The State of Tennessee, Part 2

Nature of the Offense

You may have read my first letter to Governor Phil Bredesen of Tennessee. Well, ol' Governor Phil never got back to me about the grievous offense I took with his backwoods state, so I had to hit him up again. Hard.

The Letter

Dear Governor Bredesen,

I wrote to you a couple of months ago about my discovery that your state had decided to name a prominently-featured state park after Nathan Bedford Forrest, the first Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan. As one of your secretaries may remember, my letter took a rather satirical tone, praising you as a champion of racists and segregationists everywhere, with the intent that you would realize the message such a name for the park conveys and take corrective action.

What amazes me (even though it probably shouldn't) is that you seem to have taken me seriously, showing your acceptance of my compliments by not responding to refute them. I realize another possibility is that as Governor, you may have other, more important letters to write, but you and Mark Williams do realize that Abraham Lincoln is dead, don't you?

I had really hoped to get the ball rolling towards a re-naming of the Forrest State Park, but perhaps I'm not considering the whole picture. I am certainly aware of the "heritage not hate" argument, but why not replace Forrest, who is an icon for Klansmen and Neo-Nazis everywhere, with another Confederate hero who merely fought and died to preserve the institution of slavery as part of a larger list of quarrels with the Northern states? That approach works well enough for every single other highway, park, rest stop, and public library in Tennessee.



The Stonewall Jackson Memorial...oh, wait, this is actually the ballroom of the Governor's Mansion. Nevermind.


I suppose the answer is that you really are satisfied with the sentiment expressed in Forrest's name. You really mean for your state attraction to say "we hates all you nigras," and not "while I respect you as three-fifths of a fellow human being, I just think society would be better off if we used separate water fountains." That is certainly your prerogative, and hey, honesty and transparency are certainly welcome qualities in today's political environment.



In Tennessee, even the Klan believes in transparency!


Thank you for again taking the time to read my correspondence. I look forward to your Presidential campaign whenever the 15th Amendment is repealed!

The Response

Again, nothing. He must be too concerned with the anti-slavery candidate running for his job to respond!

Dell Computers

Nature of the Offense

This one is tough for me, because in the past I have really enjoyed my Dell products. Sure, their customer support is awful, because you have to spend hours on the phone getting transferred back and forth from one province of India to another, but typically their stuff is good enough that you don't have to mess with it. My new laptop, as you will see below, is not such an example, so I had to unload.

The Letter

Dear Dell,

I want you to know that I am in no way happy with any part of your products or services. Within a day of receiving my new laptop, I realized that bringing the machine back from its self-imposed sleep state required playing a game of "Guess Whether This Computer Will Respond Before You Hard Reset It." Usually I lost, and still do.



Like this, but with my computer.


I called to exchange the machine for a functioning version, and was told that tech support would have to certify my computer was broken to avoid paying a restocking fee. After spending over an hour on the phone with at least seven of the jobs you have un-patriotically shipped to India, I was told that such undesirable behavior was actually my virus protection software strangling the computer's processing power to ensure my electronic safety before I started to type my grocery list. This was just barely characteristic enough of a Windows machine to believe, so I decided to hold off on my attempts to get a replacement computer.



We guarantee you won't get a virus. You might not get an email either.


That is until this morning. I woke up smiling at the sunshine and looking forward to the promises of the day ahead. Before I could even finish my coffee, though, some fast-talking Indian from your company phoned me and began babbling in some semi-comprehensible hybrid of English and Hindi.



Unlike this hybrid, which is completely incomprehensible.


The call was, as I understood it, to "check on the status of my new computer," and I again tried to convey my dissatisfaction with my purchase. After several minutes of trying to follow his mile-a-minute Englo-babble about my service options, I realize he is signing me up for a $15 per month extended warranty plan! I frantically yelled "no!" "stop!" and "cancel!" into the phone, and I can only pray that I won't see a bill from you in 30 days.

I must ask, Dell, why you think I would want such a service plan? I have already repeatedly told you how unhappy I am with my laptop's performance, and you have essentially told me to suck it up and deal. Why, though, do you think I would pay to ensure the continuation of such substandard operation? Please do not contact me again until you are prepared to replace my laptop at no charge to me.

The Response

"Dear Valued Customer,

Thank you for contacting Dell Customer Care on 06/24/2010 regarding Case number: XXXXXXXXX for Dell order number: XXXXXXXXX. At Dell we are committed to delivering the best Customer Experience to our customers. Valuable feedback regarding your experience with Dell Customer Care will help us improve our internal processes and provide better service to you.

Dell has asked TNS, a customer satisfaction research company in the IT industry, to help conduct a survey regarding your experience. To help ensure we are providing the best possible experience, we ask that you provide us with your feedback in this brief survey. It should take no more than 10 minutes to complete."

Yeah, thanks for the help, Dell. Nothing solves my computer woes like an online survey full of questions like "please confirm your answer to the previous question." Screw you and your 75 dollar upcharge for a pink laptop.

Guest Letter #2: Chick-fil-A

Nature of the Offense

Another contribution from fast-food warrior Eric, this one touches on some subject material that may be a sensitive spot for Southerners...

The Letter

Dear Chick-fil-A,

Thank you for ruining my lunch. I ordered a 3-piece strips meal with a sweet tea (light ice) today. The strips were acceptable, but the fries only lukewarm. This is about par for the course in my experience with this location, and not the main cause of this letter. Rather, the unforgivable offense involved my drink. Not only was it about 90 percent ice, it was also not sweet tea. It was just iced tea. Nobody in their right mind who has ever tasted the heavenly nectar that is true southern sweet tea will ever go back to regular iced tea. Without the brewed-in sugar that makes sweet tea the delight that it is, iced tea is nothing but bitter, cold water that makes you have to urinate shortly thereafter. Once brewed without sugar, iced tea can't be made sweet. No matter how much sugar you dump in, or how much you stir, it will never taste the same. It's thermodynamically impossible.



Still not sweet tea.


Sadly, I am running out of options with respect to fast food restaurants in the Austin, TX area. In the past month, Wendy's and McDonald's have also managed to destroy any desire I might have to visit them again. I thought Chick-fil-A would be a light in the darkness. But you have failed me. If I could throw down a gauntlet, I would. Instead, I can only say this: I demand satisfaction!



Gauntlet. Heavy, hard to throw down.


The Response

"Thank you for taking the time to contact Chick-fil-A. You are very important to us, and we appreciate your comments regarding the unappetizing order you received on your recent visit to Chick-fil-A. We apologize; our aim is to provide a pleasant dining experience every time you visit Chick-fil-A.

As most Chick-fil-A Restaurants are independently operated, I have forwarded your comments to Jeff Glover, Operator of the Braker Lane Restaurant, so that he is aware of your dissatisfaction.
I would like to send you two Chick-fil-A CARES Guest Cards as a thank you for taking the time to contact us. If you would be so kind to reply to this e-mail and provide your phone number and complete mailing address we will mail these Guest Cards to you.

Again, thank you for your assistance and interest in Chick-fil-A. We hope to receive your reply soon. Have a great day.


Sincerely,

Avery
Chick-fil-A CARES
Chick-fil-A...We Didn't Invent The Chicken,
Just The Chicken Sandwich."

Another form letter?! Shock! To be fair, Wendy's couldn't even go to that much trouble.

Guest Letter #1: McDonald's

Nature of the Offense

Just like with Wendy's, you don't need me to tell you about McDonald's. Instead, I'll use this space to introduce Eric, a guest contributor. He's written a few letters to fast-food joints that mesh well with the nature of this site, so let's throw them out here! I'll go one restaurant at a time for narrative's sake.

The Letter

McDonald's:

Due to unusual circumstances, I found myself having not had dinner last night and it was approaching 11 PM. Save for a brief stop to take a shower, I had been out of the house since 8 AM. I was in no mood to cook and at such an hour, dining options are limited. As it is the nearest late night food service facility to my home, I went to your restaurant and ordered a crispy chicken combo meal with *NO MAYO*.

I returned home ready to devour this culinary masterpiece and satiate my growling stomach. Upon opening the box containing the sandwich, my heart sank and I was utterly furious to find that there was not just some mayo, but a huge, artery-clogging wad of mayo all over my sandwich.



I google image searched the previous sentence, but the combination "huge," "wad," and "all over my," did not produce exactly what I was looking for..."


Why do your employees do this? Why is it your policy to, by default, smother your otherwise somewhat edible sandwiches with mayo? Not everyone likes mayo. I am one of those people. I hate mayo. I want the chicken, the lettuce and the tomatoes to shine. But you buried them in the one thing I hate to eat.

When I called the restaurant to complain (since your 800 number was on robo-answer with no recourse), it took two calls and over 20 rings for an employee to answer. When they did and I recounted my unsatisfactory experience, she hung up on me. The indignation!



"At McDonald's, we pride ourselves on using only the latest in robotic customer service technology."


While your restaurant is never my first choice, I have always thought that I can count on reliably mediocre food in a time of need. But now I feel shunned and unappreciated.

McD's is supposed to be a happy place. But I am sad.

Footnote from the Author:
McDonald's customer feedback has a 1500 character limit. I used every last one. Too bad they won't let me attach photographic evidence of the crime. It shouldn't also be noted that the feedback form asks for "date/time of incident," as if they are expecting negative feedback, instead of praise.

The Response
"Hello Eric:

I want to thank you for taking the time to share your recent experience at the McDonald's in Austin, TX with me. Your feedback is very important to us as it allows us to better understand how we can improve our service to you.

I am sorry for the unprofessional service and inaccurate order you received. Please be assured that we want to provide you with an exceptional experience every time you visit us. From your email, it is clear we did not meet your expectations. Again, I am truly sorry we disappointed you.

I want you to know that I have already taken action on your feedback. After reading your email, I immediately shared the information you brought to our attention with the local franchise owner of the restaurant you visited. Additionally, I notified our regional McDonald's consultant who works with this owner for follow-up in the restaurant and appropriate corrective action.

McDonald's is no stranger to "corrective action."

Again, Eric, thank you for sharing your feedback. We appreciate your business and we hope to have the pleasure of serving you soon.

Thomas
McDonald's Customer Response Center"

The Next Letter

Sir:

I don't believe it is unreasonably demanding if I request the satisfaction of a refund on this meal. With your current response to the situation I find little incentive to return to your establishments at a future time. In the event that I require fast food, my current inclination would be to have it my way, or simply eat mor chik-in. Fear not, for Dave Thomas' legacy has already been tarnished by far more grievous offenses and I shall not be turning to Wendy's for comfort.

As your internet letter writing technology did not allow me to do so, I have enclosed a photograph of the sandwich in question, so that you may view the nature of the offense.

"At McDonald's, we strive to serve only the healthiest food items."


The Follow-Up Response

None. In this case, I think it's understandable. I mean, could you assemble coherent thoughts after seeing that mayo apocalypse?

Bicycle Riders

Nature of the Offense

Look at this idiot:



I can't even list all the staggeringly dangerous, flagrantly illegal things he does here, but I'll try. Running red lights, weaving between cars, driving on the sidewalk, driving into oncoming traffic, ignoring a traffic cop, failing to signal, all while wearing headphones and operating a video camera! I put up with moronic organ donors like this every time I get behind the wheel of a car, and I'm sick of it. Since there's clearly no authority these twits answer to, I had to direct my anger to the general masses, in the Craigslist Rants and Raves.

The Letter

Dear granola-munching hippie turds,

I want you all to know that you people make me absolutely furious. You demand "equal rights" on the road, and then refuse to obey "equal laws" or exhibit "equal common courtesy." The worst is when you stage your Critical Mass rides, where you all get together and bring an entire street to an absolute standstill while you joyride slowly enough to exchange high-fives and pass joints. Not that you can't do plenty of damage individually--far from it. Just about every last one of you runs red lights, refuses to signal your turns, and mows down pedestrians like they were score multipliers. From speaking with a few of you, I gather that most of you don't even KNOW the turn signals for bicyclists. Furthermore, you jump up on the sidewalk illegally whenever it suits you and knock little old ladies and strollers into the street without so much as an "on your left."

If it were up to me, I'd have every last one of you off the street and confined to nature trails and reggae concerts where you belong. And don't come at me about the environment, because it ain't enough to make it worth your presence. I'd rather live in a desert world where I can drive without fear of having to scrape one of you out of the grill of my truck than put up with you to save a few carbon points. Maybe you could save energy by using the sun and a magnifying glass to light your pot instead of putting another BIC in a landfill, or by not recharging your iPhone so often. Or just get a job and buy a Prius.

And buy some goddamned deodorant, too.

The Response

Unfortunately, Craigslist rants don't last long in my area, because there are a lot of trolls who flag posts so as not to obscure their flooding the site with clown porn (I'm serious), but one person did get irked enough to write back:

"Dear broken-down over-worked thoroughly-indoctrinated overly-consumptive multi-medication-taking pack-mule-for-the-wealthy,

Sorry it sucks so bad to be you. I do understand some frustration, as some bikers do step over the line, but starting off your post with some ridiculous old-school stereotypical comment having to do with "granola" and "hippies", made me disregard everything else you wrote entirely, and rightly so, because it's sooooooooo obviously sour-grapes from a just-starting-to-realize-they've-been-fucked-over-by-the-system-and-at-that-stage-of-being-angry-and-lashing-out-at-those-who-got-smart-a-long-time-ago whiner. I'm sorry you are so boring and disillusioned sir, but that's what you get for letting the government, mass media, and wealthy merchants, decide what's best for you.

Oh by the way, the people who don't use deodorant, don't use it because they don't stink like you pasty office-dwelling processed food eating zombies do, so keep slathering on that aluminum chlorohydrate that some advertising guy convinced you that you needed because they also convinced you that you smell bad naturally. At a couple of sticks a month for an average of 60 years or so, that's another $4000.00 in their pocket, with nothing to show for it in yours. And don't even think about adding up what you'll spend in cologne over your lifetime because yet another advertising guy convinced you that you stink too bad to get laid!

Write all the rants you want dude, i'd be pissed too, if I were like you!"

Wow-dude-sorry-you're-so-jaded-by-the-capitalist-system!

Wendy's

Nature of the Offense

You don't need me to tell you about Wendy's. It is what it is, and I won't bother explaining why I think it's the worst of the major fast food joints. This letter was prompted by Wendy's being completely out of chicken, which accounts for probably 50 percent of their menu. Stupid, right? And not even the "oh yeah, I left the oven on before we left for the weekend" flavor of stupid. More like "eh, we're BP. Nobody will be mad about us trashing a continent."

The Letter

Dear Wendy,

Upon returning to Texas from a North Carolina vacation, some friends and I decided to visit your restaurant. Not because we're particularly fond of it, mind you, but because Texas has yet to discover the chubby-inducing wonders of Cook Out and Bojangles. In any case, three of us approached the counter, ordered, and paid. It should be noted that each of us requested at least one item from your fried chicken selection.



No joke here, just thought you might like to see what a real fast food restaurant looks like.


As we waited for our food with all the anticipation of a Jewish child on Christmas Eve who thinks there's an outsider's chance his parents might "git sav'd" before Santa flies over his house, we were approached by your cashier, who evidently was on loan from the Home for Developmentally Disabled Children with Speech Impediments who Love Pushing Buttons. On his third attempt, he finally managed to convey to us that "ain't no chicken." Maybe this would not be a shock if we were stumbling in high at 2 AM because Taco Bell burned down, but this was right at the beginning of the dinner rush!

Now maybe you say "well sir, Wendy's is primarily a burger joint, so the chicken is just a bonus if you can get it," and there may have been a point in time when I would agree with that. However, upon setting foot in your establishment we were immediately bombarded with so many ads for chicken dinners that I half expected Colonel Sanders to ride a cow into the restaurant and write "Eat Mor Chickunz" on the wall in crudely-applied black paint. You should have just closed. But maybe the cashier couldn't manage to put "Cloz'd. Ain't no chicken." on a sign.



Colonel Sanders riding a cow into Wendy's to write graffiti on the walls.


I'm disappointed, Wendy. Dave would have run out back, popped a chicken's head off with one hand, and had it fried on a bun in 10 minutes or less. You can do better.

The Response

In case you aren't noticing a pattern here, I haven't heard from Wendy yet. Whenever I do get one I'll post it, provided my scanner can handle crayon on construction paper.

The State of Tennessee

Nature of the Offense

In a recent survey of everyone except the National Association of Trailer Park Residents, Tennessee was ranked the Worst State Ever. It's basically a bunch of mountain-dwelling rednecks who don't do anything except sit around making meth and bitching about how they lost the War of Northern Aggression. There are so many awful things about this toilet of a state that I could never assemble them into a cohesive complaint letter. That is, until I was driving down I-40 and passed this landmark:





Now, it's true that literally every state-owned piece of property in Tennessee is named after one Confederate general or another, but here is a prominently-featured state park named after the asshole who was the first Grand Wizard of the KKK!



The 476th most racist historical figure in Tennessee history


Finally, something that summarizes everything wrong with Tennessee! I sent the following letter to the governor.

The Letter

Dear Gov. Bredesen,

I am writing to express my admiration for Tennessee's continued dedication to its core values, regardless of fickle sentiments expressed in the media and public opinion polls.

I am speaking in particular of the Nathan Bedford Forrest State Park. As a Texas resident, I wasn't aware of the park until today, and I was delighted to see that the Tennessee tradition of overt, state-sponsored racism and violence endures in a time when even states as deeply invested in White Supremacy as South Carolina are removing the symbols of their lily-white heritage.

As someone who was refused service at a Tennessee ice cream parlor due to my skin color in 2002, I can safely say that the state's position on race relations has successfully permeated to the general public. Congratulations, and keep up the good work!

The Response

It seems that Governor Bredesen is too busy writing a speech for the grand opening of the James Earl Ray State History Museum to respond to my letters.



"Yeah, I'm a huge Nashville Predators fan, but for some reason I just can't get into the Memphis Grizzlies."


I don't think I can just let this go, Phil. Expect to hear from me again.