I don't know why, maybe it's the bad shape of the economy, maybe it's residual depression that the last season of Lost was so stupid Sarah Palin was willing to call it retarded, or maybe it's just bad luck, but a flood of crackheads and other delinquents have taken up "residence" in my neighborhood over the last two or three months. It sucks, because I'm constantly being harassed for money, there's graffiti everywhere, and some wacko slashed two of my tires.
Purple tags. Baller status, son.
Once again using Craigslist to vent my frustration to the general populace, I titled this letter "3 Tips For Becoming A Better Crackhead."
The Letter
Dear crackheads, drunks, bums, and other assorted assholes,
For reasons which are unclear to me, many of you have recently set up shop in my neighborhood. As much as your presence inconveniences me, it also confuses me, as I am amazed at how bad you are at what you do. I have had a few weeks to observe you all now, and I have a few ideas which might prove to be useful to you.
1. Whistling at my wife will not encourage me to give you drug money.
2. Graffiti better. Start with nicknames. If all the sidewalks and fences in the neighborhood were tagged with "D-Train" or "Madd Stylez," I might be able to take you seriously as a criminal. On the other hand, if you just use your real name, and your real name is Chase, I'm just going to assume you are the biggest douchebag within a hundred miles of me. Also, lavender is a lovely color, it really is. It just doesn't exactly scream "hardcore" when you use it to write your name on a stop sign.
Gold spray paint, on the other hand, apparently does.
I mean, have you thought this through? How are things going to go for you on your first day in juvie?
"Yo man, what's your name? What you in for?"
"I'm Chase. I got sent up for graffiti."
"Oh yeah, Chase! I saw your purple shit all over the place when I was running from the cops after my double homicide. This is great, I was just wondering who my new bitch was gonna be! Nice to meet you Chase, see you at shower time."
3. Steal something. Don't get me wrong, your slashing my tires has cost me plenty of money, and your conversion of the bus stop down the street into your own personal toilet/shoot-up spot has no doubt done wonders for the real estate values around here, but I don't see how either of those things has helped your own economic situation. Why not rob someone? There are pawn shops right across the train tracks, and you could totally buy some crack if you sell your loot. Plus, if you break into my house to steal stuff, I can shoot you, which would be awesome.
Hopefully, some of these tips will prove to be useful for you. If not...well, you never were very good at taking advice, were you? You know, with the whole "becoming a crackhead against better advice" thing.
Sincerely,
Your New Neighbor
The Response
The following response is equal parts sympathetic, thoughtful advice and unapologetic racism. I'll warn you that the language may be a little saltier than is typical of this website.
"Wow, that really sucks. We used to have a similar problem but when the Katrinites arrived it exploded into a full-on turf war. Our local Walmart and H.E.B. suffered record losses to shoplifting. Then we were noticing used needles and condoms all over the place. Then followed the graffiti. The place turned into a cesspool. I walk my neighborhood frequently and found myself calling the police on a daily basis.
"Well, now I see where the needles are coming from. Now if I could just figure out the condoms..."
It got to the point where I was on a first name basis with my local police. They worked tirelessly to clean our neighborhood up. Then I called channel 12 who came out and did a story on the subject. Well, now most of those skanks are gone from the area and with the help of the police we no longer see the nasty, dirty hookers, their filthy pimps, no more needles or condoms on the streets. Also, the graffiti is all but eradicated at this point.I recommend that you call the cops each and every time you see something going on. If you can do so without endangering yourself, take pix and video of these crack-heads in the act. It'll help to convict. There was one nigger who got caught tagging a building near here and because he was a minor his parents were on the hook for the $6,000.00 it cost to repaint. The father beat the kid half to death because the building owner sought and gained a lien against their house until the bill is paid off. I wish you luck, sir."
It's kind of funny to me because I'd say at least 90 percent of the people I was sounding off about are white men. I guess it just goes to show that when you assume you make an ass of you and two generations of civil rights activism.
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