Atlanta Airport

Nature Of The Offense

Anyone who can still afford to fly now that the United States' credit card bill looks worse than a Dallas soccer mom's knows what a miserable dump the ATL airport is. Of course, the obviousness of a business's crappiness has never stopped me from blasting them on this site, so here we go!

The Letter

Dear Atlanta,

Sherman needs to burn your shit down all over again. I've had to deal with your airport a lot recently, but my last trip through that dump finally set me over the edge. I am now convinced beyond any shadow of a doubt that your airport is the worst on this planet (or maybe any planet for that matter). It is my hope that the following account of my last trip there will convince you of the same.

First of all, why is it that when I make a connection through Atlanta I ALWAYS have to cross the entire airport to make my flight, even when I'm staying on the same airline? Adding to the problem is the idiotic layout of the terminals. Have you looked at a terminal map of that place? It looks like some kid with Down's Syndrome drew a Christmas tree.



Yep. Like that.


Also, having those trains to take me from terminal to terminal really doesn't save me any time when accessing them means climbing approximately eighteen stories on an escalator that moves at the pace of a Young Life girl on prom night.

What really shocked me about this last trip in particular was how you prioritized your customer service. As I was hiking towards Savannah to make my connection, I passed a group of 6-8 senior citizens. One of your golf carts passed them, too. Well, it didn't so much pass them as much as it did run them over while going full speed and furiously slamming its horn. Who were the passengers, you might ask? Foreign dignitaries? A heart attack victim? Nope, just two mid-thirties rednecks who were simply too obese to walk to wherever they were going. The driver plowed through old people and children for these lardasses like the last-ever bucket of KFC was about to come off the line. Nice touch there, really.





All of this effort, just to reach my gate. Which, by the way, wasn't so much an airport gate as it was a cramped, dusty hallway filled with more sad, desperate people than a refugee camp. Even Dallas, which goes by the name of "Big D" after something someone did on the toilet, handles airport gates better than this. They have comfortable seats, TVs, and plenty of nearby food. What do you have? Windowless walls, plastic benches, and staff who are constantly getting on the intercom to "ax" us to move somewhere. I've been to Greyhound stations more hospitable.

Do I think you're likely to fix any of this? Probably not, no. I just wanted you to know why I'm connecting through Detroit the next time I fly from Texas to North Carolina.

The Response

None whatsoever. I sent that letter to several departments at ATL, and as far as I can tell, it wasn't even read. I'm not entirely convinced they have the capability. Let's do a verdict, for my own personal gratification.

The Verdict


Severity of the Offense: 8/10

I made my flight, so there's that. Every single other part of the experience was anger-inducing, though, so I'm not getting carried away on the praise.

Corporate Care Level: 0/10

At no point during any trip I've ever made to ATL or during the above "correspondence" with them have I ever gotten the impression that their management is anything but happy to antagonize travelers. I seriously considered giving them a negative score here.

Adequacy of Response: 0/10

Again, the only way this whole thing could be worse would be if they managed to have a pilot draw a giant middle finger in the air with a jet stream.

Overall: 0/10

FFW quickie: People Magazine II

Nature of the Offense

Evidently, People magazine didn't get the message last time the Fast Food Warrior emailed them. They're still badgering him to subscribe, and he's none too happy about it. The following letter is easily the most insane thing ever posted on this site. Seriously, it's so nuts I'm going to just throw it up here and walk away, as no further snark from me is going to make a bit of difference.

The Letter

Subject: Helen Keller / Albert Einstein canoodleing in 1935

To the Editor:

Leave me the fuck alone. Your subscription services people can't seem to get the message or do their fucking jobs. Editor is top dog at a magazine right? Even if the magazine is a waste of forests. Well I'm taking it out on you. They said I was unsubscribed from all communication months ago, offers and any other bullshit. I gave them their ten day grace period. Now it's more like sixty plus days later. But this stuff keeps coming, like me when I'm with your mother. Do you get the message? Go slap whoever keeps sending me emails until they cry. Then slap them some more. Make sure they get the message.

PS: Your previous email is unsolicited soliciting and is being reported to all anti-spam services.

PPS: Photo proof of the subject line. Taken by my great great great uncle. Einstein was quite the ladies man and it is little known that he preferred to wear his Princeton colors when courting.

The NFL

Nature of the Offense

If you aren't into sports, you might not have noticed that the players and owners in the NFL can't find a way to amicably share 9 billion dollars a year (4 times the GDP of Greenland, for those of you scoring at home), and are threatening to cancel the upcoming season. One particularly troubling consequence of such a work stoppage is that it would wreak havoc on America's chicken wing industry, including the big buffalo wing sports bars like Buffalo Wild Wings and Hooters.

Now, as you may recall, I'm not a huge fan of wing joints. However, I love chicken and football, and anything that threatens to take away both of those in one fell swoop has got problems with me. I sent the following letter to Buffalo Wild Wings and Hooters as a rallying cry. Since my gripe wasn't really with them, I won't use my standard letter-response format (hint: I didn't get any response. Surprise!), but rather just throw it out there for fun. Enjoy!

The Letter

To the giants of the buffalo wing industry:

It is my understanding that the NFL lockout, which threatens to cancel part or all of the 2011-2012 football season, is a cause of great concern for you. No NFL games means no Sunday business. I share your worries; people should be in bars shoveling chicken wings in their faces on the Sabbath, especially the children. If not, they're all the more susceptible to the perverts in church!



And where would the perverts in the NFL go?!


Conventional thinking says we should petition the NFL to avoid this crisis. BWW, you have already started the ball rolling on this front, with your "save our season" campaign on Facebook. However, there is a serious flaw with your strategy here. Namely, you are relying on the sympathy of a company that routinely refuses to cover the medical expenses of its employees when, in the natural course of doing their jobs, their brains are smashed into the consistency of banana pudding. Your odds of success are only slightly greater than those of a black woman running for governor of Tennessee.



No corresponding logo exists for the NFL. Seriously, look for it.


I am writing you to propose a radical alternative, one that will bolster your bottom line while simultaneously engendering the goodwill of your consumers. It is my belief that you don't need the NFL. Why?

Get ready for this...

You could start your own football league.

And it could be bigger, badder, and more profitable than the NFL.

Crazy? In the traditional sense, yes. But then, think about your business model and its dependence on football. You don't offer the "standard" game-day experience. And that's a good thing. You don't need to pay for stadiums, parking lots, business offices, or JumboTrons because you don't WANT people going to the games! You want them parked on a bar stool guzzling beer and eating buffalo wings that will give them the most painful hangover shits of their lives. Your operating costs are virtually zero; just have a game going on somewhere--schools, parks, wherever--and get a live feed to the TVs in your restaurants!

Once you have the basic framework in place, the logical extensions become obvious. This system gives you the opportunity to integrate the fans into the experience in ways never before possible. For starters, you could have teams in as many cities as you want, thereby generating local interest. And the teams could all have catchy buffalo-wing/boobie related names, like the Dallas Ranch, the Green Bay Blue Cheeseheads, the Miami Jerks, Oregon Owls, and the Buffalo...I'm not sure about that one, but you get the idea.



Bills?


The players don't have to be expensive, either. Take the cast-offs! I've never associated either of your establishments with particularly outstanding personal conduct; hell, John Daly is the biggest-name spokesman either of you have ever had. I don't think your core constituents will complain about rosters full of steroid abusers, recent parolees, and coach-killing clubhouse cancers. In fact, they fit in perfectly with the system I'm proposing. You see, we're going to relax the rules a little bit. By striking the penalties for late hits, hard hits, head hits, etcetera, every game will have the speed and excitement of a 40-car NASCAR wreck from kickoff to the final whistle. Get coaches the same way. What's Bill Romanowski doing these days? Lawrence Taylor, too. Hell, I won't be satisfied until O.J. is coaching via a Skype connection on the sidelines.

Now, I know what you're thinking. "This is starting to sound a lot like the XFL, and they didn't gross dollar one." This would be true, except that you are going to go places they never did. See, while the XFL promised football fans excitement and access to the game that was previously unheard of, what they actually delivered was mostly phony and contrived. Where you will succeed will be in the way you literally put fans IN the game. BWW has, without knowing it, already seen the future with its ridiculous commercials. Fans deciding to rig the game so that it goes to overtime is a good start, but why make them wait until the last play to get involved?

You probably already have the equipment you need to put this baby together in your Trivia Night box. Imagine: between every play in the Wings Football League, your TVs pop up a Madden-style playbook. Then, using a clicker on each table, your customers actually vote on which play each team runs next! The possibilities are endless. Hate your quarterback? Don't bitch, just run a QB draw every down until you've gotten him plowed into a wet sack of bone dust by the roid-raging linebackers on the other side! Want to know what kind of cardiovascular shape Ted Washington is in? Line him up at wide receiver! If you don't think this would need a new adjective stronger than "awesome," you probably shouldn't be running a wing joint.



Nothing like this has ever been attempted in sports.


I'm not done, though. We can do better. The final step is to enter any customer who can drink ten or more beers in a single sitting into a national drawing. Then, you select 100 candidates each week, make them sign a waiver, and let them PLAY the Monday-night game. It can't lose. Let O.J. and Romanowski fire them up, put beer in the Gatorade coolers, and let them smash the shit out of each other on national TV. You'd put the reality TV industry out of business because you just invented a level of "keepin' it real" nobody thought possible. And it would beat the hell out of Raiders-Redskins or whatever the NFL ran out there even if they did come back.



"If this fat drunk can play football, so can you!"


If you're ready to turn the world of football upside down, let me know, because I'm down to do this thing.

Target/Kitty City

Nature of the Offense

Today's entry documents a spectacular double-whammy of a piss-poor shopping experience combined with a substandard, badly-advertised product. The offenders are Target supermarkets, one of the real giants, and Kitty City, a manufacturer of (as we'll soon see) crummy cat toys and accessories. The prologue is included in the letter, so let's get to it!

The Letter

Dear Target and Kitty City, USA:

I am writing the both of you because I consider the consumer experience I have just completed a joint failure on your parts. First, some backstory: I am adopting a new kitten. To put a face on the matter, I have included a picture of the kitten in question for you.





This kitten has had a rough life so far. She has lost her mother, presumably in a horrific accident, and was discovered alone, filthy, and malnourished. Thanks to the devoted efforts of a rescue agency and a foster family, she is now healthy and happy, and about to join her "forever home." To make the transition a comfortable one, my wife and I headed to Target to pick up some kitten supplies.

Here is where the trouble starts. While Target stores seem to have plenty of lovely accessories for dogs, they seem to hold cats in the same regard as they do gay people. All the kitten beds were shoved into one shelf all the way at the bottom of the aisle, with boxes all looking like they had just been caught "talking shit" to somebody on Jersey Shore. As evidence, I have included a picture of the box to my Kitty City hideaway:





In case it's not abundantly clear from the picture, that's the top flap of the box, hastily re-sealed with packing tape. And every box on the shelf looked the same way. So now I get to bring my baby kitten home and put her in a bed that, for all I know, has been used and returned by someone whose cats have mange. Thanks a lot, Target. Nothing beats paying the "new" price for used merchandise.

Now, on to the product itself. Kitty City, as I'm sure you are aware, you use the following picture on the box of your Hideaway play center:





Notice how the blue ball toy hangs more than halfway down the cube. However, when I unpack my Hideaway, here's what I find:





Are you aware that the oscillation period of a pendulum is directly proportional to its length? At three inches long, when my kitten paws at this "toy"--assuming she can even reach it, that is--there's every chance it will swing back and smack her in the face before she can even react. While I'm sure your wives all assure you that three inches is perfectly adequate, my eight-week-old kitten doesn't need a speed bag. Please change your product packaging to accurately reflect its contents.



Pictured: not my kitten.


In short, I'm doing my best to give a delicate, adorable baby animal the safe, nurturing environment she deserves. Kitty City, on the other hand, sees fit to sell me misrepresented accessories that are as likely to injure her as entertain her, and Target has no problem with charging me full MSRP for them when they've been (potentially harmfully) tampered with.

Look at that kitten again. Is this really the best she should hope for? If not, you should consider a complete overhaul of the "pet care" divisions of your respective businesses.

The Response

The first thing I got was this load of crap from Kitty City:

"Thank you for contacting SportPet Designs, Inc.

The following information will be required to process your request.

1. Reason for your inquiry:

2. Product Name:

3. Date of Purchase:

4. Location of Purchase:

5. Product Number (located on the instruction sheet in upper right hand corner XX-0000):

6. Letter or ID number (00000) of the part(s) and quantity of each:

7. Full Name:

8. Mailing Address:

9. Phone Number:

10. E-mail address:

This is an auto response.

Information provided to SportPet Designs, Inc. is confidential. It is not shared or sold to any other parties. "

Translation: "Thanks for contacting us! We couldn't be bothered to read your actual correspondence, so if you'll please fill out this form, we'll be better able to fit a form letter to your needs."

The next morning, though, I got another, more personal letter from Sport Pet:

"Hello Paul,

Thank you for your email. I'm sorry that you had such a negative experience when purchasing this item. I can tell you that since the photo was taken for the box of the item, we had a case in which a cat become entangled and injured with the longer string toy. Because we take the safety of people's pets very seriously, we promptly adjusted the design to make sure that it would not happen again. The photo has not been updated yet to reflect the new design.

Thank you,
Kristen ***** ******

Customer Service
Sport Pet Designs"

...Wow. This is the first time in the history of the Angry Customer Letters that I've gotten anything resembling a thoughtful response. While I hate getting a product that was not as advertised, at least I get it.

Of course, right when I thought things might be turning around for The Angry Customer, Target drops the following turd in my inbox:

"Dear Paul,

I'm sorry your recent trip to our Austin, Texas Target store didn't meet your expectations.

We're always looking for ways to improve your shopping experience. Hearing about your purchase for your new kitten is important to us. I've documented your thoughts and comments, which will be shared with our Store Operations team for further review. It's just one way we can keep working to provide you with the experience you've come to expect at Target.

If you ever have concerns during your visit, please visit the Guest Service Desk and ask to speak with the Guest Service Team Leader. They'll make every attempt to resolve the issue during your visit.

We appreciate your feedback because it helps make Target even better.

Sincerely,

Beth
Target Guest Relations"

I love that "Target cares" about my kitten. Everything else, though, is the trite pabulum I've come to expect from America's megamarts. Is there some company that all these retailers subcontract their customer feedback to?



Company, no. Country? Maybe.



The Verdict


Severity of the Offense:
7/10 (Target)
6/10 (Kitty City)

While the miniscule string length on the ball toy didn't much affect the overall quality of the product, false advertising is a cardinal sin in the eyes of The Angry Customer. Target, on the other hand, is lucky to skate by with a seven. First off, they do business with a crummy company. Then, they go over the top by selling repackaged items as new? Would you do that with a big-screen TV? No? Then don't do it with my cat house.

Corporate Care Level:
2/10 (Target)
9/10 (Kitty City)

Target's letter mentions my kitten as a way of saying "See, we really did read your letter before we fired off this mindless response!" Kitty City would have hit the 10 here if they hadn't led off with the auto-reply.

Adequacy of Response:
0/10 (Target)
8/10 (Kitty City)

While it's nice that Target replied at all (seems to be a rarity these days), I thought they would at least offer to take the item back if it wasn't in satisfactory condition. Kitty City, on the other hand, basically gets a pass here. I understand that in today's society everyone thinks they're Erin Brockovitch, and you have to CYA, but a picture change would be appreciated.

Also, everyone loses an additional point because both responses were from female employees after I made a fantastic dick joke.

Overall:
3/10 (Target)
9/10 (Kitty City)

It should be pretty obvious at this point what the take-away is here. The little company cares, the big one doesn't. Shocker.

People Magazine

Nature of the Offense

The Fast Food Warrior kind of made his own bed with this one. He signed up for some magazine subscription for the free throw-ins, thinking he could cancel before the first bill without penalty. Anyone who has ever done this knows how shamefully stupid this is, but I'm getting off track here...we're here to make fun of the big corporations, not the little people they take advantage of! Off to the letter...

The Letter

To: PEOPLE Magazine
Subject: Matthew McConaughey assaults kitchen staff in Austin restaurant!



No less believable than anything else in People.


Dear Editors of People,

Now that I hopefully have your attention from my subject line, STOP SENDING ME EMAILS!

I have tried several times to unsubscribe from your email list and your subscription folks don't seem to be getting the message. If I recall correctly, the only reason I signed up was to get a $10 coupon to Papa John's Pizza, and then I immediately canceled the trial subscription to your magazine. The pizza was good; the emails are annoying.

It shouldn't take three or more attempts to unsubscribe from an email list. The last time it tried, I informed them that any future communications will be reported to my ISP as SPAM. And I intend to do so. I hear there's lots of money to be made in suing companies for email spam SPAM. It's interesting that a search of your website for "Report Spam" comes up with the result "Try again."

My hope is that as editors of a magazine that thrives on exploiting the flawed lives of celebrities, you would understand that this is best taken care of quietly. So, please locate your subscription department, or marketing, or whoever is responsible for these harassing emails, slap them upside the head and make sure they never send me one again. Your best response will be no response. A "We're sorry, problem fixed," email or a large check are also acceptable. Then leave me alone and never contact me again. Do not send me free magazines or offer discounted subscriptions, for they aren't even suitable for toilet paper.

The Response

"Thank you for contacting PEOPLE Customer Service.

We have removed your email information from our promotional listings.

If your information was already on our files, you may have been selected for a recent promotion. Please allow ten business days for this to become effective. After that, you will not receive future promotions.
If you are just providing us with your contact information, you will not be added to the promotional listings.

Sincerely,

Cynthia H"

The Verdict

This is a new section we're trying out. We've seen plenty of corporate negligence and arrogance thus far, with various levels of response to complaints. Here, we will rate various aspects of the consumer-business exchange, assigning ratings in each category from 1-10 with 1 being the lowest. Businesses will want to get as many "10s" as possible, except in the "severity of offense" category, where 10 is the worst.

Severity of the Offense: 5/10
Completely unsolicited, this type of spam would rank closer to a 10, but again, FFW filled out the form. He'd have been better off ordering actual Spam on his Papa John's pizza.



Yum!


Corporate Care Level: 3/10
They obviously didn't read too carefully, or they wouldn't have sent their moronic form letter. To be fair, have you seen People magazine? They clearly don't expect their subscribers to do any reading, either.

Adequacy of Response: 6/10
Ideally, a letter like this would cause them to stop this kind of marketing altogether. That big check would be nice, too. As it stands, the cessation of spamming a single non-customer gets them just north of the equator.

Overall: 3/10
Usually, Angry Customer letters are reserved for companies that I would at least have wanted to do business with in the past. The fact that we have to burn one on People, a second-rate gossip rag (seriously, Cosmo is like, soooo better...) means they've really screwed the pooch.

Netflix

Nature of the Offense

Unlike a lot of the companies on this site, I actually like Netflix. A lot. But I hate getting frivolous price gouges with no accompanying value increase, like the one-dollar monthly hike Netflix just imposed.

Netflix doesn't have a publicly accessible email address, so I just ran down the address of their CEO and fired off the following complaint.

The Letter

Dear Mr. Hastings,

I would like to express my immense disappointment in Netflix's decision to raise membership prices for its consumers. I realize instant streaming has become the new rage, and you have to keep up with server demands, but as of this moment, your service has added no additional value to merit the rate hike. Allow me to spell out the problems with your new pricing model.

The current "new arrivals" to the Watch Instantly menu include Sorority Wars, The Planet's Funniest Animals (Season 9), The Hot Chick, Maid in Manhattan, and Repo! The Genetic Opera. Citizen Kane is nowhere to be found. Neither is Vertigo, The Sound of Music, Gone With the Wind, or Anal Babes 9.



"Netflix: bringing the authentic cinema experience straight to your living room!"


Sure, I can get unlimited instant streaming for cheap, but I'd better be content to watch the latest Rob Schneider masterpiece. It's like being able to take whatever I want out of the DVD bargain bin at Wal-Mart. This is after being a paying customer for 5 years without being able to watch instantly on:

1. a TV
2. a Mac
3. a web browser other than Internet Explorer
4. a wireless router more than 3 months old
5. the toilet.

That last one might not be your fault, but I still can't get Netflix on my cell phone unless it's an iPhone. My point is that after it took so long to finally get any use whatsoever out of your Watch Instantly service, I should be getting a discount to make up for lost time, not a price gouge.

I do understand that as more customers use your streaming service you have to upgrade your servers, but there are other companies in your position who aren't sticking it to their customers in the middle of the worst economic downturn in 80 years. Take Nintendo, for example. I can play unlimited Goldeneye online, and for free. Sure, Rob Schneider might very well pop up there too, but in that case a) I can't see him, b) there's no voice chat, so I can't hear him, and c) I can blow his friggin' brains out. Maybe Nintendo doesn't have to pay content providers like you do, but hey, nobody ever said Netflix isn't allowed to use The Pirate Bay.



"Up yours, Schneider!"


I would strongly urge you to either reconsider your subscription fee increase, or at least give us something worth watching. Otherwise, I'm coming over there and making you sit through The Human Centipede: First Sequence with me.

The Response

As of this posting, the highlights of the New Releases in Netflix's online selection were:





So yeah, looks like that letter did a lot of good!

In all seriousness, though, I noticed just the other day that my rate had actually been "grandfathered in," and I wasn't paying the upcharge, which wasn't part of the original plan. Maybe the letter did some good, for once.

Guest Author Letter: Time Warner #2

Nature of the Offense

Even if you have never been to this site, you probably already know Time Warner Cable sucks. Their broken give-a-shit has driven our frequent contributor, the Fast Food Warrior, completely up the wall, and the following letter conveys pure exasperation as well as anything you'll ever see.

For context, FFW has canceled his services with TWC, only to receive a bill the next month anyway. To be fair, it's true that he's still getting the same quality of service as before he canceled...

The Letter

Congratulations TWC, you have managed to still incite my rage even after I ended our
relationship. Today I received notification of a bill covering the service period beginning November 25, 2010, that would be automatically charged to my credit card. This would normally not be so surprising except for the fact that I terminated my service on November 1. I recognize, as your online chat agent (P*** S*****) repeatedly pointed out, that you bill one month in advance. (editor's note: see the full chat transcript here) However, I am not accustomed to being billed for future service by companies that I am not a customer of. I tried to turn off the recurring payment feature so that my credit card could not be automatically charged, but was unable to do so. Your chat agent attempted to walk me through the steps that I had just followed on my own, but told me that he lacks the power to do anything. Why do you even offer online chat about billing issues if your agents are effectively neutered. This makes about as much sense as buying an B-cup bra for Pamela Anderson.



This is the second time FFW has used a simile that I refuse to find a picture for.


More troubling was the fact that there was no credit on this latest billing statement for services paid for in the post-cancellation period on last month's bill (11/1 to 11/24). This was contrary to a statement made by your online chat agent, who assured me that such a credit should appear on the next bill following cancellation. Your agent also assured me that I could "ignore" the latest bill.

Given your company's stellar record of integrity and quality customer service, I should have no reason to not trust his statements, right? Wrong. TWC does not keep to its own standards of performance, consistently fails its customers and even makes life difficult for those who are no longer customers.

You are hereby on notice that if I see a single cent charged to my credit card in the future from TWC, or fail to see a full credit for unused service within one month, I will not hesitate to open a disputed charge inquiry with American Express. You certainly don't want to mess with them.

Thank you for wasting an hour of my day.


The Response

We'll just skip the start of the form letter here and skip to the relevant bit...

"I have checked your account and would like to inform you that the service call for the disconncetion (sic) of the service is scheduled on 11/18/2010. Please be rest assured, your services will be disconnceted (sic), and once the services are disconnceted (sic) and the equipments are returned, your account will be credited and if there is any credit balance left on the account. You will receive that
credit as refund check at your mailing address.

Also, I have escalated your issue to the relevant department. Our escalation team will contact you at XXXX@XXXX.com in the next 24-48 business hours. We appreciate your patience. For your reference the ticket number is "

...aaand it cuts off there. TWC's idiot representative couldn't even be bothered to fill in the ticket number on the form letter. Also, what does it mean to "disconncet" your cable? FFW called the 800 number to find out, and got an email shortly after, explaining:

"I request you to provide us some time to resolve your issue, as your issue has been escalated to the relevant. Please be rest assured your issue will be resolved as soon as possible."

FFW and I wondered together what "the relevant" was. My conclusion is that his complaint was finally placed in the "relevant" inbox, rather than the "trash immediately" pile that most customer letters go into. Perhaps I should take some insight from this regarding my own letters...




After some more back-and-forth with the TWC staff, FFW finally received the following notice:

"I understand your issue has been fixed and would like to be contacted only if you have been given free cable and internet service for lifetime.... We will be sure to share the poor experience you encountered with our entire team so that everyone re-focuses on the importance of providing quality customer service.... Please be rest assured your issue will be resolved as soon as possible. "

FFW's reaction: "I only hope they didn't confuse a lifetime supply with the Lifetime family of shitty cable channels. "