I am a candy addict. However, unlike most addicts, I won't tolerate any old hash of cleaning products you push on me because you think I'm a junkie and won't know any better. Imagine my horror, then, when I cracked open a bag of my beloved Hot Tamales to find that they were not, in fact, hot. I could have been eating a bag of red Mike & Ikes for all I knew. I had to let their parent company, Just Born, know about it. Unfortunately, their contact page is limited to 1000 characters, so I couldn't let them have it like I really wanted to. This letter should get the point across, though.
1000 characters? Really?
The Letter
Just Born,
I am writing with disappointment to inform you that I have just bought a bag of Cold Tamales. With this kind of quality control you are staring down a slippery slope, and I hope I can talk you down from the ledge.
I wouldn't bother writing you, except that I know you can do better. Ever since they quit putting a gram of blow in every can of Coke, Hot Tamales has been one of America's most consistently hardcore deliveries of a sugar rush, with competitors dropping off like flies. Hell, Warheads now comes in gummy form.
Why does this matter? Because as a nation, we have lost our machismo, our ability to do things that aren't painfully easy. Baseball players take steroids, NASCAR has Toyotas running in it, Budweiser comes with lime in it, and men need prescription drugs to maintain an erection. If I can't shove a handful of Hot Tamales in my mouth and feel like my uvula might start bleeding, I might as well pack it up and move to Canada.
This guy thinks Hot Tamales are too hot.
George Washington would expect more.
The Response
"We appreciate that you took the time to contact us recently regarding our HOT TAMALES® Brand Candies. We are committed to providing our valued consumers with the highest quality confections, and it concerns us to know that we have failed to meet your expectations.
In order to best address your concerns, we would like to follow up with you via the mail through the address you provided in your message. You can look forward to receiving something from us within the next 2-3 weeks. Should you need to speak with us in the meantime, please don't hesitate to call us toll free at 1-888-645-3453.
Regards,
Shirley A. Lang
Consumer Relations Team"
I really feel like I dropped the ball here, because as usual I gave them a bogus address. Maybe whoever lives at 4444 Time Cube Lane will get a free box of Hot Tamales.
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