how many KFC flyers I've found in my windshield? Exactly eleven fewer than the number of secret herbs and spices in Original Recipe. Maybe if you spent less time printing flyers and more time making your chicken suck less, I would visit your restaurant. Until then, try Coors Light. Even the Young Lifers won't be able to distinguish it from water, and you won't be completely lying to us. <br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%";><b><i>The Response</b></i></span><br /><br />Nothing yet. Maybe I shouldn't expect much from a company whose slogan is "If you don't like our wings, we'll give you the bird."The Angry Customerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11578215304151815863noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2409788015488232565.post-80469439787389383652010-08-31T20:02:00.008-05:002014-05-09T14:38:17.571-05:00The Local Crackheads<span style="font-size:130%;"><b><i>Nature Of The Offense</b></i></span><br /><br />I don't know why, maybe it's the bad shape of the economy, maybe it's residual depression that the last season of <i>Lost</i> was so stupid Sarah Palin was willing to call it retarded, or maybe it's just bad luck, but a flood of crackheads and other delinquents have taken up "residence" in my neighborhood over the last two or three months. It sucks, because I'm constantly being harassed for money, there's graffiti everywhere, and some wacko slashed two of my tires. <br /><br /><center><br /><a href="http://s1018.photobucket.com/user/bigsaxquatch/media/chase.jpg.html" target="_blank"><img src="http://i1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/chase.jpg" border="0" height="275" width="400" alt=" photo chase.jpg"/></a><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><i>Purple tags. Baller status, son.</i></span><br /></center><br /><br />Once again using Craigslist to vent my frustration to the general populace, I titled this letter "3 Tips For Becoming A Better Crackhead."<br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><b><i>The Letter</b></i></span><br /><br />Dear crackheads, drunks, bums, and other assorted assholes,<br /><br />For reasons which are unclear to me, many of you have recently set up shop in my neighborhood. As much as your presence inconveniences me, it also confuses me, as I am amazed at how bad you are at what you do. I have had a few weeks to observe you all now, and I have a few ideas which might prove to be useful to you.<br /><br />1. Whistling at my wife will not encourage me to give you drug money.<br /><br />2. Graffiti better. Start with nicknames. If all the sidewalks and fences in the neighborhood were tagged with "D-Train" or "Madd Stylez," I might be able to take you seriously as a criminal. On the other hand, if you just use your real name, and your real name is Chase, I'm just going to assume you are the biggest douchebag within a hundred miles of me. Also, lavender is a lovely color, it really is. It just doesn't exactly scream "hardcore" when you use it to write your name on a stop sign. <br /><br /><center><br /><a href="http://s1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/?action=view¤t=goldsnort.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/goldsnort.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a><br /><span style="font-size=85%;"><i>Gold spray paint, on the other hand, apparently does.</i></span><br /></center><br /><br />I mean, have you thought this through? How are things going to go for you on your first day in juvie?<br /><br />"Yo man, what's your name? What you in for?"<br /><br />"I'm Chase. I got sent up for graffiti."<br /><br />"Oh yeah, Chase! I saw your purple shit all over the place when I was running from the cops after my double homicide. This is great, I was just wondering who my new bitch was gonna be! Nice to meet you Chase, see you at shower time."<br /><br />3. Steal something. Don't get me wrong, your slashing my tires has cost me plenty of money, and your conversion of the bus stop down the street into your own personal toilet/shoot-up spot has no doubt done wonders for the real estate values around here, but I don't see how either of those things has helped your own economic situation. Why not rob someone? There are pawn shops right across the train tracks, and you could totally buy some crack if you sell your loot. Plus, if you break into my house to steal stuff, I can shoot you, which would be awesome.<br /><br />Hopefully, some of these tips will prove to be useful for you. If not...well, you never were very good at taking advice, were you? You know, with the whole "becoming a crackhead against better advice" thing.<br /><br />Sincerely,<br />Your New Neighbor <br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><b><i>The Response</b></i></span><br /><br />The following response is equal parts sympathetic, thoughtful advice and unapologetic racism. I'll warn you that the language may be a little saltier than is typical of this website.<br /><br />"Wow, that really sucks. We used to have a similar problem but when the Katrinites arrived it exploded into a full-on turf war. Our local Walmart and H.E.B. suffered record losses to shoplifting. Then we were noticing used needles and condoms all over the place. Then followed the graffiti. The place turned into a cesspool. I walk my neighborhood frequently and found myself calling the police on a daily basis. <br /><br /><center><br /><a href="http://s1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/?action=view¤t=knitting.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/knitting.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket" height="300" width="400"></a><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><i>"Well, now I see where the needles are coming from. Now if I could just figure out the condoms..."</i></span><br /></center><br /><br />It got to the point where I was on a first name basis with my local police. They worked tirelessly to clean our neighborhood up. Then I called channel 12 who came out and did a story on the subject. Well, now most of those skanks are gone from the area and with the help of the police we no longer see the nasty, dirty hookers, their filthy pimps, no more needles or condoms on the streets. Also, the graffiti is all but eradicated at this point.I recommend that you call the cops each and every time you see something going on. If you can do so without endangering yourself, take pix and video of these crack-heads in the act. It'll help to convict. There was one nigger who got caught tagging a building near here and because he was a minor his parents were on the hook for the $6,000.00 it cost to repaint. The father beat the kid half to death because the building owner sought and gained a lien against their house until the bill is paid off. I wish you luck, sir."<br /><br />It's kind of funny to me because I'd say at least 90 percent of the people I was sounding off about are white men. I guess it just goes to show that when you assume you make an ass of you and two generations of civil rights activism.The Angry Customerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11578215304151815863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2409788015488232565.post-37862192657302819362010-08-24T19:19:00.012-05:002010-08-27T15:20:32.920-05:00Ronzoni Pasta<span style="font-size:130%;"><b><i>Nature of the Offense</b></i></span><br /><br />So I'm about to chow down on some "Healthy Harvest" pasta from Ronzoni, which carries the following diet-friendly nutrition facts:<br /><br /><center><br /><a href="http://s1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/?action=view¤t=pasta2.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/pasta2.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket" height="300" width="400"></a><br /></center><br /><br />Notice the serving size there. Now, here are the cooking instructions:<br /><br /><center><br /><a href="http://s1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/?action=view¤t=pasta3.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/pasta3.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket" height="300" width="400"></a><br /></center><br /><br />Aaand the net weight of the box:<br /><br /><center><br /><a href="http://s1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/?action=view¤t=pasta1.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/pasta1.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket" height="300" width="400"></a><br /></center><br /><br />If you do the math, you'll notice that the calorie counters are getting screwed if they cook the recommended 1/4 of a box, which is a much bigger portion than the numbers on the nutrition facts account for. Gotta love corporate dishonesty! I had some fun with this one.<br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><b><i>The Letter</b></i></span><br /><br />Dear Ronzoni,<br /><br />If you believe Sarah Palin--and I absolutely do--you know that soon, in accordance with the Obama health care plan, every overweight American will be rounded up and put down like a stray pit bull with mailman on his breath. It is for this reason that I try to watch my weight, splurging only when there are 25 cent wings at bingo night. Your pasta seemed like just the thing to help me trim the waistline, with its "Healthy Harvest" logo splashed across the box bigger than a billboard over a Vegas strip club. Taking you at your word, I grabbed a box and thought no more of it.<br /><br />As it turns out, I'd have been just as well off taking one of those Vegas strippers at her word when she told me it was my baby she was carrying. My wife, whose eyes allow her to read font sizes smaller than 54, checked out your nutritional facts. 180 calories in a 2-ounce serving...ok, not bad. However, your cooking instructions suggest that for a single serving, I should cook a quarter of the box.<br /><br />A quarter of a box is approximately 3.3 ounces, over 50 percent more than the portion listed on the nutrition section. Now I'm no math whiz, but 50 percent is slightly more than the percentage of coin flips I expect to win, and that's certainly not trivial. Think about it: what if I got 50 percent more than I bargained for with everything I ate or drank? I would spend all day shaking uncontrollably from the extra caffeine in my coffee, bound to the toilet shitting myself from the extra laxative in Activia yogurt, and I'd most certainly die of alcohol poisoning from my MGD 64.<br /><br /><center><br /><a href="http://s1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/?action=view¤t=puke_aftermath.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/puke_aftermath.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><i>Activia + MGD 64 = Bad Night</i></span><br /></center><br /><br />On top of that, no offense, but if I'm going to be eating 90 extra calories anyway, I wouldn't waste it on your pasta. For 90 calories, I could top my pasta with a strip of bacon. I could drink another 1.5 MGD 64s. Hell, I could even have a fourth Twinkie with dessert.<br /><br /><center><br /><a href="http://s1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/?action=view¤t=mgd64.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/mgd64.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><i>"Sorry, I can't finish these. I ate Ronzoni for dinner."</i></span><br /></center><br /><br />In short, Ronzoni, I'm trying to be careful with my weight. I wish you would be equally careful with your box. <br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><b><i>The Response</b></i></span><br /><br />I'm not sure what it is, but it seems like I can't even get an automated form letter from these people anymore. I can only hope that means a real human is at least reading enough of these letters to get pissed off...The Angry Customerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11578215304151815863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2409788015488232565.post-27113745199955646172010-08-23T15:35:00.009-05:002010-08-23T15:55:43.655-05:00Sirius Radio<span style="font-size:130%;"><b><i>Nature of the Offense</b></i></span><br /><br />I am a fairly frequent user of Avis rental cars. More often than not, my rental car is equipped with Sirius radio, which makes long trips through such exotic locales as Ozona, Texas infinitely more bearable. Unfortunately, as of this posting, Sirius is bickering with Avis over how much of a kickback they should get for their service, and as a way of "sticking it to the man" has disabled the satellite radio on all Avis' cars. You can't even pay extra to get it. You may have figured out by now how much I enjoy taking a corporate shafting on behalf of another giant company, so I really lit into Sirius. The following letter is not so much strictly factual as much as it is a metaphor for how royally pissed I was.<br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><b><i>The Letter</b></i></span><br /><br />Dear Sirius,<br /><br />Do you know what the current weather conditions in St. Louis are right now? How about Albuquerque? Do you know how traffic is outside of Atlanta? Or could you tell me what time Rosie O'Donnell's radio show comes on?<br /><br />In case you don't know any of these things, just ask me, because I know. In fact, I might never be able to purge these little pieces of information from my brain. Why, you ask? To adequately answer that question, I need to explain a little bit about my job. My work requires me to make frequent car trips across Texas, trips which often take 8 hours or more. My employers recommend I rent a car for these drives, so I use the Avis across the street from my house. Avis has your radio service equipped on many of its vehicles, but they often charge an upgrade fee for those cars. Imagine my delight, then, when on my last trip I pressed the satellite radio button on the console of my bargain bin car and saw Sirius activate! "No need to drive home and grab the CDs," I said mirthfully as I turned onto the highway and sped off into the distance.<br /><br />I was just out of turn-around range when I realized how wrong I was.<br /><br />I started absent-mindedly clicking the seek button on the radio, thinking to myself "man, Sirius has a lot of preview and weather stations these days." Then I started clicking the Category button. Then I started turning the selector knob.<br /><br />And then I realized.<br /><br />I was only getting three channels: previews, weather...and a blank station.<br /><br />You had shut me out. For all 16 hours of my round-trip drive. With no CDs.<br /><br />You ever listen to FM radio in western Texas? You haven't, because it doesn't exist. I never thought I would miss Lady Gaga and Lil' Wayne, except maybe in a "hey, you know it sorta did feel nice to have that warm ear blood running down my neck" kind of way. But the silence is deafening. It forces me to confront the voices on the inside. The ones that keep asking "why can't you make your mother love you?" and "remember when you were a kid, and everyone always called you piss-mouth because of that time Timmy Deerborne peed in your lemon Kool-Aid and you didn't know until it was too late?"<br /><br /><center><br /><a href="http://s1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/?action=view¤t=slimerhic.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/slimerhic.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><i>You don't even want to know what they did to my "Slimer" Hi-C.</i></span><br /></center><br /><br />So I left you on. Let you barrage me with your robotic voice reminding me not to miss Glenn Beck today, because he was going to tell us why we need to be afraid of liberals for a completely new reason! Except I couldn't tune in. For all I knew, the liberals could have stormed the Gulf of Mexico and taken Texas, and I was driving right into their Concentration Camp for People Who Love Guns and Freedom, and Glenn was the only one who could warn me. And I would have died from government spending and gay marriage.<br /><br /><center><br /><a href="http://s1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/?action=view¤t=tank.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/tank.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><i>"Over there, a Christian! Get him!"</i></span><br /></center><br /><br />It was like A Clockwork Orange, without all the sex and cool clothes. When I got home, I spent 14 hours sitting in the floor of my shower, shivering while the cold water pelted my face. I tried everything; booze, pills, chewing gum. Nothing could erase the monotonous drone from my mind.<br /><br />I hear it at night when I close my eyes.<br /><br />When I returned my car to Avis, I learned that the cause of my suffering was a dick-measuring contest you've started with Avis over how much they should charge for your services. And until someone can find a ruler with nanometers marked on it, you've taken your ball and gone home. Is this really how the revolution starts? With you locking out thousands of potential customers in an attempt to match the success of the TV writers' strike? Hell, I might as well see if I can find an LP player that plugs into a cigarette lighter for my next trip. <br /><br /><center><br /><a href="http://s1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/?action=view¤t=spectrum.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/spectrum.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket" height="300" width="400"></a><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><i>No, a prism still won't help you see it.</i></span><br /></center><br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><b><i>The Response</b></i></span><br /><br />Despite a promise to respond within 24 hours, I've got nothing. They're probably refusing to communicate through anything but a telegraph as a form of protest against Avis.The Angry Customerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11578215304151815863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2409788015488232565.post-88307006958106997562010-08-06T10:43:00.004-05:002010-08-11T11:36:07.908-05:00Hot Tamales<span style="font-size:130%;"><b><i>Nature of the Offense</i></b><i></i></span><br /><br />I am a candy addict. However, unlike most addicts, I won't tolerate any old hash of cleaning products you push on me because you think I'm a junkie and won't know any better. Imagine my horror, then, when I cracked open a bag of my beloved Hot Tamales to find that they were not, in fact, hot. I could have been eating a bag of red Mike & Ikes for all I knew. I had to let their parent company, Just Born, know about it. Unfortunately, their contact page is limited to 1000 characters, so I couldn't let them have it like I really wanted to. This letter should get the point across, though.<br /><br /><center><br /><a href="http://s1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/?action=view¤t=AdderallXr1f-main.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/AdderallXr1f-main.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><i>1000 characters? Really?</i></span><br /></center><br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><b><i>The Letter</i></b><i></i></span><br /><br />Just Born,<br /><br />I am writing with disappointment to inform you that I have just bought a bag of Cold Tamales. With this kind of quality control you are staring down a slippery slope, and I hope I can talk you down from the ledge.<br /><br />I wouldn't bother writing you, except that I know you can do better. Ever since they quit putting a gram of blow in every can of Coke, Hot Tamales has been one of America's most consistently hardcore deliveries of a sugar rush, with competitors dropping off like flies. Hell, Warheads now comes in gummy form.<br /><br />Why does this matter? Because as a nation, we have lost our machismo, our ability to do things that aren't painfully easy. Baseball players take steroids, NASCAR has Toyotas running in it, Budweiser comes with lime in it, and men need prescription drugs to maintain an erection. If I can't shove a handful of Hot Tamales in my mouth and feel like my uvula might start bleeding, I might as well pack it up and move to Canada.<br /><br /><center><br /><a href="http://s1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/?action=view&current=nascar_pinkseal.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/nascar_pinkseal.jpg" alt="Photobucket" border="0" height="240" width="400" /></a><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><i>This guy thinks Hot Tamales are too hot.</i></span><br /></center><br /><br />George Washington would expect more.<br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><b><i>The Response</i></b><i></i></span><br /><br />"We appreciate that you took the time to contact us recently regarding our HOT TAMALES® Brand Candies. We are committed to providing our valued consumers with the highest quality confections, and it concerns us to know that we have failed to meet your expectations.<br /><br />In order to best address your concerns, we would like to follow up with you via the mail through the address you provided in your message. You can look forward to receiving something from us within the next 2-3 weeks. Should you need to speak with us in the meantime, please don't hesitate to call us toll free at 1-888-645-3453.<br /><br />Regards,<br /><br />Shirley A. Lang<br />Consumer Relations Team"<br /><br />I really feel like I dropped the ball here, because as usual I gave them a bogus address. Maybe whoever lives at 4444 <a href=http://www.timecube.com>Time Cube</a> Lane will get a free box of Hot Tamales.The Angry Customerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11578215304151815863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2409788015488232565.post-68757977518045868372010-07-22T15:12:00.013-05:002010-07-29T11:01:27.308-05:00The State of Tennessee, Part 2<span style="font-size:130%;"><b><i>Nature of the Offense</i></b><i></i></span><br /><br /><span style="font-size:100%;">You may have read <a url="http://angrycustomerletters.blogspot.com/2010/06/state-of-tennessee.html">my first letter</a> to Governor Phil Bredesen of Tennessee. Well, ol' Governor Phil never got back to me about the grievous offense I took with his backwoods state, so I had to hit him up again. Hard.<br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><b><i>The Letter</i></b><i></i><br /><br /></span></span>Dear Governor Bredesen,<br /><br />I wrote to you a couple of months ago about my discovery that your state had decided to name a prominently-featured state park after Nathan Bedford Forrest, the first Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan. As one of your secretaries may remember, my letter took a rather satirical tone, praising you as a champion of racists and segregationists everywhere, with the intent that you would realize the message such a name for the park conveys and take corrective action.<br /><br />What amazes me (even though it probably shouldn't) is that you seem to have taken me seriously, showing your acceptance of my compliments by not responding to refute them. I realize another possibility is that as Governor, you may have other, more important letters to write, but <a url="http://www.hillbillyreport.org/diary/1754/mark-williamstea-party-letter-to-abraham-lincolnyou-aint-gonna-believe-this">you and Mark Williams do realize that Abraham Lincoln is dead</a>, don't you?<br /><br />I had really hoped to get the ball rolling towards a re-naming of the Forrest State Park, but perhaps I'm not considering the whole picture. I am certainly aware of the "heritage not hate" argument, but why not replace Forrest, who is an icon for Klansmen and Neo-Nazis everywhere, with another Confederate hero who merely fought and died to preserve the institution of slavery as part of a larger list of quarrels with the Northern states? That approach works well enough for every single other highway, park, rest stop, and public library in Tennessee.<br /><br /><center><br /><a href="http://s1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/?action=view&current=reststop.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/reststop.jpg" alt="Photobucket" border="0" height="300" width="400" /></a><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><i>The Stonewall Jackson Memorial...oh, wait, this is actually the ballroom of the Governor's Mansion. Nevermind.</i><br /><span style="font-size:100%;"></span></span></center><br /><br />I suppose the answer is that you really are satisfied with the sentiment expressed in Forrest's name. You really mean for your state attraction to say "we hates all you nigras," and not "while I respect you as three-fifths of a fellow human being, I just think society would be better off if we used separate water fountains." That is certainly your prerogative, and hey, honesty and transparency are certainly welcome qualities in today's political environment.<br /><br /><center><br /><a href="http://s1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/?action=view&current=clearponcho.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/clearponcho.jpg" alt="Photobucket" border="0" height="300" width="400" /></a><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><i>In Tennessee, even the Klan believes in transparency!</i></span><br /><span style="font-size:100%;"></span></center><br /><br />Thank you for again taking the time to read my correspondence. I look forward to your Presidential campaign whenever the 15th Amendment is repealed!<br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><b><i>The Response</i></b><i></i></span><br /><br />Again, nothing. He must be too concerned with the <a href="http://politics.freesitenow.com/basilmarceauxforgovernor/">anti-slavery candidate running for his job</a> to respond!The Angry Customerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11578215304151815863noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2409788015488232565.post-39193181769962478152010-07-10T10:36:00.010-05:002010-07-11T14:12:27.142-05:00Dell Computers<span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-size:130%;"><b><i>Nature of the Offense</i></b><i></i></span><br /><br /><span style="font-size:100%;">This one is tough for me, because in the past I have really enjoyed my Dell products. Sure, their customer support is awful, because you have to spend hours on the phone getting transferred back and forth from one province of India to another, but typically their stuff is good enough that you don't have to mess with it. My new laptop, as you will see below, is not such an example, so I had to unload.<br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><b><i>The Letter</i></b><i></i></span><br /><br /><span style="font-size:100%;">Dear Dell,<br /><br />I want you to know that I am in no way happy with any part of your products or services. Within a day of receiving my new laptop, I realized that bringing the machine back from its self-imposed sleep state required playing a game of "Guess Whether This Computer Will Respond Before You Hard Reset It." Usually I lost, and still do.<br /><br /><center><br /><a href="http://s1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/?action=view&current=lets-make-a-deal.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/lets-make-a-deal.jpg" alt="Photobucket" border="0" height="250" width="400" /></a><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><i>Like this, but with my computer.</i></span><br /><span style="font-size:100%;"></span></center><br /><br />I called to exchange the machine for a functioning version, and was told that tech support would have to certify my computer was broken to avoid paying a restocking fee. After spending over an hour on the phone with at least seven of the jobs you have un-patriotically shipped to India, I was told that such undesirable behavior was actually my virus protection software strangling the computer's processing power to ensure my electronic safety before I started to type my grocery list. This was just barely characteristic enough of a Windows machine to believe, so I decided to hold off on my attempts to get a replacement computer.<br /><br /><center><br /><a href="http://s1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/?action=view&current=novirus.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/novirus.jpg" alt="Photobucket" border="0" height="400" width="400" /></a><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><i>We guarantee you won't get a virus. You might not get an email either.</i></span><br /><span style="font-size:100%;"></span></center><br /><br />That is until this morning. I woke up smiling at the sunshine and looking forward to the promises of the day ahead. Before I could even finish my coffee, though, some fast-talking Indian from your company phoned me and began babbling in some semi-comprehensible hybrid of English and Hindi.<br /><br /><center><br /><a href="http://s1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/?action=view&current=atropos-truck3.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i1018.photobucket.com/albums/af310/bigsaxquatch/atropos-truck3.jpg" alt="Photobucket" border="0" height="300" width="400" /></a><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><i>Unlike this hybrid, which is completely incomprehensible.</i><br /><span style="font-size:100%;"></span></span></center><br /><br /></span></span>The call was, as I understood it, to "check on the status of my new computer," and I again tried to convey my dissatisfaction with my purchase. After several minutes of trying to follow his mile-a-minute Englo-babble about my service options, I realize he is signing me up for a $15 per month extended warranty plan! I frantically yelled "no!" "stop!" and "cancel!" into the phone, and I can only pray that I won't see a bill from you in 30 days.<br /><br />I must ask, Dell, why you think I would want such a service plan? I have already repeatedly told you how unhappy I am with my laptop's performance, and you have essentially told me to suck it up and deal. Why, though, do you think I would pay to ensure the continuation of such substandard operation? Please do not contact me again until you are prepared to replace my laptop at no charge to me.<br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><b><i>The Response</i></b></span></span><br /><br /><span style="font-size:100%;">"</span><span style=";font-family:Arial;font-size:10pt;" >Dear Valued Customer,<br /><br />Thank you for contacting Dell Customer Care on 06/24/2010 regarding Case number: XXXXXXXXX for Dell order number: XXXXXXXXX. At Dell we are committed to delivering the best Customer Experience to our customers. Valuable feedback regarding your experience with Dell Customer Care will help us improve our internal processes and provide better service to you.<br /><br />Dell has asked <a href="http://www.tnsglobal.com/">TNS</a>, a customer satisfaction research company in the IT industry, to help conduct a survey regarding your experience. To help ensure we are providing the best possible experience, we ask that you provide us with your feedback in this brief survey. It should take no more than 10 minutes to complete."<br /><br />Yeah, thanks for the help, Dell. Nothing solves my computer woes like an online survey full of questions like "please confirm your answer to the previous question." Screw you and your 75 dollar upcharge for a pink laptop.<br /></span>The Angry Customerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11578215304151815863noreply@blogger.com0