Pluckers Chicken

Nature of the Offense

If you've ever been to a college town, you're familiar with these cookie-cutter wing joints that almost universally suck, so there's nothing really new about Pluckers. However, the other day a friend emails me saying "hey, you know Pluckers has weekly Beer Pong tournaments? Wanna play?"

Now, I'm actually a big fan of beer pong, and considered giving it a shot. That is, until I went to their website and saw this:







As any self-respecting Beer Pong player already knows, playing without beer is beyond unacceptable. I had to let Pluckers know this in no uncertain terms.

The Letter

Dear Pluckers,

I am writing in response to your idiotic decision to advertise weekly "Beer Pong" tournaments, which you play with cups of water. This false advertising is a grievous offense to beer, beer pong, and chicken joints in general. Have any of you ever actually played beer pong, or is it just one of those things you heard those wacky college kids do?

In the words of the late, great Colonel Sanders, "I'm too drunk to taste this chicken." Granted, The Colonel had more knowledge of beer and chicken in his right nut than you guys do, and he left that one on some battlefield in Germany, but whatever.



If Ronald McDonald could drink like The Colonel, maybe we wouldn't have had so much trouble with McDonald's.


My point is that beer pong is meant to be played drunk, and that anyone who doesn't agree might as well be playing Candyland. Don't believe me? Ask Ron Hamilton of Smashing Time, winners of the ABPAA World Series of Beer Pong. Upon winning the tournament, Hamilton claimed that "The key today was me getting really drunk." He chugged a bottle of Jack Daniels before the final. Think that guy would be caught dead in your Water Pong tournament?

The short answer is no. The long answer is FUCK no. Why? Because he knows that, like most beer pong purists, he'd probably get knocked out in the second round by a couple of Young Lifers who would then use their gift certificate prize to feed some of your chicken to homeless people or something. I can't stand homeless people; they smell bad and leave beer cans all over my neighborhood.

I see right through this whole charade. It's just one more of your tiresome stunts to get stupid college students into your awful restaurant, just like cramming your flyers into my fence and car windshield. You know how many KFC flyers I've found in my windshield? Exactly eleven fewer than the number of secret herbs and spices in Original Recipe. Maybe if you spent less time printing flyers and more time making your chicken suck less, I would visit your restaurant. Until then, try Coors Light. Even the Young Lifers won't be able to distinguish it from water, and you won't be completely lying to us.

The Response

Nothing yet. Maybe I shouldn't expect much from a company whose slogan is "If you don't like our wings, we'll give you the bird."