Boris Diaw

Nature of the Offense

I write the following sentence with approximately the same level of shame as a registered sex offender going door-to-door announcing his move to the neighborhood. I am a Charlotte Bobcats fan. Perhaps because my father is a lifelong Red Sox fan, my definition of sports is choosing a team from a small list of acceptable semi-local teams and sticking by them no matter how historically shitty things may get. However, there is a notable difference between bad and lazy, and I don't have to put up with buying tickets to see millionaire athletes who can't be bothered to stay in shape.

Enter Boris Diaw.

Tony Parker disapproves.

This fat turd has made a career out of playing well for a contender, signing a huge contract, and then packing on the pounds whenever his team's record dips below .500. Basketball guru Bill Simmons recently wrote about his potential to be "the fattest guy to play important minutes for a title team." Here's what he looked like in his later years with Charlotte:

The first suggested auto-complete for Boris on Google images is "Boris Diaw fat."

Boris took home 9 million dollars in salary that year. And then dropped (some of) the weight to chase a title with the Spurs. Fuck him. Anyway, I was recently browsing his official website trying to find his email address to call him fat personally. The whole page is a delight if you enjoy making fun of fat athletes with inflated senses of self-worth as much as I do, but the real treat came on his "links" page:

To translate: among links to his "friends," right up there with fellow French basketballers Tony Parker and Ronny Turiaf, he includes two burger bars, one each in Charlotte and San Antonio. Would you like to see this if you were the strength and conditioning coach for an NBA team? I say no. To learn more, I emailed Mortimer's, which is one of the many bars around Time Warner Cable Arena in downtown Charlotte.

The Letter

Dear Mortimer's,

I was just browsing through former Bobcat Boris Diaw's website, because I've already seen every pair of female boobs on the internet, and remembered what a nice pair he developed during his time in Charlotte. Did you know he includes your pub as one of only seven links in the "Friends" section of his page? That's right, a world-famous, multimillionaire athlete has seven friends on the whole of the internet, and one of them is a Hotdog Panini Sandwich.

Did Boris come in often? Is that why he got so fat while he played for the Bobcats? Just to be safe, I would get in touch with his people and ask him to remove the link. Having Boris as your spokesperson would be like Hooters hiring John Daly, and we all know how well that worked out.

Sincerely,
Angry Customer, Bobcats/Hornets fan

The Response

Hi Angry,

We aren't able to comment on our relationship with Boris, but we hope you enjoy Mortimer's and our menu offerings!

Amy ********
Director of Marketing
Mortimer's Cafe & Pub

Wait a minute, you can't comment?! Does this mean Mortimer's actually has some business arrangement with Boris? The whole thing boggles my mind, but only adds to the enduring mystique of Boris Diaw the Obese Professional Athlete. I won't do a breakdown, because Mortimer's didn't do anything wrong, and they were kind enough to send me a personalized reply even if it didn't really say anything. Boris, if you're reading this, try a salad.