After my last correspondence with Dell, I finally received a new laptop, which seemed to be working fine. That is, until it failed to connect to the internet. Considering I had about seven other devices running off my wireless router, I was pretty sure the computer was at fault. Swallowing hard, I called Dell technical support, and had the following exchange:
First guy: says he's a hardware guy and I have a software problem. Transfers me to software people
Second lady: says I never purchased a "software license," whatever that is. Tells me it will cost me $215 dollars to buy one, without which she cannot even look at my problem.
Me: hangs up.
Really? $215 on a $500 computer? And then 2 hours later, I discover that all I had to do was hit "reset" on my firewall, and all was well.
Screw these people. I sent the following letter, not to get anything out of them, but just to release all the hate they had inspired in me.
The Letter
Dear Dell,
Allow me to take you on a journey of the imagination. Imagine you go to your nearest Ford dealership and buy a brand new Explorer. Just so we're dealing with round numbers, let's say you pay $30,000 for it.
Now suppose a month later, you go to start up your new Explorer and the engine won't turn over. No problem, you think, it's still under warranty, and you call Ford to arrange a repair.
Ford's 800 number routes you to a mechanic in Belgium, which is strange, you think, since the factory that makes Explorers is just down the road from you, but whatever. You spend 10 minutes telling this Belgian mechanic what's wrong with your vehicle, at which point he tells you that it sounds like there's a problem with your engine, and he only works on leather interiors. No problem, though, he'll just forward your call to the engine department!
15 minutes later, another Belgian mechanic picks up the phone, and you regurgitate your whole story again. According to this mechanic, you have most likely done something to fatally injure your transmission. Unfortunately for you, the body of your Explorer is under warranty, but you didn't purchase a special transmission contract (which wasn't offered). At this point, your only option is to purchase this contract, at a price of $13,000, and then the Belgian mechanic still won't fix your vehicle, but she will tell you how to do it yourself. Maybe.
Now let's suppose you aren't the shit-chucking idiot this mechanic thinks you are, and you hang up the phone. You don't know much about cars, but for $13K, you'll see if you can't fix the problem yourself. A little while later you find a loose fuse, plug it back in, and your car starts up just fine. Ford was going to charge you nearly 50 percent of your vehicle's purchase price to help you replace your own fuse.
 |  |
Left: The Problem.
Right: What Dell thinks the problem is.
Does this sound like competence to you? Or conscientious business practice? Or basic human decency? If not, you should seriously reconsider your sales model, because the above story is not fantasyland, it's directly analogous to your company's policy. Two nights ago, your representative tried to charge me $215 to fix my "corrupted software," when really it was just my firewall acting up. This coming barely a month after it took upwards of 60 days to convince you to honor my warranty on a defective laptop.
Dell, there was a time when your company was like the computer equivalent of a Taylor Swift song. Sure, you might not have had the most impressive set of "features," and your hardware wasn't decked out in the same name-brand logos that douchebags put on bumper stickers, but you were reliable, and didn't complain about going to Olive Garden on prom night.
Now? You're more like a common highway hooker. Yeah, maybe you look OK in the dark, and you're certainly cheaper than a girlfriend, but the buyer is certain to regret the transaction within a month. The only difference is I can probably get her pimp on the phone in less than 15 minutes, with no robots required.
Introducing Dell's new "Hooker Series." Now with 2 GHz of RAM and at least 3 STDs!
So thanks for nothing, Dell. Next time I have a problem with one of your products, I won't bother to call. I'll save myself some time and smack myself in the face with a brick. It'll have the same result.
The Response
"Hi Gene
Thank you for contacting Dell Online Customer Care.
I see that you are not satisfied with the level of service you have received from the Dell support. I sincerely apologize for any inconvenience caused to you. I am concerned to read in your e-mail that the company provided you with anything less than the most courteous and professional service. This is not the way we train our people to conduct business services. It is something that we are constantly focusing at, as a daily business practice for improvement. By bringing this to our attention, you have provided us with crucial data in our ever-vigilant efforts to raise the standards of individuals, upon whom we rely to give excellent service to our customers. Your feedback will continue to be seriously considered in our ongoing endeavors to improve services.
Please be advised that we are unable to pull any information with the order number 123456789 provided by you therefore I would request you to check the number and reply to this email.
Also, please provide the complete name as it appears on the account with us.
Sincerely,
Vikram **** *****
Rep ID *******
Dell Online Customer Care"
See, this is both why I have to write these letters, and why they almost never do any good. These people don't get it. I wasn't complaining about the professionalism of their staff, I was complaining about the policies of the company itself! I don't want to get too far off the comedic path here, but these people flat-out suck. I wouldn't buy so much as a single wafer of silicon from them.
