Bicycle Riders

Nature of the Offense

Look at this idiot:



I can't even list all the staggeringly dangerous, flagrantly illegal things he does here, but I'll try. Running red lights, weaving between cars, driving on the sidewalk, driving into oncoming traffic, ignoring a traffic cop, failing to signal, all while wearing headphones and operating a video camera! I put up with moronic organ donors like this every time I get behind the wheel of a car, and I'm sick of it. Since there's clearly no authority these twits answer to, I had to direct my anger to the general masses, in the Craigslist Rants and Raves.

The Letter

Dear granola-munching hippie turds,

I want you all to know that you people make me absolutely furious. You demand "equal rights" on the road, and then refuse to obey "equal laws" or exhibit "equal common courtesy." The worst is when you stage your Critical Mass rides, where you all get together and bring an entire street to an absolute standstill while you joyride slowly enough to exchange high-fives and pass joints. Not that you can't do plenty of damage individually--far from it. Just about every last one of you runs red lights, refuses to signal your turns, and mows down pedestrians like they were score multipliers. From speaking with a few of you, I gather that most of you don't even KNOW the turn signals for bicyclists. Furthermore, you jump up on the sidewalk illegally whenever it suits you and knock little old ladies and strollers into the street without so much as an "on your left."

If it were up to me, I'd have every last one of you off the street and confined to nature trails and reggae concerts where you belong. And don't come at me about the environment, because it ain't enough to make it worth your presence. I'd rather live in a desert world where I can drive without fear of having to scrape one of you out of the grill of my truck than put up with you to save a few carbon points. Maybe you could save energy by using the sun and a magnifying glass to light your pot instead of putting another BIC in a landfill, or by not recharging your iPhone so often. Or just get a job and buy a Prius.

And buy some goddamned deodorant, too.

The Response

Unfortunately, Craigslist rants don't last long in my area, because there are a lot of trolls who flag posts so as not to obscure their flooding the site with clown porn (I'm serious), but one person did get irked enough to write back:

"Dear broken-down over-worked thoroughly-indoctrinated overly-consumptive multi-medication-taking pack-mule-for-the-wealthy,

Sorry it sucks so bad to be you. I do understand some frustration, as some bikers do step over the line, but starting off your post with some ridiculous old-school stereotypical comment having to do with "granola" and "hippies", made me disregard everything else you wrote entirely, and rightly so, because it's sooooooooo obviously sour-grapes from a just-starting-to-realize-they've-been-fucked-over-by-the-system-and-at-that-stage-of-being-angry-and-lashing-out-at-those-who-got-smart-a-long-time-ago whiner. I'm sorry you are so boring and disillusioned sir, but that's what you get for letting the government, mass media, and wealthy merchants, decide what's best for you.

Oh by the way, the people who don't use deodorant, don't use it because they don't stink like you pasty office-dwelling processed food eating zombies do, so keep slathering on that aluminum chlorohydrate that some advertising guy convinced you that you needed because they also convinced you that you smell bad naturally. At a couple of sticks a month for an average of 60 years or so, that's another $4000.00 in their pocket, with nothing to show for it in yours. And don't even think about adding up what you'll spend in cologne over your lifetime because yet another advertising guy convinced you that you stink too bad to get laid!

Write all the rants you want dude, i'd be pissed too, if I were like you!"

Wow-dude-sorry-you're-so-jaded-by-the-capitalist-system!