HEB, Part I

Nature of the Offense

As anyone in Texas knows, HEB is the soul-sucking grocery juggernaut that owns everyone in the southwest like it's the Company Store.

Here lies the origin of my discontent

Everything about this store is awful. The parking lot is like a demilitarized zone, the merchandise is always out of stock, and walking down an aisle gives you first-hand experience on what it's like to be anally raped by a shopping cart. None of this warranted a letter from me by itself, because tens of thousands of people (at least) across Texas put up with it every day because it's still better than shopping with the unwashed hippies at Whole Foods. What did force my hand, though, was this:

Satan's cracker. So offensive this is the best picture of it allowed to exist.

This is one of HEB's discount food products, and it is quite possibly the worst edible thing ever created. It goes beyond "bad food" and into "inhumane replacement for ipecac syrup." Enough talk, let's get to my righteous indignation.

The Letter

To whom it may concern,

I was at a party over the weekend, and our host served a bowl of your HEB brand crackers, specifically the raspberry-chipotle flavored wheat crackers. I thought you should be aware that these crackers may very well be the most offensive combination of flavors to ever assault my olfactory senses. They were so bad, in fact, we incorporated them into a card game we were playing. Very basically, any time a player used one of a set of high-value cards, he was forced to consume a raspberry-chipotle cracker as a penalty. Never before have I seen grown men reduced to tears over a finger food. I saw players knowingly sabotage their chances of winning simply to avoid having to eat another of those putrid crackers. I myself nearly vomited twice, and was unable to eat for a period of roughly 14 hours after the end of the game. These crackers are a menace to public health, and I would recommend an immediate recall.

The Response

"Dear Mrs. Anthony:

Hello and thank you for contacting us at our H-E-B Web Site. We always
appreciate hearing from our Friends and Customers.

It disappoints us to learn that you were not satisfied with the H-E-B
Raspberry-Chipotle flavored wheat crackers you had at your friend's
party. We offer a money back guarantee on our H E B and Hill Country
Fare Brands. We always appreciate retrieving any unused portions for
product evaluation. This helps us insure that we meet the high quality
standards set for these products. If you are ever dissatisfied with one
of our products in the future, please return the unused portion for a
full refund.

Because we are always interested in our Customers' concerns, we are
sharing your comments with our Own Brand Development Team for their
information and consideration.

H-E-B is proud to serve you as our Customer and we will look forward to
all future opportunities we may have to serve you. We genuinely value
your comments and your business. As we strive to deliver superior
Customer Service, we encourage you to continue letting us know how we
can serve you better.

Sincerely,

Cathy
Customer Relations Specialist
H-E-B Grocery Company"

I'm not at all sure why they called me Mrs. Anthony, aside from the fact that when you're essentially telling someone, "choose your favorite two-word phrase, and apply it," it doesn't matter what you call them. We're not done, HEB. Not by a long shot.