New Belgium Brewery

Nature of the Offense

So I'm walking to a party with some friends, carrying lots of beers because, well, it was that kind of night. We're at a busy intersection about halfway there when...





As you can see, we didn't tear or otherwise mistreat the packaging of this batch of beer, it was the glue that quit on us. I need to be able to trust my six-packs, so I sent the following letter to New Belgium Brewery.

The Letter

Dear New Belgium,

Let me begin by saying that I enjoy your beers. It is obvious that you put real effort into your product, and you want the customer to be satisfied. However, there appears to be one weak link in the chain connecting your beer from the brewing vats and your customers' livers, and that is the packaging. Some friends and I were recently carrying a six-pack of New Belgium beers to a party when the pack suddenly expelled its contents onto the sidewalk below, sending all the beer inside into a nearby storm drain and peppering us with glass shrapnel. Since I know you are probably too smart to open attachments, I have placed photos of the resulting carnage at the following links:







Upon further inspection, we noticed that the cardboard itself was not damaged, but it was the glue that had simply given out. I should mention that other six-packs of inferior beer such as Dos Equis and Lone Star that we had brought along survived the trip just fine--evidently, you have elected to package your beer with kindergarten-grade glue, and the end result isn't pretty.

The worst part of the whole experience was that as we tried to hold a moment of silence for the recently departed beer, we were verbally assaulted by an angry enviro-nazi riding by on her bike and complaining about the wreckage. I mean, really, imagine yourself in my position: you're standing in the middle of a busy intersection ankle-deep in spilled beer, your legs bleeding from the flying glass, watching your ice-cold brews run down the drain, and here's some hairy Weezer fan chewing your ear off like you just asked her to put on some deodorant. Normally you'd just lob a spare Lone Star at her, but again, you've just lost all your good beer, and your blood isn't going to just magically increase its own alcohol content. So there she is, holding up the shortest green light in town, and now all the cars are honking at you too because you can't get this tree-humper to get out of the way, and her BO is starting to mix with the smell of beer-soaked dirt and the combination makes your eyes water. The end result is you're standing in the street while a line of honking cars watches you cry because you're getting chewed out by some philosophy major who wears boxer shorts and gets stoned to Michael Moore movies. Is there any more impotent feeling in the world?

Again, beers that cost half as much as yours didn't cause this predicament. Yours did. I hope you will take action to rectify this situation and prevent it from occurring in the future.

The Response

Apparently, part of being a small craft brewery is you don't have a form letter prepared to shoot off to irate emailers. Screw 'em. Their beer is mediocre at best, with their tastiest option (Ranger IPA) being thoroughly owned by alternatives such as Long Hammer and Hop Czar.




Matching baller mustaches. Coincidence? What do you think?

Pluckers Chicken

Nature of the Offense

If you've ever been to a college town, you're familiar with these cookie-cutter wing joints that almost universally suck, so there's nothing really new about Pluckers. However, the other day a friend emails me saying "hey, you know Pluckers has weekly Beer Pong tournaments? Wanna play?"

Now, I'm actually a big fan of beer pong, and considered giving it a shot. That is, until I went to their website and saw this:







As any self-respecting Beer Pong player already knows, playing without beer is beyond unacceptable. I had to let Pluckers know this in no uncertain terms.

The Letter

Dear Pluckers,

I am writing in response to your idiotic decision to advertise weekly "Beer Pong" tournaments, which you play with cups of water. This false advertising is a grievous offense to beer, beer pong, and chicken joints in general. Have any of you ever actually played beer pong, or is it just one of those things you heard those wacky college kids do?

In the words of the late, great Colonel Sanders, "I'm too drunk to taste this chicken." Granted, The Colonel had more knowledge of beer and chicken in his right nut than you guys do, and he left that one on some battlefield in Germany, but whatever.



If Ronald McDonald could drink like The Colonel, maybe we wouldn't have had so much trouble with McDonald's.


My point is that beer pong is meant to be played drunk, and that anyone who doesn't agree might as well be playing Candyland. Don't believe me? Ask Ron Hamilton of Smashing Time, winners of the ABPAA World Series of Beer Pong. Upon winning the tournament, Hamilton claimed that "The key today was me getting really drunk." He chugged a bottle of Jack Daniels before the final. Think that guy would be caught dead in your Water Pong tournament?

The short answer is no. The long answer is FUCK no. Why? Because he knows that, like most beer pong purists, he'd probably get knocked out in the second round by a couple of Young Lifers who would then use their gift certificate prize to feed some of your chicken to homeless people or something. I can't stand homeless people; they smell bad and leave beer cans all over my neighborhood.

I see right through this whole charade. It's just one more of your tiresome stunts to get stupid college students into your awful restaurant, just like cramming your flyers into my fence and car windshield. You know how many KFC flyers I've found in my windshield? Exactly eleven fewer than the number of secret herbs and spices in Original Recipe. Maybe if you spent less time printing flyers and more time making your chicken suck less, I would visit your restaurant. Until then, try Coors Light. Even the Young Lifers won't be able to distinguish it from water, and you won't be completely lying to us.

The Response

Nothing yet. Maybe I shouldn't expect much from a company whose slogan is "If you don't like our wings, we'll give you the bird."